|
Post by h on Oct 16, 2017 13:51:01 GMT -5
The plus of what happened is that obviously, your wife's friend views you as attractive enough and worthy enough to have sex with. If she thought you were repulsive or of bad character, she wouldnt be encouraging your wife to fuck you. If you are like some of the refused and have been wondering about your attractiveness, your wife's friend's words are reassurance that you are fuckable. The minus of her words is that while she may view you as fuckable, your wife does not. Neither you nor the friend can make your wife sexually desire you. Your wife also can't do that. You may be able to pressure your wife into gritting her teeth and submitting to sexual. You may get resentful starfish sex but not mutually passionate, enjoyable sex. If you want pleasurable sex with a woman who enjoys fucking you, you will need to get it from someone who is not your present wife. I have thought about your plus side comment for a while but didn't quite know how to respond. W's friend didn't make the statements she did because of her opinion on my attractiveness. Her statement was more in line with the fact that my wife married me and shouldn't be depriving me of what she promised in her vows. She knows that sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage. I doubt she is attracted to me at all but she knows that my W and I are married and that I don't deserve what my W is doing (or not doing) to me. The minus you mentioned is still valid though.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 16, 2017 14:23:53 GMT -5
Ifyurcwife's friend had thought you had bad hygiene, an addiction or something else that would justify your wife's behavior, she probably would have spoken up since her loyalty would be to your wife. The tendency of friends is to look for reasons to justify their friend's bad behavior.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 14:33:58 GMT -5
I’d bet money she’s hitting on you. Or wants to.
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 16, 2017 15:05:33 GMT -5
I’d bet money she’s hitting on you. Or wants to. Negative. She's moderately religious and a regular church goer. Hitting on a married guy would be an absolute no go for her and her sleeping with a married guy isn't even conceivable.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Oct 16, 2017 16:24:22 GMT -5
I’d bet money she’s hitting on you. Or wants to. Negative. She's moderately religious and a regular church goer. Hitting on a married guy would be an absolute no go for her and her sleeping with a married guy isn't even conceivable. Oh if the church pews could talk. There are many a secrets they could tell.
|
|
|
Post by Frustrated1978 on Oct 16, 2017 22:40:12 GMT -5
What consequences have you imposed regarding your wifes foul behaviour?
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Oct 16, 2017 23:08:05 GMT -5
I’d bet money she’s hitting on you. Or wants to. Negative. She's moderately religious and a regular church goer. Hitting on a married guy would be an absolute no go for her and her sleeping with a married guy isn't even conceivable. I believe you should go easier on my new friend h, h. Lots of people here like him, respect him, and enjoy his company in this forum. He's fully likeable, and desirable to women, just not that particular woman that's in the center of the sexual maelstrom. I see in you a problem we share. Shame. Our wives think we suck, so it must be true, so we denigrate ourselves preemptively hoping that will dissuade others from thinking we suck. It is a defence, in my case anyway, that keeps me from going nuts.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Oct 16, 2017 23:10:57 GMT -5
Beverly Engel, "It's Not Your Fault"
Great read and for me very helpful.
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 17, 2017 3:49:04 GMT -5
Negative. She's moderately religious and a regular church goer. Hitting on a married guy would be an absolute no go for her and her sleeping with a married guy isn't even conceivable. I believe you should go easier on my new friend h, h. Lots of people here like him, respect him, and enjoy his company in this forum. He's fully likeable, and desirable to women, just not that particular woman that's in the center of the sexual maelstrom. I see in you a problem we share. Shame. Our wives think we suck, so it must be true, so we denigrate ourselves preemptively hoping that will dissuade others from thinking we suck. It is a defence, in my case anyway, that keeps me from going nuts. I'm a very realistic person. I analyze the facts in front of me and make decisions based on what is, not what I wish to be. I actually wasn't being critical of myself there. I was simply stating that my W's friend condemned her actions towards me on the grounds of what is expected in a marriage, not based on my level of attractiveness. I may or may not be attractive but that wasn't the issue at hand. I do know that I have been a good friend to my friends and always treated people with respect regardless of whether we like each other. I do the right thing the best I can. I'm a decent human being. I may very well be extremely physically attractive to some people but I'm not going to insert an assumption into a situation where the facts don't support it. None of my comments in this thread should be taken as derogatory to myself. I would like to think that I've grown past that since I joined this group.
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 17, 2017 3:51:35 GMT -5
Negative. She's moderately religious and a regular church goer. Hitting on a married guy would be an absolute no go for her and her sleeping with a married guy isn't even conceivable. Oh if the church pews could talk. There are many a secrets they could tell. There's a joke in there somewhere but I think it belongs in the dark humor thread...
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 17, 2017 3:59:35 GMT -5
What consequences have you imposed regarding your wifes foul behaviour? In the past, I withdrew nearly all physical contact from her. I told her that if she wants to cuddle on the couch, rest her hand on my leg, touch anything other than my hand, or kiss longer than a simple peck, then we needed to have a sex life. I told her that if she was going to limit our sex like she has been doing, then it was too hard for me to have the rest of the physical contact. I even stopped changing in front of her and left the room if she did. It worked for a while but didn't last. She tried for a few weeks but went back to her old self after that. I've been slowly withdrawing from physical contact again. Wondering how long until she notices again.
|
|
|
Post by M2G on Oct 17, 2017 5:16:49 GMT -5
I'm a very realistic person. I analyze the facts in front of me and make decisions based on what is, not what I wish to be. I actually wasn't being critical of myself there. I was simply stating that my W's friend condemned her actions towards me on the grounds of what is expected in a marriage, not based on my level of attractiveness. I may or may not be attractive but that wasn't the issue at hand. I do know that I have been a good friend to my friends and always treated people with respect regardless of whether we like each other. I do the right thing the best I can. I'm a decent human being. I may very well be extremely physically attractive to some people but I'm not going to insert an assumption into a situation where the facts don't support it. None of my comments in this thread should be taken as derogatory to myself. I would like to think that I've grown past that since I joined this group. Cool - and I didn't mean any disrespect at all. This is an issue I'm dealing with now, and it comes not only from my SM but also childhood - shame is a mind-killer. Cheers!
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 17, 2017 6:02:48 GMT -5
I'm a very realistic person. I analyze the facts in front of me and make decisions based on what is, not what I wish to be. I actually wasn't being critical of myself there. I was simply stating that my W's friend condemned her actions towards me on the grounds of what is expected in a marriage, not based on my level of attractiveness. I may or may not be attractive but that wasn't the issue at hand. I do know that I have been a good friend to my friends and always treated people with respect regardless of whether we like each other. I do the right thing the best I can. I'm a decent human being. I may very well be extremely physically attractive to some people but I'm not going to insert an assumption into a situation where the facts don't support it. None of my comments in this thread should be taken as derogatory to myself. I would like to think that I've grown past that since I joined this group. Cool - and I didn't mean any disrespect at all. This is an issue I'm dealing with now, and it comes not only from my SM but also childhood - shame is a mind-killer. Cheers! No disrespect was assumed, only misunderstanding. As I said, I deal with what is and try not to insert assumptions if I can help it. 😃
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 17, 2017 6:44:29 GMT -5
"the past, I withdrew nearly all physical contact from her. I told her that if she wants to cuddle on the couch, rest her hand on my leg, touch anything other than my hand, or kiss longer than a simple peck, then we needed to have a sex life. I told her that if she was going to limit our sex like she has been doing, then it was too hard for me to have the rest of the physical contact. I even stopped changing in front of her and left the room if she did. It worked for a while but didn't last. She tried for a few weeks but went back to her old self after that. I've been slowly withdrawing from physical contact again. Wondering how long until she notices again."
You can't manipulate someone who doesn't want to fuck you into wanting to fuck you. I thought moving out of the bedroom and stopping accepting my refuser's perfunctory hello and goodbye kisses would wake him up and he'd get sexually interested in me. I don't think he even noticed.
I don't have to beg, explain or manipulate post sm partner into fucking me or touching me or kissing me. He happily does those things because doing them makes him happy and is what he wants. I touch and fuck him because doing so brings me pleasure. Those actions aren't chores. Or done out of duty.
Once the refused allow themselves to accept that their partners are incapable of providing the kind of love the refused needs, and once the refused realize there are other options beside begging for crumbs then the refused can make choices based in what would make themselves most happy. For some it may be choosing to remain with their roommate while not expecting sex from their spouse. Others may choose to let go of the marriage. All would stop trying to change their spouse. That ain't happening.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Oct 17, 2017 10:15:58 GMT -5
Oh if the church pews could talk. There are many a secrets they could tell. There's a joke in there somewhere but I think it belongs in the dark humor thread... Actually I think there is a fact in that statement. I remember hearing that divorce among church going people in the USA is 50%, the same as the over all population of people in the USA. So...things among church crowds aren't that much better. Sounds like your W's friend was being just that. A true friend. Not afraid to speak the truth, even if it hurts the friendship. Kind of like marriage!!
|
|