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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 11, 2017 9:35:53 GMT -5
I aired out everything to him. Told him im falling into depression because of the lack of intimacy. I didnt hold back, told him that cheating crosses my mind and i hate that being backed into this corner is making me think about compromising my moral integrity. Told him i loved him, and while i do want sex i dont want it under duress... i gave him six months, told him i expected him to at least try to initiate twice a month and if not theb on april 9th i was filing for divorce. He seemed to care, he seemed genuinely scared and concerned... honestly said a lot of the right things... but who knows. Im scared to feel hopeful because im tired of the heartbreak, yet somehow.... there is a glimmer.
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Post by ijustcantgetenough on Oct 11, 2017 9:43:57 GMT -5
well done, it takes some guts and self control to say it straight but not agressive. 6 months is plenty of time. If it does not go better by then, it will not after. commit yourself mentally to get out of if nothing better. Hope it goes well for you though, good luck.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 9:50:57 GMT -5
Good for you having that talk. I know it's not easy but it puts the ball in his court to get himself right and do right by you. You were very fair. In the mean time get educated and save money in case he doesn't do his part.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 9:57:29 GMT -5
Congrats on having the guts to talk to him. If you haven't yet, it will be important to talk to a lawyer and find out your rights and the correct procedures in case of divorce.
If as is the case with some here, he ends up initiating, but sex is basically his resentfully poking it in and coming while you get no foreplay, affection or sexual satisfaction, . would that be enough for you to stay with him?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 11:15:01 GMT -5
I aired out everything to him. Told him im falling into depression because of the lack of intimacy. I didnt hold back, told him that cheating crosses my mind and i hate that being backed into this corner is making me think about compromising my moral integrity. Told him i loved him, and while i do want sex i dont want it under duress... i gave him six months, told him i expected him to at least try to initiate twice a month and if not theb on april 9th i was filing for divorce. He seemed to care, he seemed genuinely scared and concerned... honestly said a lot of the right things... but who knows. Im scared to feel hopeful because im tired of the heartbreak, yet somehow.... there is a glimmer. This was an excellent way to handle your situation. Now the ball is in his court. You have given him a clear goal to achieve, and told him what would happen if he doesn't achieve it. Congratulations! You have taken an excellent step to improve your situation! I wish I had done that back in 1988!
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Post by pheonix25 on Oct 11, 2017 12:17:51 GMT -5
Thank you all for the words of encouragement... i honestly dont know where this all came from because divorce isnt something i considered before... but having the support of this group and reading everybody's story really shined a different light on things. I deserve to be happy.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 11, 2017 12:27:57 GMT -5
Well done! As others suggested, might be time for some lawyer shopping while time is on your side. If anything, understand the process and the law in your jurisdiction.
Saving money and working on yourself (mind, body, spirit) is also conducive.
Good vibes being sent your way!
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 11, 2017 12:33:58 GMT -5
Did you define what sex is to you? Is it just him bending you over the bed and thrusting until her cums?
What in sex is needed for you to feel loved, and forefilled from it?
If you don't let him know what your definition is, then he can do what ever he wants and he has and will think he forefilled your requirements.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 14:15:12 GMT -5
Did you define what sex is to you? Is it just him bending you over the bed and thrusting until her cums? What in sex is needed for you to feel loved, and forefilled from it? If you don't let him know what your definition is, then he can do what ever he wants and he has and will think he forefilled your requirements. Great point!! Refusers need to hear specifics for the benefit of the refused. Clear communication is so important with avoidant spouses.
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Post by csl on Oct 11, 2017 15:15:19 GMT -5
I aired out everything to him. Told him im falling into depression because of the lack of intimacy. I didnt hold back, told him that cheating crosses my mind and i hate that being backed into this corner is making me think about compromising my moral integrity. Told him i loved him, and while i do want sex i dont want it under duress... i gave him six months, told him i expected him to at least try to initiate twice a month and if not theb on april 9th i was filing for divorce. He seemed to care, he seemed genuinely scared and concerned... honestly said a lot of the right things... but who knows. Im scared to feel hopeful because im tired of the heartbreak, yet somehow.... there is a glimmer. This was an excellent way to handle your situation. Now the ball is in his court. You have given him a clear goal to achieve, and told him what would happen if he doesn't achieve it. Congratulations! You have taken an excellent step to improve your situation! I wish I had done that back in 1988! Hi, Phoenix, I'm going to partially agree with Flash John here. Yes, you've taken an excellent first step to improve your situation, but I see it as an incomplete first step. FJ is correct in saying that you've given him a clear goal to achieve, but it would be nice if you didn't just dump the whole thing onto him and say, "Solve it!" We're told that when you set a goal, you need to also create doable action steps that help you reach the goal, and I don't see that. Please read my blog post Refused? A New Tool #2. You've already used a calendar in the way I say to, having put him on the clock. But read the post and see if scheduling is something that can be added to help the dude. By getting him to agree to something on this line, both you and he can see how seriously he is taking your ultimatum.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 11, 2017 16:32:25 GMT -5
pheonix25, congratulations on your straightfoward approach. Several responders have advised you to see a lawyer. I am also advocating this approach but not just so you be prepared if he does not change his ways. I think you need to protect yourself in case he uses the next 6 months to setup for a divorce. You could be left holding the short end of the stick. Get legal advise and follow it NOW.
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Post by tirefire on Oct 11, 2017 19:41:18 GMT -5
"I deserve to be happy." Yes, you do. Great attitude!
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2017 22:32:45 GMT -5
You have given him until April 2018.
Now, you MUST be prepared to deliver - or all you'll do is shred your cred.
Lawyer. Exit strategy. Support network. Advice on the kids (if any) transition through such an event.
Best time to get these things sorted out is BEFORE you issue any ultimatums' but given that that is not how this went down, then TODAY is a good time to start your preparations.
You've made a good positive start here, now, you have to consolidate, and get your ducks lined up.
And, it is perfectly fine to hope that you don't have to deliver on your ultimatum in the meantime.
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Post by wom360 on Oct 11, 2017 23:39:41 GMT -5
Now the ball is NOT in his court. Remember actions are all that matter. Words mean nothing. Do whatever it takes so you can deliver on your statement. Actions. Get s lawyer. Ask your questions. Have papers drawn up. Do not keep any of this a secret. He needs to see your actions to believe you. Change your Facebook relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 12, 2017 5:44:57 GMT -5
Good for you girl......I assume you and your H are both young. He should be tugging your pants down more on the order of twice a week. You haven't mentioned if he has had his testosterone checked. If not it's possible it could be on the low side and that would definitely dampen his libido, leading to a lack of desire. If his testosterone is OK then there is probably something else going on. There are a # of hormonal conditions that could result in low desire. Could be physical, could be mental. Either way it needs to be addressed. Start with a complete physical. I agree with bballgirl and others that you need to made your expectations clear to him as to what constitutes the type of intimacy you seek in the relationship. It's sort of like a job description. If things aren't clearly spelled out then it's more likely for miscommunication to come about. I don't want to be a party pooper but you should know. Often following one party dropping a bomb there is an extended period of renewed effort at intimacy on the part of the other party. Usually this lasts on the order of 2 or 3 months but can go as long as 6. Then things slowly (or in my case rapidly) return to the old dysfunctional dynamic. I hope this doesn't happen for you. But that is why you are advised to go ahead and start putting together an escape plan. Start marshalling your resources just in case. Like for a weather disaster. With luck you will not need to put the plan into effect, but you definitely want to have that plan at the ready should you need it. Good luck...
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