Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 12:52:11 GMT -5
A NYTimes article linking honesty to happiness. Imagine if you were to apply this to your marriage and way of presenting your marriage to your partner and others.
“Even though honesty felt like a struggle, I started to like how it felt. Research from the University of Notre Dame has shown that when people consciously stopped telling lies, including white lies, for 10 weeks, they had fewer physical ailments (like headaches) and fewer mental health complaints (like symptoms of depression) than a control group that did not focus on honesty.
When people were more honest, they also tended to feel better about their relationships and social interactions, the researchers found. This rang true for me, mostly because I felt better about myself. I like the saying, “Everybody wants the truth, but nobody wants to be honest.” I didn’t always want to be honest. But I wanted the truth, and this focus on honesty helped me feel that I was doing my part.
Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 15:13:17 GMT -5
Being honest about one’s life also means being honest about one’s marriage and not putting on a fake show so that others think you have romance and passion. No being all warm and cuddly with one’s refuser in public when you don’t even share a bed.
Never bothered with a show in public or family - it's worse: putting on a show to fool ourselves. How's that for asinine?
"Putting on a show to fool ourselves". Wow - this just hit me like a brick. I have to wonder if that's what my H and I are doing too.
We don't put on a show for others. There's no PDA or even touching in front of others, just like there really isn't when we're alone. But we continue to keep up the fascade of being "in love" even when it's just us. We say we miss each other when he is traveling. We say I love you every night and call each other baby... sometimes I feel like it's just all bullshit because we don't even want to admit to ourselves we're not happy much less to the other. I wonder if he feels this way too or if we truly are so disconnected that he wouldn't even understand what I was talking about??
We just spent the better part of the day just talking, with no other expectations. I had a fucking great day with my wife today. Pretty deep stuff, especially going over a lot of stuff re: how our parents raised us to fail at relationships, and how we're progressing on the deprogramming.
I estimate I've had about 200 hours of "therapy" over the last 4 to 5 weeks; lots of driving for my job so lots of time on audio books. We exchanged a lot of ideas.
Mostly though I enjoy talking with my W again. I call that a great move forward.
Refrained from useless lashing out since Oct 1, 2017
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Nov 19, 2017 5:44:00 GMT -5
I work with a guy that tells people exactly what he thinks all the time. I don’t think he lies about anything. Personally I love the man, he says what I am thinking. And he does seem to be a healthy as a horse. But he’s miserable as all holy hell! Absolutely miserable! Healthy... and miserable.
And how do we know the people in the study were being truthful about telling the truth? They may be the ultimate liars! They are so happy and feel great because they managed to pull one over on everyone!
It's possible to win every battle but still lose the war.