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Post by shamwow on Oct 31, 2017 16:21:04 GMT -5
I agree with Baza as well about the lying part. I think some people don't know themselves, though, and maybe inadvertently end up liars simply because they don't know how to live authentically. It's important to know yourself and how many of us fools really knew ourselves in our young 20's or whenever we first got married? I sure as hell had no clue. It's taken a lifetime to figure myself out (and I am not completely there). That's why I think there is so much divorce in the middle age group. People change, relationships can't always keep up. Actually, I am not sure we even "change" but more, we take off the masks and become more ourselves. Some lucky people have lived authentic from day one. But most really don't know who they are until a little life happens to them. If I had been begging my ex for sex for 10 years, I could call him a "refuser" but fact is, I wasn't chasing him either. It wasn't until the end of our relationship after 10 years sexless I suddenly thought, "WHAT THE HELL??? We don't have sex!!!!" Then I wanted things to change, I wanted him to change. That was asking too much. So can I really blame him for it all? Nope. For some damn reason I was going along with the status quo until one day I decided I didn't want to anymore. Not letting that happen again is my ultimate goal. I want a life of passion, intimacy, enthusiasm and shared joy. A note on sex drives, though, I highly doubt a couple can ever be 100% equally matched in that department. Maybe it's a limiting belief of mine, but I just don't see how it can be possible. Hormones change, age, health affects sex drive -- it all ebbs and flows, maybe one partner is high while the other is low and then it switches, etc. I agree on the sex drives never being 100% equally matched. The key, though, is that they overlap enough that as things ebb and flow you still cross into each other's zone often enough to avoid eternal frustration. 100% match? Impossible 80% match? Great! 60% match? Uh Oh 40% match? This fucking sucks 20% match? Get Out 0% match? You will need an alibi...now.
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Post by M2G on Nov 1, 2017 5:08:57 GMT -5
I agree with Baza as well about the lying part. I think some people don't know themselves, though, and maybe inadvertently end up liars simply because they don't know how to live authentically. It's important to know yourself and how many of us fools really knew ourselves in our young 20's or whenever we first got married? I sure as hell had no clue. It's taken a lifetime to figure myself out (and I am not completely there). That's why I think there is so much divorce in the middle age group. People change, relationships can't always keep up. Actually, I am not sure we even "change" but more, we take off the masks and become more ourselves. Some lucky people have lived authentic from day one. But most really don't know who they are until a little life happens to them. If I had been begging my ex for sex for 10 years, I could call him a "refuser" but fact is, I wasn't chasing him either. It wasn't until the end of our relationship after 10 years sexless I suddenly thought, "WHAT THE HELL??? We don't have sex!!!!" Then I wanted things to change, I wanted him to change. That was asking too much. So can I really blame him for it all? Nope. For some damn reason I was going along with the status quo until one day I decided I didn't want to anymore. Not letting that happen again is my ultimate goal. I want a life of passion, intimacy, enthusiasm and shared joy. A note on sex drives, though, I highly doubt a couple can ever be 100% equally matched in that department. Maybe it's a limiting belief of mine, but I just don't see how it can be possible. Hormones change, age, health affects sex drive -- it all ebbs and flows, maybe one partner is high while the other is low and then it switches, etc. Yes I hear that - very close to my own situation. Hyper-sex for the first 5 years or so of the relationship (married 3 years after we met, both virgins technically but somewhat experienced, and there was no intention of waiting for marriage) - at 10 started tapering off, at 20 barely anything, stopped asking by 30 as I was sick of the humiliation I felt every time I got shot down, and 100% refused for about 6 years now. Cycle ran from 1980 to present. I just took things as they came till one day I did a Google: "Is it considered abuse to withhold sex and intimacy from a spouse" and found EP (already closed) then landed here about 37 years after we met. At any/every point in this cycle I was willing to cater to her needs (though I must admit that sometimes I was more selfish than I needed to be). She stopped working around 95 due to stress/cPTSD issues centered mostly on her "parents." Things really started going downhill after her "father" groped her around her mid 30's. I gave her a big mental "pass" on the lack of intimacy for those reasons (and also both of us getting older) but frankly I never expected it to come to dead stop till we were both passed on or wearing diapers. Like GeekGoddess- I don't think my W was playing any kind of "reset sex" game, but results of that period of time had the same effect on me, mostly: "what's wrong with me? I'm getting old and ugly. I'm not fuckable anymore," and all of that kind of self destructive inner talk. Luckily, neither one of us wanted kids. When she took charge of her cPTSD issues, the walls went up to keep out the parents and, somewhere along the way I got behind those walls too, when it comes to the sex issue.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 1, 2017 8:07:27 GMT -5
Yes M2G - even though the spouse may have had no malicious intent whatsoever- the EFFECTS on me were there too - that emotional abuse form that not only convinced me I was no longer fuckable, also never noticed how it changed my thrill to live. Negative self-talk cycles are hard to break! Between the spouse & society, I did believe that maybe I was the abnormal one to still want passion. So glad I found EP. and read the posts by metamomma there. Her story changed my life perspective greatly. I am not too old (or fat or stupid) to fuck. My Ex was (is) a smart man in a lot of ways, but he was an idiot to lose me. And today - I’m much more okay with that than I was during the divorce process. It is what it is. I’m not dead yet, and I don’t plan to live like I am.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 1, 2017 8:25:06 GMT -5
Yes M2G - even though the spouse may have had no malicious intent whatsoever- the EFFECTS on me were there too - that emotional abuse form that not only convinced me I was no longer fuckable, also never noticed how it changed my thrill to live. Negative self-talk cycles are hard to break! Between the spouse & society, I did believe that maybe I was the abnormal one to still want passion. So glad I found EP. and read the posts by metamomma there. Her story changed my life perspective greatly. I am not too old (or fat or stupid) to fuck. My Ex was (is) a smart man in a lot of ways, but he was an idiot to lose me. And today - I’m much more okay with that than I was during the divorce process. It is what it is. I’m not dead yet, and I don’t plan to live like I am. It certainly is 'a process'! Last night I was talking with one of the ladies from my divorce recovery class about how much negativity we share about our divorce process. We both share comfort in the fact that once it's over we can and should put it behind us, not mention it to much when meeting new people. Present a happier 'I enjoy life' package. How difficult is that when your living in the SM shithole? Especially when your spouse is quiet content with keeping things just the way the are, or they to begin to realize you have given up. They drained the well dry. Guess what they are going to do next? Blame you, even more, and move on to a fresh new well, another willful victim.
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Post by darktippedrose on Nov 1, 2017 15:45:18 GMT -5
This is so true for me as well.
I found out later that he rejected his ex-wife for sex and just for family time in general. Instead he'd hang out with this guy for religious studies.
He hates dancing - he hated women dancing as a kid, unless its his cousins twerking in his face, and who knows who else.
Many other things, not necessarily sexual, he's hidden from me too.
Overall, he's incredibly secretive.
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Post by takestwototango on Nov 2, 2017 11:58:27 GMT -5
This is so true for me as well. I found out later that he rejected his ex-wife for sex and just for family time in general. Instead he'd hang out with this guy for religious studies. He hates dancing - he hated women dancing as a kid, unless its his cousins twerking in his face, and who knows who else. Many other things, not necessarily sexual, he's hidden from me too. Overall, he's incredibly secretive. Yes, my husband is very secretive, too. He hates talking about his past relationships, especially when the conversation turns to sex, but he had to know everything about my sexual relationships!! He always "conveniently," forgets, which infuriates me, because I know he is lying. When I can get him to talk about anything from the past he changes his story and forgets that he told me something else before, then tries to get me to think I'm crazy or don't remember correctly, lol.
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Post by darktippedrose on Nov 2, 2017 12:33:52 GMT -5
yes, takestwototango - my husband doesn't remember me ever braiding his hair.
if it doesn't fall in line with HiSStory, then its just in my head. I'm not being myself. I'm being influenced. blah blah blah. But mostly its all in my head.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2017 20:38:14 GMT -5
Do we choose to be who we are? Did wife misrepresent herself when we met? Sexually, no, she was a decent lay. Pretty much a typical girl that way.
I will never understand why she did some things but I know it was not planned.
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