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Post by northstarmom on Oct 18, 2017 6:39:51 GMT -5
H, I am sure she set things up so she could avoid sex while casting you as the refuser.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 18, 2017 7:11:50 GMT -5
I have refused a few times lately. The W avoided touching me all day and then expected me to be in the mood. I've decided to honor my feelings and if I don't feel loved or in the mood, I'm no longer forcing it.
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Post by tirefire on Oct 18, 2017 16:32:42 GMT -5
Hello, workingonit. Welcome. As you are new here we are still learning your story. I am not sure yet if I know what type of refuser your husband might be. There are the ones who offer reset sex to shut you up. Then there are the ones who offer it up to keep you from leaving or doing something else drastic. Then there are the ones who have such a low libido that when it is offered up every few months or so it seems like reset sex when really it just happens to be when they are actually in the mood. It is a large continuum so there are plenty of variants I am sure you have found the term "counter-refuser"? Some of us have been driven to this, not in retaliation, but because we don't want to be manipulated anymore. I have not quite let myself get to this stage yet, but the last several times have not been enjoyable. I have, instead, chosen to disengage. I have not asked for sex myself for about 15 months or so. In that time we have had sex 4 times, all at her request, and usually after she realized how long it had been since the last time. I consider it reset sex because I do not believe she actually likes having sex. "Then there are the ones who have such a low libido that when it is offered up every few months or so it seems like reset sex when really it just happens to be when they are actually in the mood." Does that happen? In my case the W seems interested every several months but it always seems to line up with Valentine's day or anniversary, something like that. Never March 14 holiday though. 😁
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 19, 2017 12:27:21 GMT -5
So, do you take reset sex knowing that is exactly what it is? Is it worth it? It feels like at least I will know I have done everything I can.....A last attempt. Do you have sex with someone who you know doesn't want to have sex with you?
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2017 13:32:03 GMT -5
My H has refused therapy for years. This summer when I started talking about separating he agreed to a date night. Every Sunday we sit together for 2 hours and talk only about our relationship. Of course all of this comes from me and he is mostly listening/reacting. He never brings anything to the discussion, never works on stuff on his own. Last night I talked about my ideal sexual relationship and where ours went off the rails (week 1). He was receptive and actually said "That is exactly my ideal." And then he got THAT look and said "You know whatever problems we have me desiring you has never been a problem. Of course I want you." Really? WTF? How in the WORLD would I know that??? I was really mad actually. 8 years of nothing and this is what he says?? He makes no effort to fix anything? Even now he is only responding to MY growth. To MY pushing and pushing. Interestingly when that look came on his face and he told me he wanted me my stomach turned a little. Not in a good way. He wants to try to save this hell hole with that weak ass stab at a move? I saw so clearly this heading toward reset sex. (Maybe one day- I mean he STILL did not make a move - he actually said "Maybe soon we could do something sexual." Aaaaaaahhh!!!!) So, do you take reset sex knowing that is exactly what it is? Is it worth it? It feels like at least I will know I have done everything I can.....A last attempt. Firstly, when you have your discussion each Sunday, have you raised the fact that one of your problems is that he brings nothing to the table? That is a very prudent point to raise as it would bother anyone when they feel that their partner is not making any effort. As for reset sex, I’m no expert. In the worst years of my marriage my W and I would have sex once every 6 weeks. Now I have deduced from the general talk on this forum that ‘reset sex’ is when your partner gives in and puts out to shut you the hell up. My W was/is a very different animal and ‘she’ would want to fuck my brains out after a 5,6 or 7 week drought. So therefore I’m not sure my situation actually counts there. If it was the first example though where she just seemed to do it just to shut me up, I would not have gone along with that for very long at all. I’m better than that and no doubt you are too! You situation sure as hell "counts". The problem most of us have to a greater or lesser degree is that of mismatched libidos. Your wife sounds like a sexual camel. A few sips and she is content to wander the desert for several weeks. Mine was content wander the desert for years, and would only yield when I forced the issue. I'd get reset and she'd head back to Tatooine. To me the most fucked up part (pun intended) about marriage is that people just assume their new spouse has the same libido, or if they don't, things will just "work out". This forum is proof that this is decidedly not the case.
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Post by h on Oct 19, 2017 13:41:27 GMT -5
Firstly, when you have your discussion each Sunday, have you raised the fact that one of your problems is that he brings nothing to the table? That is a very prudent point to raise as it would bother anyone when they feel that their partner is not making any effort. As for reset sex, I’m no expert. In the worst years of my marriage my W and I would have sex once every 6 weeks. Now I have deduced from the general talk on this forum that ‘reset sex’ is when your partner gives in and puts out to shut you the hell up. My W was/is a very different animal and ‘she’ would want to fuck my brains out after a 5,6 or 7 week drought. So therefore I’m not sure my situation actually counts there. If it was the first example though where she just seemed to do it just to shut me up, I would not have gone along with that for very long at all. I’m better than that and no doubt you are too! You situation sure as hell "counts". The problem most of us have to a greater or lesser degree is that of mismatched libidos. Your wife sounds like a sexual camel. A few sips and she is content to wander the desert for several weeks. Mine was content wander the desert for years, and would only yield when I forced the issue. I'd get reset and she'd head back to Tatooine. To me the most fucked up part (pun intended) about marriage is that people just assume their new spouse has the same libido, or if they don't, things will just "work out". This forum is proof that this is decidedly not the case. It's certainly a faulty assumption that I fell prey to.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 19, 2017 14:07:42 GMT -5
Hello, workingonit . Welcome. As you are new here we are still learning your story. I am not sure yet if I know what type of refuser your husband might be. There are the ones who offer reset sex to shut you up. Then there are the ones who offer it up to keep you from leaving or doing something else drastic. Then there are the ones who have such a low libido that when it is offered up every few months or so it seems like reset sex when really it just happens to be when they are actually in the mood. It is a large continuum so there are plenty of variants I am sure you have found the term "counter-refuser"? Some of us have been driven to this, not in retaliation, but because we don't want to be manipulated anymore. I have not quite let myself get to this stage yet, but the last several times have not been enjoyable. I have, instead, chosen to disengage. I have not asked for sex myself for about 15 months or so. In that time we have had sex 4 times, all at her request, and usually after she realized how long it had been since the last time. I consider it reset sex because I do not believe she actually likes having sex. When our 19th anniversary came, I dreaded it because I thought my wife would reset me. It had been 2 years previous since we'd had sex before that, and that was reset sex (I think that reset period was about a year). I got away with a terse "happy anniversary", and my fears were for naught...she had no more interest in sex on our 19th anniversary than she had for the previous two years (and not much then either). My divorce finalized the morning of our 20th anniversary (on July 12 of this year). So I never "counter refused" but was completely prepared to do so. I guess our marriage was so far gone I wasn't even worth resetting.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 19, 2017 17:52:54 GMT -5
Hello, workingonit . Welcome. As you are new here we are still learning your story. I am not sure yet if I know what type of refuser your husband might be. There are the ones who offer reset sex to shut you up. Then there are the ones who offer it up to keep you from leaving or doing something else drastic. Then there are the ones who have such a low libido that when it is offered up every few months or so it seems like reset sex when really it just happens to be when they are actually in the mood. It is a large continuum so there are plenty of variants I am sure you have found the term "counter-refuser"? Some of us have been driven to this, not in retaliation, but because we don't want to be manipulated anymore. I have not quite let myself get to this stage yet, but the last several times have not been enjoyable. I have, instead, chosen to disengage. I have not asked for sex myself for about 15 months or so. In that time we have had sex 4 times, all at her request, and usually after she realized how long it had been since the last time. I consider it reset sex because I do not believe she actually likes having sex. When our 19th anniversary came, I dreaded it because I thought my wife would reset me. It had been 2 years previous since we'd had sex before that, and that was reset sex (I think that reset period was about a year). I got away with a terse "happy anniversary", and my fears were for naught...she had no more interest in sex on our 19th anniversary than she had for the previous two years (and not much then either). My divorce finalized the morning of our 20th anniversary (on July 12 of this year). So I never "counter refused" but was completely prepared to do so. I guess our marriage was so far gone I wasn't even worth resetting. First off congratulations, and second don't be so hard on yourself. I'm actually pretty excited for when I get to where you're at. You can set the pace and have those conversation before committing. Exciting, her loss.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 19, 2017 18:10:27 GMT -5
My H has refused therapy for years. This summer when I started talking about separating he agreed to a date night. Every Sunday we sit together for 2 hours and talk only about our relationship. Of course all of this comes from me and he is mostly listening/reacting. He never brings anything to the discussion, never works on stuff on his own. Last night I talked about my ideal sexual relationship and where ours went off the rails (week 1). He was receptive and actually said "That is exactly my ideal." And then he got THAT look and said "You know whatever problems we have me desiring you has never been a problem. Of course I want you." Really? WTF? How in the WORLD would I know that??? I was really mad actually. 8 years of nothing and this is what he says?? He makes no effort to fix anything? Even now he is only responding to MY growth. To MY pushing and pushing. Interestingly when that look came on his face and he told me he wanted me my stomach turned a little. Not in a good way. He wants to try to save this hell hole with that weak ass stab at a move? I saw so clearly this heading toward reset sex. (Maybe one day- I mean he STILL did not make a move - he actually said "Maybe soon we could do something sexual." Aaaaaaahhh!!!!) So, do you take reset sex knowing that is exactly what it is? Is it worth it? It feels like at least I will know I have done everything I can.....A last attempt. Firstly, when you have your discussion each Sunday, have you raised the fact that one of your problems is that he brings nothing to the table? That is a very prudent point to raise as it would bother anyone when they feel that their partner is not making any effort. As for reset sex, I’m no expert. In the worst years of my marriage my W and I would have sex once every 6 weeks. Now I have deduced from the general talk on this forum that ‘reset sex’ is when your partner gives in and puts out to shut you the hell up. My W was/is a very different animal and ‘she’ would want to fuck my brains out after a 5,6 or 7 week drought. So therefore I’m not sure my situation actually counts there. If it was the first example though where she just seemed to do it just to shut me up, I would not have gone along with that for very long at all. I’m better than that and no doubt you are too! If I recall correctly, beachguy posted some very helpful in-depth information on here about asexuality, and grey-sexuality. I remember grey-sexuality being someone who has sex when needed,like procreating, they enjoy it, it's fulfilling for them sexually, but it's not an act of intimacy and connection for them. my STBX falls into that category, yours may as well.
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 20, 2017 14:16:57 GMT -5
Firstly, when you have your discussion each Sunday, have you raised the fact that one of your problems is that he brings nothing to the table? That is a very prudent point to raise as it would bother anyone when they feel that their partner is not making any effort. As for reset sex, I’m no expert. In the worst years of my marriage my W and I would have sex once every 6 weeks. Now I have deduced from the general talk on this forum that ‘reset sex’ is when your partner gives in and puts out to shut you the hell up. My W was/is a very different animal and ‘she’ would want to fuck my brains out after a 5,6 or 7 week drought. So therefore I’m not sure my situation actually counts there. If it was the first example though where she just seemed to do it just to shut me up, I would not have gone along with that for very long at all. I’m better than that and no doubt you are too! If I recall correctly, beachguy posted some very helpful in-depth information on here about asexuality, and grey-sexuality. I remember grey-sexuality being someone who has sex when needed,like procreating, they enjoy it, it's fulfilling for them sexually, but it's not an act of intimacy and connection for them. my STBX falls into that category, yours may as well. I’ve been through the asexual forum ‘Aven’. I must have been through it 100 times and the common denominator amongst all of them is that they are not attracted to anyone. They simply can’t achieve any level of sexual attraction. That’s where I started doubting the likelihood of my W being asexual. Prior to her being romantically involved with her I spent 2 years as her friend and work colleague. There were several conversations that involved is and other work colleagues talking about who we fancied, why we fancied them and so and so forth. It therefore doesn’t fit unless....she is an amazing actress and liar. Possible but doubtful in my opinion.
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Post by sodone1492 on Nov 5, 2017 23:07:01 GMT -5
Believe me...after you've had reset sex with him a few times, you won't be able to stand the sight of him. Blech. It's the worst.
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