“Well, the missing ring was either missed or ignored. Got the goodnight kiss though - would have had to turn away and that action would mirror what my NPD stepfather used to do when he wanted to shame someone - so I wasn't going there. Bypassed the "I love you" stuff though.”
What are you trying to accomplish? If you are hoping the missing ring would wake your wife up to your marital problems that’s unlikely to work. From what you have posted she has disengaged from you. She reacts to you as if she doesn’t care about you. I suspect she’s either getting her ducks in a row to divorce or she is staying married because while she doesn’t love you, she loves marriage’s benefits.
She might not care if you turned away when she kissed you. Might be a relief to her and provide a way for her to stop a ritual she regards as a charade.
When I started turning my head when my refuser gave me the usual good bye kiss in the morning, he kissed me on the cheek. For years. It was a totally meaningless gesture that he stopped only after we agreed to divorce.
I'm still smitten by her, or dependent, or both. I see her and my resolve crashes to dust. Started working that out in my journal today, trying to "de-program" myself. Should be putting the emphasis on me. Been told so long I'm worthless that I still believe it. TY for the reply.
Removing my ring and sleeping apart constituted two baby steps to help deprogram myself of my identity as a married man. It wasn't so much for her, as it was about telling the truth to myself. After a long time, that truth took root. Just as the ring is a symbol of the marriage, if it has meaning, the lack can be a symbol of separation. It acquires its meaning.
“It's more like I don't want to hear all the bullshit if I go and do what I want to do.”
You are making a choice. You could do your own thing and enjoy it and then return home and ignore your wife, walk away, sleep in a different room, etc. or you can continue being miserable watching tv.
If the bs you refer to is screaming and name calling, you are choosing to remain with a verbal abuser. Therapy could help you get the confidence to leave.
There hasn't been any yelling and screaming for a while now - with the work I'm doing I've been able to better control my responses to things that bother me - and for W the same. Not even when we had our discussion last weekend, would the neighbors have heard anything if the windows were open.
Anyway I have other things to do most times & last night I was feeling sleepy so went to do something else.
End of day though I think a big part of the decay on our relationship is that we have no friends or outside interests anymore (as you've pointed out in the past). All of my reading agrees with your assessment as well. We're too damn close all the time. That was great at the beginning, but now we really need to NOT be in each other's faces 24-7 and NOT always doing the same thing. It just isn't healthy.
New development: W has been extremely friendly to come home to over the last 6-8 months. Used to be I would cringe walking in the door: what will it be THIS time? Now, I actually look forward to coming home again and its been decades since I had that feeling. It feels good.
Therapy - I haven't the resources; healthcare is like a second mortgage and a lot of debts to pay down if I ever want to think about retirement. Honestly I could leave right now, if I wanted to - but I don't really want to, to be truthful. I just want to stop the insanity (to which I admit I was/am contributing 50% of to be fair).