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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2017 21:04:12 GMT -5
"I would have had to restrain myself from screaming, "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?" The problem is too many of the refused bite their tongue instead of speaking their own truth when the refused say in public thing suggesting there's lots of sex in the marriage. Biting your tongue tells refusers there is no sex problem in your marriage. You certainly have a valid point. The reason I did not call my refuser on her behavior for so many years was because I did not want to start a huge fight in front of my children. My refuser had no filter and would act as extreme as she wanted at any time. And the odds are 100% that she would have pulled a DARVO on you. Even on a good day, when you corner them , leave them speechless, outwit them prove them !00% wrong with facts, data, pictures and their own words....guess what? They might retreat for ....oh, a day.....maybe? Then they change subjects or start all over again with the same play book. The less you can respond to it,and it have no affect on your life, the better. Sadly (in the short run) this means separation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2017 21:20:09 GMT -5
"I would have had to restrain myself from screaming, "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?" The problem is too many of the refused bite their tongue instead of speaking their own truth when the refused say in public thing suggesting there's lots of sex in the marriage. Biting your tongue tells refusers there is no sex problem in your marriage. This brings to mind an old post of mine on here. I was in a small bible study group for couples. The subject of sexual intimacy was brought up. "i am not going to get all of this right, it's been so long"- It seemed like our group leader really wanted us to openly discuss the good and the bad. Everyone seemed very afraid to say anything. I already knew that my W and I where very close to the "end" stage, so I turned to my W and asked" Mind if I mention our lack of sex?" She said "go ahead, I don't care". Oddly enough she did seem to care. She was quiet pissed that I shared it and brought it up. Probably because I blew her cover of being Mrs. perfect-never my fault-wife. She didn't deny it, defend it, validate it, agree about, nothing!! Many of the ladies where very quiet about it, while the men where in agreement on it. Not that it did any damage.... damage to what? An already dead relationship? The interesting part was a few people on this sight, (no names mentioned) seemed very upset that I would even bring up such a thing in a church setting. To this day my opinion is "to each is own, and you had to be there,and know the people involved". It's refreshing to hear people talk about it more openly.
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Post by h on Oct 6, 2017 21:21:30 GMT -5
We all have our values, and the most important thing is that we are true to them. I traded in my old values for ones I value more. If I held onto my values from a year ago my tormentor would know the value of my life insurance policy. I just can't be that guy any more. And your choice is a perfectly valid one. It's just not for me. There may be a slim chance that this works out for me and she changes. I don't hold on to any hope for that but it is possible and an affair would ruin that for me for sure. If I decide that I can't resist a sexual relationship with someone else, I will end it with my W first. My choice is staying for the time being but I'm working on a fall back exit down the road if / when my time limit passes without change.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2017 21:26:18 GMT -5
We all have our values, and the most important thing is that we are true to them. I traded in my old values for ones I value more. If I held onto my values from a year ago my tormentor would know the value of my life insurance policy. I just can't be that guy any more. And your choice is a perfectly valid one. It's just not for me. There may be a slim chance that this works out for me and she changes. I don't hold on to any hope for that but it is possible and an affair would ruin that for me for sure. If I decide that I can't resist a sexual relationship with someone else, I will end it with my W first. My choice is staying for the time being but I'm working on a fall back exit down the road if / when my time limit passes without change. I understand and respect what your saying . Ponder this about your "time limit" If it happens one day sooner, or one day later than the time limit, does it matter? my point is that the time limit should remain flexible.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 6, 2017 22:06:31 GMT -5
As long as you have hope, you can keep going. This year I've been able to motivate my wife a bit, and I have figured out how to get my sexual performance up to the most demanding levels. I know what good sex is like. I also know that, even if my wife increased her frequency from three times a year to three hundred she still gets no - none - zero enjoyment out of it. Perhaps the reason she put out so seldomly was because she knew she could not fake it for long. My hope for a healthy sex life with her is dead. I hope your situation is not as extreme as mine and you can recover what you've lost.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2017 22:18:47 GMT -5
"As long as you have hope, you can keep going"
For most here, hope is a false friend that keeps them clinging to a relationship incapable of becoming what they hope it will be. Among the examples of this are the people whose spouses wouldn't have sex before marriage, wouldn't have sex on their wedding night, and then at best had sex only to conceive kids. It takes a lot of denial to fail to realize se that such a partner will never become a passionate willing lover for oneself. But many here keep holding into hope and roommate marriages.
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Post by M2G on Oct 6, 2017 23:47:24 GMT -5
"I was fuckin' fuming inside." You don't have to enable him. Instead of fuming inside you could take advantage of that opportunity to speak truth that he hadn't fucked you in --- His own public lie gave you that opening. When you sit in silence, he thinks everything is fine and he continues to be falsely viewed by others as a stud. Of course if you think it's to your advantage to be seen as part of a happy couple, keep biting your tongue while seething. Gender reversal there but the point is the same either way. I try to avoid confrontation though if I don't believe it will buy anything positive, and shaming someone in front of others I don't believe could bring any good to the situation. Just my way of doing things, right or wrong.
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Post by baza on Oct 6, 2017 23:58:08 GMT -5
Has this further show of support from this woman (added to your sister and other family support you have mentioned) changed your strategy or shortened your deadline at all Brother h ?
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Post by h on Oct 7, 2017 2:43:28 GMT -5
Has this further show of support from this woman (added to your sister and other family support you have mentioned) changed your strategy or shortened your deadline at all Brother h ? It hasn't changed my deadline. It has strengthened my resolve to follow through on my intent should my deadline pass uneventfully. I still only have a few cousins in the loop on my SM situation. Haven't been able to bring it up with my sister or parents yet. Sister will be last to know because she's incapable of keeping her mouth shut and I don't want her smearing my business all over Facebook in one of her attempts at being the center of attention.
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Post by h on Oct 7, 2017 3:01:19 GMT -5
And your choice is a perfectly valid one. It's just not for me. There may be a slim chance that this works out for me and she changes. I don't hold on to any hope for that but it is possible and an affair would ruin that for me for sure. If I decide that I can't resist a sexual relationship with someone else, I will end it with my W first. My choice is staying for the time being but I'm working on a fall back exit down the road if / when my time limit passes without change. I understand and respect what your saying . Ponder this about your "time limit" If it happens one day sooner, or one day later than the time limit, does it matter? my point is that the time limit should remain flexible. The time limit is flexible in that, I can extend it if I need to (if my preparations aren't ready yet) but can't be shortened by much. Her doctor said "up to a year" to be fully recovered and I am giving her that plus a couple of months to figure out how to make a sex life work if she wants to. It seems like I'm dragging it out, but the deadline is very close from a preparation standpoint. I'm saving money for legal fees which is difficult to do considering I have to do it secretly. All our accounts are joint so my only option is stashing cash in small enough amounts so as not to be noticed. At the current rate, I only have enough so far for a couple of hours of a lawyer's time.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2017 20:03:33 GMT -5
The plus of what happened is that obviously, your wife's friend views you as attractive enough and worthy enough to have sex with. If she thought you were repulsive or of bad character, she wouldnt be encouraging your wife to fuck you. If you are like some of the refused and have been wondering about your attractiveness, your wife's friend's words are reassurance that you are fuckable. The minus of her words is that while she may view you as fuckable, your wife does not. Neither you nor the friend can make your wife sexually desire you. Your wife also can't do that. You may be able to pressure your wife into gritting her teeth and submitting to sexual. You may get resentful starfish sex but not mutually passionate, enjoyable sex. If you want pleasurable sex with a woman who enjoys fucking you, you will need to get it from someone who is not your present wife. Damn, northstarmom you keep doling out the truth slaps to all of us! I know what you are saying is true but where I am it still feels more complicated than that. I think you are just at such a later, clearer stage that I am. Keep smacking me, though, I need to hear what you are saying again and again. As I am sure many of us here do.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2017 20:07:38 GMT -5
We all have our values, and the most important thing is that we are true to them. I traded in my old values for ones I value more. If I held onto my values from a year ago my tormentor would know the value of my life insurance policy. I just can't be that guy any more. And your choice is a perfectly valid one. It's just not for me. There may be a slim chance that this works out for me and she changes. I don't hold on to any hope for that but it is possible and an affair would ruin that for me for sure. If I decide that I can't resist a sexual relationship with someone else, I will end it with my W first. My choice is staying for the time being but I'm working on a fall back exit down the road if / when my time limit passes without change. h I am in a similar place. I am still waiting to see what will happen. I really don't think I could cheat. Although I certainly want to feel desire and desired again NOW..... I am just a strong believer that I will not like myself if I compromise that much. I will separate first. And likely tell him if I find someone I am tempted to be with before I actually am.
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Post by h on Oct 14, 2017 22:16:15 GMT -5
And your choice is a perfectly valid one. It's just not for me. There may be a slim chance that this works out for me and she changes. I don't hold on to any hope for that but it is possible and an affair would ruin that for me for sure. If I decide that I can't resist a sexual relationship with someone else, I will end it with my W first. My choice is staying for the time being but I'm working on a fall back exit down the road if / when my time limit passes without change. h I am in a similar place. I am still waiting to see what will happen. I really don't think I could cheat. Although I certainly want to feel desire and desired again NOW..... I am just a strong believer that I will not like myself if I compromise that much. I will separate first. And likely tell him if I find someone I am tempted to be with before I actually am. Sorry you can relate... Thanks for "getting it" though. I feel like the odd duck because so many people are outsourcing (here and in real life). It's depressing having to come here but I'm grateful that this place exists. Feels good to have some people to share stories with and talk to that understand what we are going through.
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Post by M2G on Oct 15, 2017 6:07:32 GMT -5
Sorry you can relate... Thanks for "getting it" though. I feel like the odd duck because so many people are outsourcing (here and in real life). It's depressing having to come here but I'm grateful that this place exists. Feels good to have some people to share stories with and talk to that understand what we are going through. No need to feel odd - we're all odd in our own ways. We're all on a similar path now, and we all converged here in this place from different directions. Your life-path choice (waiting for marriage) has worked wonders for millions of happy people - so anyone who tells you it was a bad choice is either mistaken or without empathy. Fuck 'em. They know not what they're talking about. Cheers!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2017 6:43:16 GMT -5
h I am in a similar place. I am still waiting to see what will happen. I really don't think I could cheat. Although I certainly want to feel desire and desired again NOW..... I am just a strong believer that I will not like myself if I compromise that much. I will separate first. And likely tell him if I find someone I am tempted to be with before I actually am. Sorry you can relate... Thanks for "getting it" though. I feel like the odd duck because so many people are outsourcing (here and in real life). It's depressing having to come here but I'm grateful that this place exists. Feels good to have some people to share stories with and talk to that understand what we are going through. Sorry we are all in this together! Funny, I have often wondered if I had been a virgin with my H if my expectations would be different. Like maybe if I had never had raw, passionate intimacy I would not know what was missing. But your story shows me that is just another loop in the why chasing roller coaster.
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