Post by awakeforthedance on Sept 7, 2017 9:37:43 GMT -5
I have been on both sides of the coin. I was the cheater. I have been cheated on.
I have a different viewpoint on it from bballgirl.
I also agree that it's sometimes NOT about the relationship, but about finding yourself:
“You think you had a relationship with Truck Man,” I tell her. “Actually, you had an intimate encounter with yourself, mediated by him. I don’t expect you to believe me right now, but you can terminate your relationship and keep some of what it gave you. You reconnected with an energy, a youthfulness. I know that it feels as if, in leaving him, you are severing a lifeline to all of that, but I want you to know that over time you will find that the otherness you crave also lives inside you.”
I often say to my patients that if they could bring into their marriage even one-tenth of the boldness, the playfulness, and the verve that they bring to their affair, their home life would feel quite different. Our creative imagination seems to be richer when it comes to our transgressions than to our commitments. Yet while I say this, I also think back to a poignant scene in the movie A Walk on the Moon. Diane Lane’s character has been having an affair with a free-spirited blouse salesman. Her teenage daughter asks, “You love [him] more than all of us?” “No,” the mother replies, but “sometimes it’s easier to be different with a different person.”
OH that is SO TRUE. I know my husband said he felt like an asshole with his ex and her family because that's the brush they used to paint him. When he got out of that relationship, he changed because those around him didn't see him that way. He is the same man with me, but I don't see him as an "asshole" for having an opinion, for talking out, for not agreeing to bullshit. As a result, he no longer feels the need to defend, fight. He is calm. Happy. I accept and love him for who he is and vice versa. His mom says he is a different man, but he isn't really -- it's just easier for him to be who he really is around those who actually accept him for who he is. Sometimes two people just suck together - the dynamics suck, the energy between them suck and they both are not their best selves. Add to that the role you put on another person to fulfill and they feel suffocated, stuck.
But for me, the bottom line is, lying in a relationship HURTS - HURTS BAD. It's easy to justify the lying in many cases (been there, done that) but that doesn't make it any less hurtful to the spouse being lied to. I think if you are lying to your partner you don't value them as a human being. AND you don't value YOURSELF. Value YOURSELF enough to be HONEST. It's hard - I am not saying it's easy, but it's worth it. I speak from experience on both sides of the coin. Truthfulness, light, transparency just feels better.
The revelation of an affair forces couples to grapple with unsettling questions: What does fidelity mean to us and why is it important? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can we learn to trust each other again? How do we negotiate the elusive balance between our emotional needs and our erotic desires? Does passion have a finite shelf life? And are there fulfillments that a marriage, even a happy one, can never provide?
For me, these conversations should be part and parcel of any adult, intimate relationship from the beginning. It’s far better to address these issues before a storm hits. Talking about what draws us outside our fences, in an atmosphere of trust, can actually foster intimacy and commitment. But for many couples, unfortunately, the crisis of an affair is the first time they talk about any of this. Priya and Colin will have to negotiate these questions while also dealing with the ravages of betrayal, dishonesty, and broken trust.
Good point above!!! My husband and I have really honest conversations about all those things. We continue to get to know each other at intimate levels. I wouldn't be as naive to say we are "affair proof" - but I trust him as a human being. He's much more loyal than I ever have been in my life and I see the value of that through him/with him. Loyalty and faithfulness is sexy to me now where before I didn't quite grasp the concept. It's hard to explain, but it's my current truth. People can change - I know I have because of this relationship (for the better).
Anyway, deep stuff, but if you find yourself in a LOVING, HEALTHY relationship, the thought of cheating or being cheated on should hurt - shouldn't it??? Would you really cheat on someone you value and love and want to build a life with?