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Post by ironhamster on Nov 8, 2017 5:34:52 GMT -5
Another one, I am sorry to hear that. The stories the same, man baby won't get it up for anything but the TV. Honestly I don't understand men like this, I feel like it has something to do with their upbringing, absent dad, or raised by grand parents, they are always a little off, in some social circles known as betas. The best advice I can give you is keep up the honesty, let him know you have a soft spot for his hard spot, and if he doesn't start taking advantage of it, you'll find someone that will. Divorce may not be convenient, but a FWB may be a better solution. I'd push the issue, get dressed up Friday night, makeup whole 9, let him know you're going out for some drinks and stay out late, or rent a hotel and come back in the morning, not saying you do something, but just to gauge his reaction to the thought of you being available, and the unknown of whether or not you went through with it. One of the catalysts of me ending up here was, long before I was even considering an affair, evidence that I was. My wife responded by stepping up her game. Six months later I found this place and some people are familiar with my story since. The lesson learned is that no amount of pressure or concern will change the fact that some couples are just not sexually compatible.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 8, 2017 6:47:01 GMT -5
I don't see the things you said to your H as immature, I see them as acts of desperation, trying to communicate just how bad things have deteriorated. My last act of desperation was when I sat my X down to discuss me having a FWB. The 3 discussions that followed actually brought about a resurgence to our intimacy. It lasted about 3 months and she returned to refusing as the go to mode when I initiated. She simply had no desire for any kind of intimacy, not with me or anyone else. Our LL or zero libido partners are who they are, just as we are who we are. Even the sure and certain prospect that I would end the marriage wasn't enough to bring about a long lasting change in her. I don't fault her for something she simply couldn't do. I accepted the situation for what it was. I think you are still basically in anger mode, but you are rapidly approaching acceptance of the situation. Reconciliation isn't going so well. Counselling isn't going so well. Probably a # of other aspects in the marriage aren't going well either. You tire of maintaining the façade. You have pushed your chips into the center of the table by insisting he "man up" or open the marriage for you. He has called by essentially ignoring you and focusing his attention on his job/career. He has disengaged physically and it seems emotionally from the marriage/family part of his life, except for the things required to hold it together for appearance and convenience sake. I state the obvious. I don't have any advice for you, just what I experienced when I accepted the reality of my own SM. It finally became about me at the end, just as it is becoming about you for you. She couldn't change, be something she wasn't. I couldn't continue to be someone I wasn't. Once I accepted that and embraced it, my path became clearer. It doesn't seem you have reached "deal breaker status yet", but it looks like it's lurking, maybe around the next couple corners. You'll know it when you get there.
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Post by JMX on Nov 8, 2017 19:21:09 GMT -5
Thank you all for entertaining my rant. And it is just that, a rant. I don't post threads much anymore - unless I can try and put a positive or funny spin on something so I cringed opening this back up to see all of the helpful comments and advice. I have read it all before. Hell, I have given it!
It was good for me to read it again. Thank you!
I've had a bad week. I got depressed, skipped my PT workouts and ate like shit this week. I had a couple of good cries. Even a full-on meltdown in front of a good friend who patiently heard me out (she has heard it before but not like this) and let me cry and throw my tantrum. I even threw some shoes around in my closet 😳
This week - I have looked at couples I know - aware that they actually screw often. I have looked at women I know, knowing their husbands chase them around the bedroom all the time. I have been insanely jealous.
And that's not who I am.
This week I have taken stock of my physical appearance, alone or in a crowd. I judge masses of people at once, sizing myself up to where I fit in on a sliding scale. I judge myself in the mirror or in photos - harshly. Jealous of what I have, don't have or should have.
Unfortunately, that is sometimes who I am.
I will say, I am not in love with my husband anymore. I do love him, but I don't pine for him. I only wish it would turn around because I *could* do that too, I think I could stretch myself to find it again if I felt it was reciprocated in the way I need. I do not want to be divorced. It is messy.
But I feel messy inside this marriage too.
When I say that this is about me - what I mean is - I know I will likely not be happy until I fix some of my anxieties and insecurities. I know that is on me. I work on it, have a good run, and then just fall off of a cliff.
I believe life would be perfect if I was just with someone who adored me. Honestly, I am sure that is not true.
Otherwise, I am thankful for all of the good things in my life and feel like a big baby for complaining or complaining and not doing anything about it already.
I appreciate all of you. Thank you again.
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Post by h on Nov 8, 2017 19:39:11 GMT -5
All of us are entitled to the occasional melt down. Hope today was a better day.☺
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 8, 2017 20:19:35 GMT -5
"this week I have taken stock of my physical appearance, alone or in a crowd. I judge masses of people at once, sizing myself up to where I fit in on a sliding scale. I judge myself in the mirror or in photos - harshly. Jealous of what I have, don't have or should have. "
I've seen your picture, and you are a beautiful woman.
" When I say that this is about me - what I mean is - I know I will likely not be happy until I fix some of my anxieties and insecurities. I know that is on me. I work on it, have a good run, and then just fall off of a cliff. "
It's good to work on yourself. At the same time, it's important to realize that if you're married with a refuser, the fact that the man who is supposed to sexually desire you doesn't makes it very hard for you to appeciate all you had to offer. I found it much easier to appreciate myself when I was getting out of my marriage than when I was in it. I continue to know that I would be and was happier being single than being married to a man who rejected something that is my very essence. I deserved better than that.
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Post by JMX on Nov 8, 2017 20:23:59 GMT -5
northstarmom - thank you. I understand what you are saying. I am working on it, but I do suspect what you say to be true - I wonder if I would feel differently outside of this mind-fuck.
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Post by M2G on Nov 9, 2017 5:38:21 GMT -5
"this week I have taken stock of my physical appearance, alone or in a crowd. I judge masses of people at once, sizing myself up to where I fit in on a sliding scale. I judge myself in the mirror or in photos - harshly. Jealous of what I have, don't have or should have. " I've seen your picture, and you are a beautiful woman. ..And this is another casualty of self worth that can be inflicted by refusers (and abusers in general): a crap image of self. Consciously or unconsciously it becomes another trap set by the abuser to hold a person close by instilling a sense of worthlessness in the abused. As I get older, I look back at photos of myself and say man, I wish I still looked that good. However (and this if the BIG however) in each and every one of those photos I remember thinking "damn I'm ugly, why does she stay with me when she's so beautiful" and/or "I'll never find anyone else that would give me a second look" and all kinds of negative inner self talk. So, I tend to "shrink myself" in public, to the point that I usually get passed over by the wait-staff in restaurants when part of a large group, and sometimes when I'm alone they will seat me then forget about me. This shit started even before I met my W, with my own family, but my W has contributed over the years as well, using words like disgusting, no chin, saggy, and more. As well, she will at times mock guys she sees on TV, who are far better looking and in far better shape than I am (saying things like "he should never take off his shirt in public" and such comments). Does she realize what she's been doing? I can't read minds - but it can certainly cut to the bone, intentional or not.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 7:36:45 GMT -5
“Does she realize what she's been doing? I can't read minds - but it can certainly cut to the bone, intentional or not.”
Of course she is deliberately saying cruel things -/ to keep you in your place so she has the marriage she wants. As long as you think you are a nothing undeserving of love, sex and kindness, you will stay with her instead of leaving her and finding a woman who loves you and treats you with kindness and happily has sex with you.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 7:40:22 GMT -5
“ iwonder if I would feel differently outside of this mind-fuck.”
Spend more times with people who bring you joy, people like those vibrant women friends you visited. You looked radiant with them. They appreciate you and bring out your best. The more you are around such people the more you will see how beautiful you are and how you deserve much more than your husband can give. Befriend and spend time with people who make you feel happy, energized and lovely.
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Post by M2G on Nov 9, 2017 11:43:35 GMT -5
Wow this post hit a huge trigger. TY JMX for posting and TY northstarmom for that response. Still fuming since last night and the anger is giving me a good energy (or rather I'm using it in a positive way)
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