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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 6:52:01 GMT -5
Last night, the W initiated not-so-resetting sex. She has noticed that I stopped asking for sex weeks ago, and took it upon herself to make it happen. No foreplay, a bit of faked passion, and in twenty minutes she was too sore to continue so we stopped and talked.
She now knows I am staying for the sake of our youngest, and that I can afford to leave if things get bad. She tried to throw blame back on me about how her emotional bank account has been empty and I am not jumping through the right hoops to fill it. She said she had been to two doctors and asked them about her low libido, and they both asked, "are you sure it's not emotional?"
My response was that my sexual bank account was empty, too, and whatever excuse she had, it did nothing to change the fact that for the last twenty-four years she has not wanted to fuck me, and if I was that bad for her emotions than that was just further evidence that we were a mismatch.
By the way, I spoke with a friend that did have some hormonal issues with her sex drive, and she questioned my wife's story, saying that she has never been asked anything like that by her doctors.
Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender is not working for her, any more. I know my game plan is a little different, but the ball is moving forward, and I am happy with the pace.
Thank you, everyone, for your insights. Without this group I would still be miserable.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 7:00:36 GMT -5
“Last night, the W initiated not-so-resetting sex. She has noticed that I stopped asking for sex weeks ago, and took it upon herself to make it happen. No foreplay, a bit of faked passion, and in twenty minutes she was too sore to continue so we stopped and talked. “
Masturbation imagining a loving, passionate partner would be more fun and would prepare you for a future with a compatible partner.
You and your wife are not compatible sexually. It’s a waste of time to engage with her about sex including verbally engaging about sex.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 7:09:45 GMT -5
LOL. You are right, northstarmom, but I have never counter-refused her. I suspect that this was our final sexual performance.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 7:29:24 GMT -5
LOL. You are right, northstarmom , but I have never counter-refused her. I suspect that this was our final sexual performance. It's a happy and sad time isn't it? Like a victory over winning a bloody battle. Then having to take care of the wounded and live with the killing that occurred. You reversed things by standing up for yourself. You leveled the playing field, and look what's happening. Greater things will be coming your way, and you will make that happen!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 26, 2017 7:59:26 GMT -5
Open & honest communication is always good, I think. I’m glad she stopped faking & talked with you. A major flaw in her thinking, if I might: She is the only person in charge of her emotional bank account. She may well need to have it filled but it is up to HER to allow it to fill. I tend to fill mine through prayer/meditation, exercise (it’s just as good for mental health as it is for physical body), spending time with friends & program fellows, journaling (to process my own emotions: name & claim them). Etc. oh yeah, & corresponding with family. That one is last for me because my siblings & parents are pretty stressful for me but I am learning to manage my emotions & thoughts around them. Point being: You are not the one in charge of deposits to her account. She is the “teller” & needs to allow deposits- from kids, or you, or sex, or outside actions that have not much to do with you. But it’s up to her, it’s an inside job. Looking outside ourselves for a base foundation of happiness won’t ever work. We must build the base, however we can, & THEN other people in our lives can add to it or enhance it. It’s not your fault she is a miserable cuss.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 8:11:03 GMT -5
LOL. You are right, northstarmom , but I have never counter-refused her. I suspect that this was our final sexual performance. It's a happy and sad time isn't it? Like a victory over winning a bloody battle. Then having to take care of the wounded and live with the killing that occurred. You reversed things by standing up for yourself. You leveled the playing field, and look what's happening. Greater things will be coming your way, and you will make that happen! It is bittersweet, but good. I cannot fix the mistakes of the last quarter century, but I am not under the weight of trying to fix things, now. We are still headed for counseling, if she ever chooses to sign us up, but I don't see the focus to be reconciliation. We just need to deal peacefully with the fact that our marriage is a formality while we still have a kid to raise. I think we can do that.
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Post by WindSister on Oct 26, 2017 10:05:49 GMT -5
Open & honest communication is always good, I think. I’m glad she stopped faking & talked with you. A major flaw in her thinking, if I might: She is the only person in charge of her emotional bank account. She may well need to have it filled but it is up to HER to allow it to fill. I tend to fill mine through prayer/meditation, exercise (it’s just as good for mental health as it is for physical body), spending time with friends & program fellows, journaling (to process my own emotions: name & claim them). Etc. oh yeah, & corresponding with family. That one is last for me because my siblings & parents are pretty stressful for me but I am learning to manage my emotions & thoughts around them. Point being: You are not the one in charge of deposits to her account. She is the “teller” & needs to allow deposits- from kids, or you, or sex, or outside actions that have not much to do with you. But it’s up to her, it’s an inside job. Looking outside ourselves for a base foundation of happiness won’t ever work. We must build the base, however we can, & THEN other people in our lives can add to it or enhance it. It’s not your fault she is a miserable cuss. Exactly.
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Post by snowman12345 on Oct 26, 2017 19:01:03 GMT -5
Open & honest communication is always good, I think. I’m glad she stopped faking & talked with you. A major flaw in her thinking, if I might: She is the only person in charge of her emotional bank account. She may well need to have it filled but it is up to HER to allow it to fill. I tend to fill mine through prayer/meditation, exercise (it’s just as good for mental health as it is for physical body), spending time with friends & program fellows, journaling (to process my own emotions: name & claim them). Etc. oh yeah, & corresponding with family. That one is last for me because my siblings & parents are pretty stressful for me but I am learning to manage my emotions & thoughts around them. Point being: You are not the one in charge of deposits to her account. She is the “teller” & needs to allow deposits- from kids, or you, or sex, or outside actions that have not much to do with you. But it’s up to her, it’s an inside job. Looking outside ourselves for a base foundation of happiness won’t ever work. We must build the base, however we can, & THEN other people in our lives can add to it or enhance it. It’s not your fault she is a miserable cuss. Once you come to the realization that only you can make yourself happy, the world becomes a different place. I enjoy things I have not even thought about in years. I don't pretend anymore either - no more looking for ways to suck up and maybe gain her attention. Nope, just don't give a fuck anymore. I get attention elsewhere and I am content with that for the time being. You do have to move it along at your own pace - and as I go along, I care less and less. My 3 year old granddaughter once said of one of her little friends "He makes me unhappy". When I told her that the only person that can make her happy was herself; her grandmother looked at me like I had grown another head. To quote the "Princess Bride" - "Inconceivable!"
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 19:16:40 GMT -5
...Point being: You are not the one in charge of deposits to her [emotional bank] account. She is the “teller” & needs to allow deposits- from kids, or you, or sex, or outside actions that have not much to do with you. But it’s up to her, it’s an inside job.... It’s not your fault she is a miserable cuss. BOOM! There are a lot of intellectual sticks of dynamite on this forum. Too many to count. This is one more undeniable statement that hits home like a MOAB in my head, and will go off in my W's if her talking points are ever used again.
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Post by baza on Oct 26, 2017 21:09:24 GMT -5
It reads like your deal is now entering the "end game" phase Brother ironhamster. Only suggestion I have is to recheck your legal advice, plug any holes in your exit strategy, cultivate your support network and generally review your preparations. They may be called into play a lot sooner than you might think.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 21:30:10 GMT -5
It's a happy and sad time isn't it? Like a victory over winning a bloody battle. Then having to take care of the wounded and live with the killing that occurred. You reversed things by standing up for yourself. You leveled the playing field, and look what's happening. Greater things will be coming your way, and you will make that happen! It is bittersweet, but good. I cannot fix the mistakes of the last quarter century, but I am not under the weight of trying to fix things, now. We are still headed for counseling, if she ever chooses to sign us up, but I don't see the focus to be reconciliation. We just need to deal peacefully with the fact that our marriage is a formality while we still have a kid to raise. I think we can do that. Headed for council? Just a brief summary of what's been discussed on here before. Refusers rarely want to participate in counseling. That means being exposed and having the truth shown to someone else, they don't like that!. Refusers are normally master manipulators and may welcome counseling. Mostly because they can manipulate a councilor too. Refusers and councilors can many times be on the same page when it comes to a man should just suck it up and be a doormat. The other side of that coin is that a good councilor will verify for you much of what you have been discovering all along. Confirmation can be a great tool in helping you to press forward in rebuilding yourself!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 26, 2017 22:09:13 GMT -5
Well done! It sounds like you are being your authentic self in these interactions. Inspiring. I am working on being consistently and ruthlessly honest and authentic. It is really a shock to the pattern of a marriage. Bewildering to the refusers.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 26, 2017 22:18:20 GMT -5
It reads like your deal is now entering the "end game" phase Brother ironhamster. Only suggestion I have is to recheck your legal advice, plug any holes in your exit strategy, cultivate your support network and generally review your preparations. They may be called into play a lot sooner than you might think. I am very much behind in my planning. I had a revelation today with our finances. I borrow from nobody. My wife, against my judgement, went out and got a credit card. Her bank statements are visible to me, but not her credit card statement. A year ago she had a five figure surplus in savings, and that has all evaporated, with a string of ~$4k credit card payments. I am scratching my head, wondering if she is squirreling away cash, or if she is relieving her stress by blowing money stupidly. I am hoping we can both handle this situation like adults. Apparently, she cannot make it on my whole paycheck. I don't know how she will survive on half.
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Post by james on Oct 27, 2017 3:23:40 GMT -5
I did a brief totting up and realised that, either by myself or with my wife, I have been to see 5 different counsellors over the last 8 years, and mostly for a decent number of sessions. I have referenced the sexlessness of my marriage with all of them. The strange thing to me now is that none of them appeared to recognise or acknowledge the existence of sexless marriage. Maybe from the counsellor's perspective, we are not a special case at all (as we perhaps see ourselves) but just one more point on the continuum of non-functioning relationships. Has anyone actually been to see a counsellor who has a handle on sexless marriage?
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 27, 2017 4:16:03 GMT -5
Since leaving, I had to acknowledge that I wasn't filling my ex's emotional bank account, I definitely was not a 'good wife' toward the end. I don't agree that we don't have responsibility for our spouse's emotional 'bank accounts' - we throw in our lots together, money, life, emotions and physical needs. We each have the ultimate responsibility for those needs, but we are supposed to be looking after each other.
I felt the 'marriage' part was over because my ex wasn't doing his part of the deal supporting me emotionally, physically, sexually. He was a shit husband. I withdrew. He became even more reluctant to be a good husband. If you think that there is anything that can be done to save your marriage, you have to take the risk to support your spouse in the way that they need to be supported and they have to do the same. If you think that there isn't any point, so be it - you may be right -there certainly wasn't any point in my marriage. But I can't pretend I was a 'good wife' or even a wife who met his emotional needs at the end.
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