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Post by JMX on Nov 6, 2017 23:11:46 GMT -5
I always thought it would have been nice to have an older brother... someone to protect you, even when you didn't deserve it. Someone that loved you unconditionally.
I don't have that, not really.
My husband has become my brother. The kind that doesn't give a shit - it's no surprise.
The last time I had sex was July 2nd. I initiated. I also initiated the time before - a cabin in the woods, our children upstairs in the loft, Easter weekend.
My "reconciliation" isn't going so well...
Our couples' counselor has turned into his individual counselor only. From my estimation - it has been a much-needed outlet for him to discuss how he can appropriately assert himself at work and that is it. My individual counselor was recently exasperated by my recent admission of what I recently said to my husband:
It's been three months! Either you help me figure out a divorce, I divorce you without your input OR, I am allowed an affair. You are not allowed an affair - because you don't get all of the good parts of me and get to screw someone else."
Was it immature?
Sure.
Was it honest?
Yes.
It's not fair that you play video games on YOUR off days and I pay a landscaper to mow the grass, a pool guy to take care of the pool and recently, because I cannot keep up - a maid to clean the house. My mom is our nanny. If she didn't live close, I would have to pay another to help me cart children while I work (he works too and is available for children stuff after5 - I am not totally bitching).
My extroverted child is so bored on weekends that my mom hosts play dates because he cannot be bothered on weekends that I work. My mom is 70.
I am pissed. Every time that I get a foothold - start to take care of myself - I get knocked down. I am so busy right now with work that my fingers are bloody nubs (again), I enjoy too much wine (again) and I eat mindlessly. I am fighting like mad to quell it -but it keeps resurfacing.
I have an EAP I have had for two years - I cannot pull the trigger - partly because it's not who I am, but mostly because I am so torn down that I cannot imagine meeting and him wanting me.
I am broken.
You would never know it if you met me IRL. I am charming. I care about what you are going through. I hide my emotions well- it's never about me.
It's never about me.
Until I come here... and then it is positive and negative and looking inside of someone else, and then, looking inside of me.
It IS about me.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 6, 2017 23:45:32 GMT -5
So sorry to hear of your pain sister JMX. Eventually there will probably come a time when you will pull the trigger on your marriage. It really sounds like you are stuck with an immature man child with the sex drive of a 90 year old.
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Post by h on Nov 6, 2017 23:47:13 GMT -5
You're allowed to have it be about you as much as you want. Your statement to your H was selfish but that's within your rights also. He's been plenty selfish for a while it seems. It's about time for you to get yours.
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Post by baza on Nov 7, 2017 0:55:26 GMT -5
In an ILIASM shithole, there is no "we" or "us". In some instances there may have been once, in other instances there never was. So it is entirely reasonable - in an ILIASM shithole - to adopt a position that "it's all about me". All you are doing is acknowledging the facts and the reality. If your life is going to move forward, then "someone" is going to have to start making the necessary difficult choices to facilitate that forward motion. And *you* are hereby elected. No-one else is going to do that for you. Indeed, no-one else can do that for you. But it is optional. You don't *have* to make these choices. But you don't get a pass either. If you won't make the necessary choices, then you wear the consequences of not making the necessary choices. It is all quite fair and egalitarian. And it IS "all about you" and the immutable life law of choice. Same for Mr JMX . He has chosen how he wanted to conduct himself over the past XX years. He may be about to wear the consequences of those choices. That will be on him. His choice, his consequence.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 7, 2017 2:23:02 GMT -5
Older brother? I think you have a younger brother, there. You need an older brother to pick the man-child up off the couch by his ankles and tell him to man the fuck up.
Wait. Scratch that. You do not need either brother. He needs that older brother to straighten him up. In all honesty, I do not see that happening.
Oh, and the choices you presented were honest and reasonable. I'd love to hear what possible alternatives your counselor might have presented.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 7, 2017 2:56:04 GMT -5
My dear JMXFocus on yourself and what you want for yourself and your life and which option you want for yourself. I needed a divorce because i did not like the outsourcing choice despite trying it. However if you can not pull the trigger on divorce at the moment then he has no right to hold your sexuality hostage either. Maybe try the outsource thing for yourself, a gift for you and it may give you some clarity. Your husband doesn't want to participate in your sexuality therefore he doesn't get a say. You have options! Love and hugs Xoxo
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 8:03:57 GMT -5
“ it's been three months! Either you help me figure out a divorce, I divorce you without your input OR, I am allowed an affair. You are not allowed an affair - because you don't get all of the good parts of me and get to screw someone else."
Doesn’t seem immature. It seems honest. It also is similar to what I said to my refuser except I did not mention divorce and wasn’t even thinking of divorce.
Two years later, I still had not had an affair nor had I had sex with my husband. But there were indications he was having an affair. I asked for a divorce and I initiated the proceedings. He went along with it. I have no idea if that was what he wanted. I don’t care. He’d had his chance to work on our marriage and he had not. I decided it was my time to live the life I wanted. You can make that choice and stop waiting for your husband to change or make a decision.
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 7, 2017 10:53:01 GMT -5
July 2nd! Can't someone make him feel some shame in this? Or does he feel proud to be asexual.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 12:13:33 GMT -5
You can’t shame a person into wanting to fuck.
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Post by M2G on Nov 7, 2017 12:41:12 GMT -5
You can’t shame a person into wanting to fuck. Laughing my ass off; that’s one that never crossed my mind.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 7, 2017 13:32:53 GMT -5
. . . My individual counselor was recently exasperated by my recent admission of what I recently said to my husband: It's been three months! Either you help me figure out a divorce, I divorce you without your input OR, I am allowed an affair. You are not allowed an affair - because you don't get all of the good parts of me and get to screw someone else." Was it immature? Hell no! That was probably the most mature thing you could have said to him. It was unambiguous, it was direct, it was honest. Your counselor seems to have missed the boat on it.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 7, 2017 15:40:20 GMT -5
Older brother? I think you have a younger brother, there. You need an older brother to pick the man-child up off the couch by his ankles and tell him to man the fuck up. Wait. Scratch that. You do not need either brother. He needs that older brother to straighten him up. In all honesty, I do not see that happening. Oh, and the choices you presented were honest and reasonable. I'd love to hear what possible alternatives your counselor might have presented. More like a little bitch.
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Post by M2G on Nov 7, 2017 17:06:35 GMT -5
My individual counselor was recently exasperated by my recent admission of what I recently said to my husband: It's been three months! Either you help me figure out a divorce, I divorce you without your input OR, I am allowed an affair. You are not allowed an affair - because you don't get all of the good parts of me and get to screw someone else." Was it immature? Sounds like the counselor was more focused on trying to keep a "correct peace" IE: making sure that everyone comes out of the situation with a smile. Ludicrous. To make everyone happy, means that YOU have to suffer with lame or no sex for the rest of your life, and SMILE about it - maybe the counselor would write you a prescription to make that happen? (Or do the same for you mate?) I will weigh in here with the others: your response was perfect and very reasonably stated with no ambiguity - and very adult. I wish you all the best.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Nov 7, 2017 18:49:05 GMT -5
Another one, I am sorry to hear that. The stories the same, man baby won't get it up for anything but the TV. Honestly I don't understand men like this, I feel like it has something to do with their upbringing, absent dad, or raised by grand parents, they are always a little off, in some social circles known as betas. The best advice I can give you is keep up the honesty, let him know you have a soft spot for his hard spot, and if he doesn't start taking advantage of it, you'll find someone that will. Divorce may not be convenient, but a FWB may be a better solution. I'd push the issue, get dressed up Friday night, makeup whole 9, let him know you're going out for some drinks and stay out late, or rent a hotel and come back in the morning, not saying you do something, but just to gauge his reaction to the thought of you being available, and the unknown of whether or not you went through with it.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 7, 2017 18:53:13 GMT -5
“ The best advice I can give you is keep up the honesty, let him know you have a soft spot for his hard spot, and if he doesn't ....”
It’s not possible to beg, threaten, guilt, cajole or manipulate someone into passionately and happily fucking you if they have no interest.
If she wants good sex, she needs to find a man who lusts after her.
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