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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 11, 2017 23:32:52 GMT -5
M2G - these are excellent boundaries to set. The underlying concept seems to be getting honest, not playing along with pretense. I agree with baby steps. It takes a lot of retraining. I wish you strength. I agree with others that you need to prepare for things to get worse. Our controlling refusers despise our defiance where we start growing a backbone. Use it as fuel for your self-esteem. And Caris is right on the money about the only really surprising thing being how much we STILL care about their well-being. It’s some sort of “trick” of abuse, I think. One of those Stockholm Syndrome effects. If you don’t presently have a counselor or therapist, please consider engaging one. I couldn’t have gotten out without a good therapist. Good luck!
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Post by workingonit on Nov 11, 2017 23:58:15 GMT -5
M2G Hearing about the art literally breaks my heart. I am sending you heartfelt wishes for love and being celebrated by those that love you.
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Post by M2G on Nov 12, 2017 7:14:08 GMT -5
Thanks again everyone for all the support. While reading a couple of books pertaining to my situation, especially this one: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship It was pointed out many times that the person purported to be the abuser sometimes turns out to be the victim, I didn't really believe it was the case in my situation as I'm not exactly passive in all of this. Your responses to things I thought were trivial, or not so bad, kinda knocked me out of my chair. Regarding the artwork; not a lot of market value. I'm a comic book kind of illustrator and to have any significant value, works like that need to be published by a "known" and/or be original art panels attached to something collectible. The value to me though is altogether different and the disdain exhibited by my W really hurt. The music - something different entirely. The songs could conceivably be sold. There's tons of stuff to digitize yet and as of now, only 21 are finished. My old list had about 150 titles. Genre doesn't matter either IE: If you take an 80's hair band tune, and replace the the heavy metal guitar with pedal steel it's now a country song (how I hate corporate music but the money is still green). Anyway - last night during my obligatory TV time, my head was on overdrive thinking about all the "rules" I live under. I was making notes on a piece of paper the whole time (many runs to bathroom to get stuff put down so I wouldn't forget it), crafting an "intervention" as recommended on the above linked book. This, inspired not only by the book but by all of you guys. Without you, my eyes would not be open so wide as to exactly how fucking crazy my living condition really is. I dozed a bit also and got a nasty poke and a "WAKE UP!!" during enforced TV time. I replied: "YOU don't get to do that! If you won't touch me any other way then jabbing at me is is out of bounds" to which she DARVO'd "Then don't fall asleep on the couch!" Really, as I woke up to what's really happening, my W demands I be with her (or doing something that benefits her) during every waking hour else I'm "ignoring her," even though its OK for her to "ignore me." If this is how my abuser reacts to that (perfectly reasonable) boundary, then I can pretty well predict the outcome of the major round. But, for the sake of my own self, I need to do this: if for nothing else but therapy to start getting my head clear. If the whole thing turns into a DARVO-fest then my plan to leave will be massively accelerated. Divorce attorney consult is going to happen either way. Its not just about sex anymore, especially since I quit drinking to excess. Hopefully I can get it done this morning. Thanks again for all the support - as of right now you guys are the only friends I have.
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Post by M2G on Nov 12, 2017 9:15:06 GMT -5
Addendum: Fuck me. This is going to take a Loooong time to put together - if I follow the book and do this correctly.
Today: I am going to strongly suggest she read the fucking book.
Also - some of the stuff (if not most of the stuff) I started with is passive-aggressive: the ring for on example. That's not going to help anything at all except an even further degradation of the relationship. This needs to be dead-on direct.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 12, 2017 10:12:24 GMT -5
“I dozed a bit also and got a nasty poke and a "WAKE UP!!" during enforced TV time. I replied: "YOU don't get to do that! If you won't touch me any other way then jabbing at me is is out of bounds" to which she DARVO'd "Then don't fall asleep on the couch!" Really, as I woke up to what's really happening, my W demands I be with her (or doing something that benefits her) during every waking hour else I'm "ignoring her," even though its OK for her to "ignore me."’
Your problem is that you are in an abusive relationship. As is typical, your abuser has isolated you from friends and family. She controls your every move. She had said things that make you feel like a nothing. It’s similar to how Caris’ husband treated her.
Fortunately, you are becoming aware of this. I believe you also have a job so are not economically trapped. It’s good you are standing up for yourself. You can learn to do even more. For instance, you could choose to go out by yourself — to a sports game, for a walk in the park, to exercise at the gym, to catch up with a friend or relative. You don’t need her permission or to explain to her. If she complains, you can walk away. If she locks you out, call police. It’s your house too. You can go to an individual therapist to rebuild your self esteem.
Eventually you can go to a lawyer and divorce. You can not change your wife. Sexless is only a small part of your problem. You can learn to let go of a catastrophically toxic relationship.
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Post by M2G on Nov 12, 2017 10:44:11 GMT -5
..For instance, you could choose to go out by yourself — to a sports game, for a walk in the park, to exercise at the gym, to catch up with a friend or relative. You don’t need her permission or to explain to her. If she complains, you can walk away. If she locks you out, call police. It’s your house too. You can go to an individual therapist to rebuild your self esteem. That, as well as divorce, are already part of the talk I am working on. Just took a break to feed the cats and right back on it TYVM
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 12, 2017 12:20:45 GMT -5
You're a grown adult and you can nap on your couch if you like! (Tell her an online friend gave you permission) Sorry - just being cheeky because humor is still a main defense mechanism for me. She's a flaming bitch, M2G, and should let you snooze on the couch any time you like. I hope your rebellion succeeds and grows. You deserve to do a lot of what you want - particularly when it is not harming anyone. I empathize greatly with the phrase "obligatory TV time" - I suffered through a lot of that. Then I just decided not to. I went to a different room and did my own thing. When pressed, I would just say I wanted to not sit so still and didn't care about that particular program. My Ex didn't get it. But I am an adult and chose not to waste more evenings watching stupid crap just because that is what he wanted to do with his time. My time, eventually, became MY time. It is hard to adjust to "owning our choices" but it is the essence of living a life. I love the new avatar, btw.
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Post by Caris on Nov 12, 2017 13:42:00 GMT -5
M2G - these are excellent boundaries to set. The underlying concept seems to be getting honest, not playing along with pretense. I agree with baby steps. It takes a lot of retraining. I wish you strength. I agree with others that you need to prepare for things to get worse. Our controlling refusers despise our defiance where we start growing a backbone. Use it as fuel for your self-esteem. And Caris is right on the money about the only really surprising thing being how much we STILL care about their well-being. It’s some sort of “trick” of abuse, I think. One of those Stockholm Syndrome effects. If you don’t presently have a counselor or therapist, please consider engaging one. I couldn’t have gotten out without a good therapist. Good luck! Grant, I do wonder if many of the refused who tolerate their refuser’s neglect, and also still consider their wellbeing are (as Jordan Peterson describes personality types), the agreeable personality type. The “agreeable” don’t like conflict, and are conscientious, and of course, agreeable. They tend to be taken advantage of by the unscrupulous, and are prime bait for narcissists, and psychos. Not that ALL refusers are narcissists and psychos, but they certainly lack consideration for their partner’s wellbeing. I am an agreeable type, but I’ve had to learn to set boundaries to protect myself, maybe in the extreme given my history.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 12, 2017 14:14:21 GMT -5
..For instance, you could choose to go out by yourself — to a sports game, for a walk in the park, to exercise at the gym, to catch up with a friend or relative. You don’t need her permission or to explain to her. If she complains, you can walk away. If she locks you out, call police. It’s your house too. You can go to an individual therapist to rebuild your self esteem. That, as well as divorce, are already part of the talk I am working on. Just took a break to feed the cats and right back on it TYVM See if this article hits home for you? shrink4men.com/2015/09/08/is-your-wife-or-girlfriend-a-crazy-bitch/
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Post by M2G on Nov 13, 2017 5:42:18 GMT -5
Thanks guys - latest update: Resistance is futile. If I stay here I will always be the child, and I don't want to have sex with my mommy. Seeking lawyer. The FWB thing is just too complicated. (Thanks for the link greatcoastal)
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 7:48:27 GMT -5
Sounds like a good move, Miles. Why stay with an sbusive person? I strongly suggest getting individual therapy to not only give you emotional support as you leave but also help you understand how you got into and stayed so long in a marriage so abusive. Without developing such insight, you may get into another abusive relationship.
Were your parents abusive or neglectful or absent?
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Post by M2G on Nov 13, 2017 23:28:54 GMT -5
Lol to be mild. All 4 parents actually - what a caustic soup of disorderly people. Not absent, but that would have been easier.
Still pursuing consult. In no rush to try a new relationship. Focused more at the moment to make sure my work doesn't suffer. I like my job and today I was unfocused.
Cheers!
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Post by M2G on Nov 24, 2017 9:40:58 GMT -5
Well I've finally decided to poke the bear, so to speak. We've been getting along in an amazing way but (my) elephant in the room has not been addressed. This is my fault. The reason? A song lyric I wrote a long time ago sums it up - it goes like:
I want to ask you a question, been much on my mind I want to ask you a question but I'm afraid to hear the reply
..But no use avoiding it, and I believe I may have found the reason but will hold that back until this all plays out.
Four sentences designed to not lay blame, chief among those is this one: "Would you consider working together to repair our intimate relationship?"
All I hope to achieve, is a start.
Then, I would be at that moment the happiest person in the world.
PS: She's no longer that person above. That was a long time ago. She has grown and changed beyond me, when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
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Post by M2G on Nov 26, 2017 11:05:42 GMT -5
That went. How it went, I've not enough time today. I got a start, in short - but no guarantees (are there ever any)? Be careful what you wish for I have a lot of thinking and a lot of work to do. Best wishes and thanks again everyone for the input.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 26, 2017 15:56:57 GMT -5
Best of luck, M2G. I hope whatever you are planning on does not happen any faster than you are expecting, but if she does move quickly, the important side effect is that your prison sentence is over sooner.
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