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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 13:25:52 GMT -5
It's nice to have support. Honestly (and I could be wrong about this because I do not have children but) I wonder what parent wouldn't want their child to be happy? I can't fathom that. If your child is not acting "self destructive" (ie. drugs, alcohol, abuse) what parent wouldn't support decisions that bring happiness and fulfillment to their children? I ask because I know some. A woman I know brow beat her son because he wanted to take a job out of state. I got on her bad side when I told her "Maybe your 27 yo son can make his own decisions." She then stopped speaking to me. So I count that as a win. (If I knew it was so easy....) So, I am glad that you got that support Dan, and I hope you can support your children as unconditionally as well. My mom was afraid that if the divorce went badly she would never see her grandchildren. She also worried about the effect on the grandchildren. Now that things are going OK post-divorce, she is worried that if my ex finds out about my relationship with ballofconfusion it will cause the ex to go crazy and not let her see the kids. Mom needs to understand that my ex cannot keep the kids from me without being in violation of the divorce decree. If my ex were to do that, I would take her to court, and the judge would not look kindly on such behavior. But moms worry. Mine is no exception. Grandparents have visitation rights to. Check on line what Texas says about that. That's something my attorney and I will discuss near the end. I can see my ex using her father living with her as a court ordered manipulation tool.
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Post by wewbwb on Oct 26, 2017 14:23:38 GMT -5
shamwow Worry. That's what parents do. (& Grandparents)
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Post by shamwow on Oct 26, 2017 15:00:32 GMT -5
My mom was afraid that if the divorce went badly she would never see her grandchildren. She also worried about the effect on the grandchildren. Now that things are going OK post-divorce, she is worried that if my ex finds out about my relationship with ballofconfusion it will cause the ex to go crazy and not let her see the kids. Mom needs to understand that my ex cannot keep the kids from me without being in violation of the divorce decree. If my ex were to do that, I would take her to court, and the judge would not look kindly on such behavior. But moms worry. Mine is no exception. Grandparents have visitation rights to. Check on line what Texas says about that. That's something my attorney and I will discuss near the end. I can see my ex using her father living with her as a court ordered manipulation tool. It's my mom's fear, not mine.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 15:12:57 GMT -5
Grandparents have visitation rights to. Check on line what Texas says about that. That's something my attorney and I will discuss near the end. I can see my ex using her father living with her as a court ordered manipulation tool. It's my mom's fear, not mine. Gotchya'. What about the ex's parents, just in case it becomes an issue?
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Post by shamwow on Oct 26, 2017 15:48:54 GMT -5
It's my mom's fear, not mine. Gotchya'. What about the ex's parents, just in case it becomes an issue? Won't become an issue. In Texas: Grandparents play an important role in their grandchildren's life, and can develop strong bonds that last a lifetime. Today, every state has some type of grandparent visitation law. Grandparents' rights generally apply to the custody of a grandchild and visitation privileges. Grandparents may file suit requesting custody if they believe it is in the child's best interest. Visitation statutes vary widely from state to state. In Texas, a court can authorize grandparent visitation of a grandchild if visitation is in the child's best interest, and one of the following circumstances exists: The parents divorced; The parent abused or neglected the child; The parent has been incarcerated, found incompetent, or died; A court-order terminated the parent-child relationship; or The child has lived with the grandparent for at least six months. Visitation statutes do not give a grandparent an absolute right to visitation. Also, a grandparent may not request visitation if the grandchild has been adopted by someone other than the child's step-parent. My ex-MIL would have to take me to court, and I don't mind her seeing the kids anyway, so it's moot. Plus, we are talking about 4 1/2 years until the youngest is 18 and graduated (gulp). After that, I can't dictate things, the ex can't dictate things, nor can the grandparents. The kids get to decide how much or little they want to see all of us. The less we fight, the more likely they will want to be around us. The more we fight, the more likely the kids will say "to hell with all of you" or dread seeing any of us. Don't get me wrong. My ex-MIL used to love me to death until I divorced her little girl. Now, she is kind of the snake in the weeds and I think my ex-wife actually restrains her some. I think I may have been her retirement plan TBH But for now, I'll sometimes take the kids to see my folks on my weekends. My ex will take the kids to see the MIL on her weekends (she is doing so this weekend). The kids get to see family and cousins on both sides, and that is really the best thing for them. This week, my dad and I went to go see my son play football. Didn't sit with mom (she actually wasn't there), but that's to be expected. All in all? The ex and I are handling things mostly amicably for the sake of the kids. That's a hell of a lot better than "staying together" for the kids with obvious contempt and disrespect steaming up from both sides.
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Post by snowman12345 on Oct 26, 2017 18:13:51 GMT -5
I shared my situation with my mom, as well. Much more supportive than I expected. Even suggested I should outsource. Damn, mom! That one even caught me by surprise. The support was needed and appreciated. Your mom sounds awesome! Can I get her phone number? ...er, for a friend.
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Post by baza on Oct 26, 2017 21:47:37 GMT -5
Well the "support network" part of the equation appears to be ticking along quite nicely. Are the other aspects (legal advice, exit strategy, kids transition through such an event) similarly progressing Brother Dan ?
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Post by M2G on Oct 26, 2017 22:27:12 GMT -5
"I don't share because it makes me feel ashamed, less than a man, and I am afraid of ridicule" Do you feel that way because your close friends and relatives usually ridicule you when you tell them things that hurt or bother you? If that's the case, then it's time to make friends who are supportive. When I developed friendships with really nice people, I got the support I needed even if they themselves hadn't been in a SM. They still cared about the fact that my spouse was ignoring my needs. Before developing such friendships, I was in relationships in which I basically was the givers, and friends -- and relatives -- were takers. When I learned to recognize that dynamic and befriend people who really were friends, my life changed. I also was able to let go of the people who weren't supports, and develop friendships with people who were supports. Doing these things led to my being able to let go of my marriage in which I was the giver, he was the taker. Really just feel like a fool, more than anything else, for letting myself stay in this situation for so long it feels normal. Even now, I still come home from work every day and settle right back in. Most friends have drifted away. The best of my family have all passed, and the remainder - well I'd rather stay in my SM, than contact any of them. Guess it will ultimately take my frustration with the SM to get big enough to outweigh the pain of leaving.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 26, 2017 22:37:00 GMT -5
"Really just feel like a fool, more than anything else, for letting myself stay in this situation for so long it feels normal. Even now, I still come home from work every day and settle right back in."
Could not have said it better myself. I completely relate. It is like I am watching myself fall into the comfort of the way it has been for so long.
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Post by M2G on Oct 27, 2017 4:32:25 GMT -5
The funny (or ironic) thing, is that it would be easier to get out if we weren't getting along so well. Right now we're getting along better than ever. When sex was one of the highest priorities of our relationship, so was the fighting.
'course, the fact that I don't drink anymore, and she doesn't drink around me, is a major calming factor as well.
Still best friends, just not FWB's.
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Post by james on Oct 28, 2017 13:30:17 GMT -5
Agree. I no longer have any expectation that we will have sex and seem in consequence to be much happier. And getting on much better with W. I don’t think she realises that she should not find this reassuring (if she wants marriage to continue).
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 13:46:11 GMT -5
“The funny (or ironic) thing, is that it would be easier to get out if we weren't getting along so well.”
But you are getting along so well because you only expect her to act like a good roommate. You’ve given up on her acting like a wife. These are reasons why you might as well divorce. Your marriage is over.
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Post by james on Oct 28, 2017 13:51:38 GMT -5
Well said nsm. That is the key point.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 28, 2017 13:53:30 GMT -5
Agree. I no longer have any expectation that we will have sex and seem in consequence to be much happier. And getting on much better with W. I don’t think she realises that she should not find this reassuring (if she wants marriage to continue). She is more companionable because a large source of stress has been removed from her daily life. So often the concept of the passage of time is quite different. I have read on this site numerous posts that a refusing spouse states "we just had sex ,or it hasn't been that long" when in fact months have passed. As part of my trying to "fix it" I made no effort a initiating anything for a month so allow her to de-stress from my constant effort to fuck her. And she did seem more relaxed .I finally said something about having taken a break from anything that might have to do with sex. At the time I was surprised when she said she hadn't noticed.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 28, 2017 16:03:15 GMT -5
I have read on this site numerous posts that a refusing spouse states "we just had sex ,or it hasn't been that long" when in fact months have passed. As part of my trying to "fix it" I made no effort a initiating anything for a month so allow her to de-stress from my constant effort to fuck her. And she did seem more relaxed .I finally said something about having taken a break from anything that might have to do with sex. At the time I was surprised when she said she hadn't noticed. Ditto, james. I, too, have tried backing way off and not initiating intimacy. For months. Later, in a therapy session she still complained that I was always wanting sex. I called her on it, and she hadn't even noticed. They pick an excuse and milk it. Which is why the "why chasing" doesn't work - it doesn't matter that you fix the "why". It was never really the reason. As you've also experienced, we get along well when there's no sex. She's more relaxed because she has the life she wants. If only that was the life I want.
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