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Post by baza on Nov 13, 2017 16:18:10 GMT -5
If you are choosing to stay for the moment Brother theexplorer , here's some suggestions for you. Sex, is - obviously - out of the picture. So you need to cease and desist from any form of trying to beg, cajole, reason, force or manipulate your spouse sexually. And you need to do this in good humour, not resentfully. You need to stop complaining about your spouses behaviour. You need to cease chasing your spouses' "why". You need to completely and willingly let it go. Sex is NOT going to be a part of this relationship. Get the pressure off your spouse - and yourself - by taking this aspect of the relationship right off the agenda. This relationship is incapable of delivering sex. RECOGNISE the REALITY of what the relationship is NOT capable of delivering And conduct yourself accordingly. Now, without any sexual pressure on the relationship, the relationship can be based on what it IS capable of delivering. What will probably fuck you up in this, is the festering resentment levels. You most likely will NOT be able to "accept it" - "let it go" - "genuinely accept it". You most likely remain resentful, angry, upset and unhappy. Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too.
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2017 19:28:55 GMT -5
I can only speak from my own experience, and I believe results will vary due to personality type, other life experiences, including other traumatic events and/or abuse.
My SM left me living as a recluse. I’d lost not only self confidence and esteem, but cognitive function due to a complete breakdown a few years before the divorce when I was existing on 3-4 hours sleep a night, and was carrying so many burdens, including a challenging degree course that my brain literally stopped working. I had to plan step by step how to get out of bed, and get from the bedroom to the kitchen. That could take 30-mins. It was terrifying because I couldn’t remember how to dress myself. With time, I “came back” with only myself as my therapist. I’ve never been the same since, and before that I was in the top 10% of my class.
I’ve been on my own for 2.5-years, and it’s been a long hard road to get to where I am now, and that is, I went to my first social last week. I still can’t date. I’m not sure I can ever let a man touch me again, even though I want a relationship, there are too many obstacles to overcome, and I’m 63 now, so not the young lovely woman I used to be that attracted men. If this had happened when I was 40, or even 50, before the breakdown, and before I got too old looking, I think results would be different, so it really depends on each individual person.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 13, 2017 20:14:42 GMT -5
theexplorer, baza has pretty much laid out your near term future in his latest response. Staying is doable, I am doing it. But I can attest to his last statement "Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too". There is no way to avoid the festering resentment. You mentioned your strong motivation to stay, family and financial. Please keep in mind that motivation is an internal function. You provide it to yourself. You can modify or dismiss it whenever you choose. Your family dynamics will change with or without your input. Your financial situation is highly influenced by your actions or inactions. If you wish to remove the financial motivation to stay then develop a detailed plan for your finances and work the plan. Your finances will not fix themselves. I have no clue what your age is but a local truism applies to all of us "Time is not your friend". It is always better to get out sooner than later.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 20:21:29 GMT -5
theexplorer , baza has pretty much laid out your near term future in his latest response. Staying is doable, I am doing it. But I can attest to his last statement "Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too". There is no way to avoid the festering resentment. I have to wonder: Is the resentment still as strong and poisonous if you happen to be engaged in a satisfying, long-term affair?
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 13, 2017 20:33:02 GMT -5
theexplorer , baza has pretty much laid out your near term future in his latest response. Staying is doable, I am doing it. But I can attest to his last statement "Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too". There is no way to avoid the festering resentment. I have to wonder: Is the resentment still as strong and poisonous if you happen to be engaged in a satisfying, long-term affair? Good question. Hopefully those with practical experience will answer.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 13, 2017 20:55:27 GMT -5
theexplorer , baza has pretty much laid out your near term future in his latest response. Staying is doable, I am doing it. But I can attest to his last statement "Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too". There is no way to avoid the festering resentment. I have to wonder: Is the resentment still as strong and poisonous if you happen to be engaged in a satisfying, long-term affair? Here's my take on it: A satisfying long term affair can definitely help with the resentment as long as you are realistic and see it for what it is. You are getting your needs met that your spouse can not meet for you, and honestly sex is great when two people both want and desire each other. Set rules from the beginning and stick to them to keep things realistic and focusing on the purpose of the relationship - great sex, passion, kissing, intimacy, fun, and pleasure. If I'm going to eat a steak then I want to go to a fantastic steakhouse for my steak not Olive Garden. My point is if you want steak then go get you a great steak dinner. Your marriage seems like a "everything's great bar the sex" relationship. I'm sure your husband does meet some of your other needs and makes you feel loved in other ways. Resentment can cloud this at times so be careful. There is no perfect relationship and sometimes we have to seek what will make us happy from more than one person.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 13, 2017 21:22:18 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl. "There is no perfect relationship and sometimes we have to seek what will make us happy from more than one person." ^^^That's a conclusion I seem to be coming to as well. Since I started getting my emotional and physical needs met outside the marriage I've been much better IN the marriage. I've been a better wife and a better mom because I'm not so angry and resentful anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 13, 2017 21:35:03 GMT -5
Just speculation on my part, but I would fear that outsourcing would increase my resentment towards what I do not have going on in my own home, my own bed, with my own spouse.
The fear is very large that I could not continue a "sex only relationship" with someone without wanting/needing a lot more emotional/psychological approval and comfort as well. I would most likely feel extremely obligated to give back much of it as well. There's a lot of training, morals ,values, and conditioning going on there, that can't be reversed. ( I look forward to that being a good thing in my future relationships)
Yet, at this very moment there is a part of me that wants....one time....one time.... sex and intimacy so I will have the self confidence, the proof that I am desired by someone. Whomever that will be, I hope we can communicate ahead of time of what a joyous, melt down of an occasion it will be for me.
The dishonesty of it would most likely eat away at me as well. No matter how much I justified my actions.-I'm a terrible lair!- It's been difficult enough justifying the divorce. In a weird way I am thankful of all the other aspects of what is wrong with my marriage on top of the rejection of sex and intimacy.
Without the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) lifting through some pretty selfish re-set sex and words, so much more of what I have/was enduring would not have been revealed to me.
We do each have our own stories. For me not having my sex/intimacy needs met until after the divorce, and maybe even longer (time to get my own shit together) will be the best path for me, and my family.
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Post by baza on Nov 14, 2017 0:07:05 GMT -5
theexplorer , baza has pretty much laid out your near term future in his latest response. Staying is doable, I am doing it. But I can attest to his last statement "Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too". There is no way to avoid the festering resentment. I have to wonder: Is the resentment still as strong and poisonous if you happen to be engaged in a satisfying, long-term affair? Bear in mind that I didn't really outsource in my deal, so the following opinion is NOT based on firsthand knowledge - so I may be talking out my arse. I think you are talking about two separate matters here Sister choosinghappy . #1 - is the creeping insidious resentment an ILIASM shithole creates. #2 - would be the positive and affirming things you get out of an affair. I don't think the angst and resentment levels in your primary relationship will reduce. Likely, they will follow the "usual" path of attrition. But, the positive affirmations of an affair may "offset" (to some degree) the negative influences of your primary relationship. In other words, the affair aspect may produce a band-aid effect. Your resentment levels will be like anyone elses. But, in your case there is a potential upside in the affair as a positive input. And that, is a two edged sword. It may help you cope with the core problem and bring some short term relief. But it might also hold you in the situation longer than is good for you.
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Post by james on Nov 14, 2017 5:12:12 GMT -5
I think if you were planning outsourcing as a long-term strategem to allow you to stay in your marriage, then it might work. The trouble is, I'm not sure that that is a good long-term strategem. I have heard from some people who have tried it that they still don't feel free. If it is a short-term fix then I tend to agree with Baza that it might just distract your attention and energy from trying to fix the underlying problem, which is your need to formulate an exit strategy. But like Baza says, I haven't tried it either so what do I know?
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 14, 2017 20:49:38 GMT -5
theexplorer , baza has pretty much laid out your near term future in his latest response. Staying is doable, I am doing it. But I can attest to his last statement "Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too". There is no way to avoid the festering resentment. I have to wonder: Is the resentment still as strong and poisonous if you happen to be engaged in a satisfying, long-term affair? I will let you know, but, so far, so good. My resentment is way down. I think I am generally happier and easier to get along with. I think my wife is burying her feelings. She's smart as hell. I can do my best to hide the who and the where, but she knows the symptoms of the what, and why, and because it is a LDR the when is pretty blatant. I am sure her resentment is up. She has lost a lot of power and stability. Having a meaningful affair is helping me cope with my situation, and it is helping my LDR AP cope with her situation, but it does nothing to change the fact we are both stuck in failed marriages. We are both staying for the kids. We go back home whether we have that afterglow or we just want to ball up and cry, and play the roll of the loving spouse in front of the kids. It sucks, but at least we know that somebody out there does care about us, understand us, love us the way we crave to be loved, and wants to be close to us even when they can't be. It makes the rest of the commitment more bearable.
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drbamboo
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by drbamboo on Nov 14, 2017 22:53:53 GMT -5
How does a sexless marriage harm a person? The reason for the question: My experience has seriously hurt my self-esteem and it has affected my social life. I have been attempting to repair or heal these areas of my life. The question is, whether or not there are additional problems and issues I need to investigate or resolve? The second question is, Can a person recover from the damage caused by the sexless marriage while they remain in the sexless marriage? In my case, I have some strong motivation to stay in the marriage. Outsourcing is not really an option in my situation. I have been exercising and making some new friends outside my marriage. I have been improving, but it seems like the improvements are coming SO VERY slowly! Does anyone have any advice on these questions? My answer to the first question about other issues in your life would be yes, you probably do have other issues unrelated to your SM (we all have issues), but you don't need to stay married to figure them out. In fact getting unmarried will add clarity that will help you work through them more easily. Be careful not to use "other issues" as a delaying tactic. I did that. It's a mistake. My answer to the second question about recovery while remaining in an SM would be absolutely not. The SM is poisoning you in ways you can't even see yet. Would a doctor tell you to try recovering from a broken leg before he sets it? "Come on old boy, get up and start rehab. We'll set the leg next week." It's all backwards. Recovery does not begin until after you leave. And that book that suggested building a life without sex sounds a bit loopy. I would worry that the author does not understand SM and sees it like living with low back pain or something. It's not. It's a soul crushing nightmare, not a skin rash. With all due respect, I hear you trying to rationalize staying. You have real and valid reasons for staying: financial, family, etc. Don't add to the list. Stick to the real issues. Again, I hear myself over the last 10 years. So just trying to help. Wishing you a speedy "recovery".
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Post by theexplorer on Nov 16, 2017 19:54:32 GMT -5
If you are choosing to stay for the moment Brother theexplorer , here's some suggestions for you. Sex, is - obviously - out of the picture. So you need to cease and desist from any form of trying to beg, cajole, reason, force or manipulate your spouse sexually. And you need to do this in good humour, not resentfully. You need to stop complaining about your spouses behaviour. You need to cease chasing your spouses' "why". You need to completely and willingly let it go. Sex is NOT going to be a part of this relationship. Get the pressure off your spouse - and yourself - by taking this aspect of the relationship right off the agenda. This relationship is incapable of delivering sex. RECOGNISE the REALITY of what the relationship is NOT capable of delivering And conduct yourself accordingly. Now, without any sexual pressure on the relationship, the relationship can be based on what it IS capable of delivering. What will probably fuck you up in this, is the festering resentment levels. You most likely will NOT be able to "accept it" - "let it go" - "genuinely accept it". You most likely remain resentful, angry, upset and unhappy. Resentment will steadily poison the other aspects of your deal too.
Very, very wise words, Baza! I realized several months back that wishing for something so unlikely is a waste of my energy. I've attempted to let it go. I've been focusing on the positive things in my life and marriage. This has certainly improved my life. I'm happier now. Unfortunately, there are still times when the resentment comes to the surface though.
To answer someone else's question, I am working to improve the financial situation. Regardless of what happens with the marriage, being in a better financial position is a good outcome! This is my most important priority at the moment.
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Post by james on Nov 17, 2017 3:40:35 GMT -5
My only point on this that I think I have made before is that it would not be possible to put Baza's extremely wise words into action unless I had also at the same time made the decision that I was going to leave the marriage at a point in the foreseeable future. I think that it would be too difficult to put the resentment aside without a clear exit plan in place. In fact impossible, for me anyway.
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