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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2017 16:41:00 GMT -5
I've reached this bizarre point in my SM that once a week would be fantastic/unheard of. It's kind of sad, now that I think about it, but it's hard to imagine being emotionally intimate enough with someone to share the experiences you are all writing about. The scar tissue is just too thick at this point. Damn.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 1, 2017 19:16:09 GMT -5
I've reached this bizarre point in my SM that once a week would be fantastic/unheard of. It's kind of sad, now that I think about it, but it's hard to imagine being emotionally intimate enough with someone to share the experiences you are all writing about. The scar tissue is just too thick at this point. Damn. I hate to "like" this one. Sorry brother.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Nov 1, 2017 20:24:18 GMT -5
It's good though man, it sucks right now, but when you eventually move on you can set those boundaries. I know for me when I finally move on, and start again, deal breakers are going to be frequency. As far as your current partner, I mean shit, if you are still in pursuit of her than you're wasting your time, I personally have came in the conclusion that my partner is happy without sex, so why continue to cause friction. There has been an obvious disconnect with marriage and sex, why continue to torture yourself. Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result is the definition of insanity.
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Post by Caris on Nov 1, 2017 21:32:59 GMT -5
My needs have changed since I went through menopause, but before that, I needed/desired sex every day, maybe twice a day. Of course, I didn’t get any, so I was one frustrated lady, which was torture to me because for me, sex is emotional as well as physical, so I felt bereft physically and emotionally.
As I am still celibate after 2.5-years post SM, it’s hard to say what would be “normal” for me. I can now go a couple of weeks without thinking about sex, but I also keep myself emotionally “closed off,” regarding men, so who knows what my needs may be if someone special came along, and revived this “dead horse.” I think normal depends on individual needs and desires.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 2, 2017 0:14:02 GMT -5
I haven't had sex since I was 29. I'm currently 33. and the last time, I wasn't allowed to have an orgasm. He'd go through these times when he decided that its time for man only attention. And sometimes he decided that the female orgasm wasn't necessary for marital sex. In the beginning we had sex 3-4 x a week, I think. And after only a couple of years of that, he complained about it. He couldn't study like he wanted to (religious studies) and so forth. After he left for 5 months, when he came back we only had sex once a week. it was quite painful. I thought I was dying then. hahahaha then it was once every 2 weeks, 3 weeks, then once every 3-5 months. and then nothing. one year passed, two, three, four and now working on year 5. I completely feel sorry for you Sister darktippedrose. No person in their prime should ever have to endure years of sexlessness. Hope you are well on all other fronts.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 2, 2017 0:23:06 GMT -5
Normal is what both partners are happy with. If both are mutually happy with 3 times a week that's normal. Same if it is once every 3 months again normal if both are mutually happy with the arrangement. However if one partner is not satisfied with the arrangement that's not normal.
For what its worth when i was engaged and newly married sex was on tap basically anytime no refusals. 14 years later how times have changed.
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truly
New Member
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Post by truly on Nov 2, 2017 2:52:36 GMT -5
Two years into our marriage (7.5 years ago), I remember our sex therapist asking us each (separately), what our ideal frequency would be. She said that usually couples are surprised that their desired frequency is closer than they would expect. At the time, I think I said 2-3 times a week, and he said 1-2 times a week. That gave me hope at the time, that we could find a good rhythm in our lives! But - here I am on this forum, we never found that rhythm, and I can only remember seeing numbers like this in my marriage as occasional flukes!
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 2, 2017 6:35:59 GMT -5
Two years into our marriage (7.5 years ago), I remember our sex therapist asking us each (separately), what our ideal frequency would be. She said that usually couples are surprised that their desired frequency is closer than they would expect. At the time, I think I said 2-3 times a week, and he said 1-2 times a week. That gave me hope at the time, that we could find a good rhythm in our lives! But - here I am on this forum, we never found that rhythm, and I can only remember seeing numbers like this in my marriage as occasional flukes! I would have laughed when the therapist said that, mine is every day to multiple times a day. The W claimed 2-3 times a week.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Nov 2, 2017 8:16:30 GMT -5
It's on the person too, I refuse to go to any type of counseling with my Wife, because she's been going to therapist and psychologist for most of her life, and I just get picked apart in there. Your partner can go in there and say whatever they need to say, 1-2 times a week to 20 times a week, but when they leave that office, will they act on it. I find that counseling and therapy is only good for two mutually involved people, if one person is there checking the block or has an agenda it's pointless. Last time I went to counseling I was told what a shitty person I was, and how I needed to do all this stuff to make it better, the funny thing is, the therapist never once asked me a question, 4 visits, not one question, just poor wiffey and how I'm such a bad person.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 2, 2017 9:37:59 GMT -5
For many in a sm individual counseling is what leads to change: changes in oneself so one does what’s necessary to lead a happier life. For many, individual counseling gives the support and clarity to leave the hopelessly sexless marriage.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 2, 2017 9:56:17 GMT -5
It's like the incidence of diabetes or similar. In my jurisdiction, the authorities reckon the rate is 5% of the population. My point is that if you have it, then for you the rate is 100%. Just like ILIASM shitholes. If you are in one, then the rate for you is 100%. Lots of people come on here wondering if there is some indicative index or something to "prove" that they are (or are not) in an ILIASM shithole. I think that if your circumstances are such that you have been moved to start googling "sexless marriage", then that - all by itself - is a pretty good indicator that you are indeed in an ILIASM shithole. Yes, and once you "google" it and then get out of it, you don't want to find yourself THERE again. So I do look at the damn numbers, but as time goes on, I am trying to remember the "numbers" don't matter. All that matters is first and foremost - honesty -- with myself and with my husband and vice versa. No "settling" - no saying it's "fine" if it isn't. KNOWING thyself (what do I need) and then being OPEN AND HONEST AND DIRECT with my partner. (and vice versa) If a couple is happy once a month, they are happy. The numbers that say "three times a week is normal" doesn't mean anything to that couple and may have them thinking they have an issue when they really don't. But, one has to genuinely know him or herself. Sometimes it's way too easy to lie to ourselves for self-preservation/keeping sane. So for us, we actually had a discussion last weekend on our "number" and we are compatible. So what others are doing, I don't care. The actual act of sex for us, we are happy 2 times a week (if we have exciting things planned we will sometimes go 3-4), but we both NEED touch, kissing (real kissing) and playful flirtations (touching where no one else is allowed to touch) everyday. We both give that to each other. PDAs are huge in our world, too - it's exciting for us. It has to be an actual discussion with each party actually considering themselves and their true wants/needs.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 2, 2017 10:01:42 GMT -5
I've reached this bizarre point in my SM that once a week would be fantastic/unheard of. It's kind of sad, now that I think about it, but it's hard to imagine being emotionally intimate enough with someone to share the experiences you are all writing about. The scar tissue is just too thick at this point. Damn. Been there. It hurts. I am sorry. There was a time the thought of sex almost embarrassed me because of the intimacy involved. The first time I was with a man other than my ex, I did cry - especially when he kissed the back of my damn wrist so softly afterwards. I am sorry you are experiencing this right now, it's so unfortunate so many of us ended up on this path. Wishing you a way out/up/through.........
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2017 10:09:39 GMT -5
It's like the incidence of diabetes or similar. In my jurisdiction, the authorities reckon the rate is 5% of the population. My point is that if you have it, then for you the rate is 100%. Just like ILIASM shitholes. If you are in one, then the rate for you is 100%. Lots of people come on here wondering if there is some indicative index or something to "prove" that they are (or are not) in an ILIASM shithole. I think that if your circumstances are such that you have been moved to start googling "sexless marriage", then that - all by itself - is a pretty good indicator that you are indeed in an ILIASM shithole. Yes, and once you "google" it and then get out of it, you don't want to find yourself THERE again. So I do look at the damn numbers, but as time goes on, I am trying to remember the "numbers" don't matter. All that matters is first and foremost - honesty -- with myself and with my husband and vice versa. No "settling" - no saying it's "fine" if it isn't. KNOWING thyself (what do I need) and then being OPEN AND HONEST AND DIRECT with my partner. (and vice versa) If a couple is happy once a month, they are happy. The numbers that say "three times a week is normal" doesn't mean anything to that couple and may have them thinking they have an issue when they really don't. But, one has to genuinely know him or herself. Sometimes it's way too easy to lie to ourselves for self-preservation/keeping sane. So for us, we actually had a discussion last weekend on our "number" and we are compatible. So what others are doing, I don't care. The actual act of sex for us, we are happy 2 times a week (if we have exciting things planned we will sometimes go 3-4), but we both NEED touch, kissing (real kissing) and playful flirtations (touching where no one else is allowed to touch) everyday. We both give that to each other. PDAs are huge in our world, too - it's exciting for us. It has to be an actual discussion with each party actually considering themselves and their true wants/needs. I like this... a lot! I plan on using this philosophy more and more after the divorce. looking back I think about the things I was honest and open about. life changing events. Finances, giving up work to raise kids, homeschool, grandpa living with us. The manipulation, the twisting of words , the DARVO that i accepted, and gave in to. All to "save the marriage, and keep the peace". With that much extra baggage, and a track record of being so rejected, I now have a better understanding of why asking for sex and intimacy became harder and harder. Why I gave up. A strong part of this divorce is me saying, " no settling"- no saying "it's fine" if it isn't. I look forward to that carrying over into other relationships and parenting in the years ahead.
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Post by takestwototango on Nov 2, 2017 12:30:49 GMT -5
My needs have changed since I went through menopause, but before that, I needed/desired sex every day, maybe twice a day. Of course, I didn’t get any, so I was one frustrated lady, which was torture to me because for me, sex is emotional as well as physical, so I felt bereft physically and emotionally. As I am still celibate after 2.5-years post SM, it’s hard to say what would be “normal” for me. I can now go a couple of weeks without thinking about sex, but I also keep myself emotionally “closed off,” regarding men, so who knows what my needs may be if someone special came along, and revived this “dead horse.” I think normal depends on individual needs and desires. This is me - I could have sex once a day, if not more, but I'm lucky to get it every two weeks, if that. We've been as long as 3 months and I was a total bitch during that time, I admit. It was a miserable time for me, not getting any affection, let alone sex. I honestly thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown for a while there. I was hoping I was close to menopause, so the desire would wane, but my doctor just told me I'm not even close .
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2017 14:15:51 GMT -5
I've reached this bizarre point in my SM that once a week would be fantastic/unheard of. It's kind of sad, now that I think about it, but it's hard to imagine being emotionally intimate enough with someone to share the experiences you are all writing about. The scar tissue is just too thick at this point. Damn. I hate to "like" this one. Sorry brother. There's an apt phrase here in the upper Midwest. "It is what it is." Yup.
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