Post by northstarmom on Jan 27, 2019 9:32:53 GMT -5
“He's too embarrassed to see a specialist, he says. He doesn't want to admit he's not a man and can't please his wife anymore, so would rather avoid it.
I was sympathetic towards his embarrassment about this at first but I told him that should feel incredibly minor compared to losing his wife. This is not an excuse for years of unhappiness. So he said he'd make the appointment.”
Thanks for taking the time to update us. What I’ve seen in real life and here is that men who love sex will do whatever it takes to have sex if they have performance issues or lose their drive. Embarrassment won’t stop them from getting help.
My post sm lover went to his doctor and got help when he noticed his sex drive had decreased and erections were iffy and he “didn’t feel like a man.” He wasn’t even in a sexual relationship then but want to be ready when one came along. His doctor prescribed t shots and cialis. when I came along, he was ready.
That you have had to push this issue means neither sex nor your needs are important to him. Based on stories here, he is not going to change. If he goes to the doctor, you will have to push him. If he gets medicine, he probably won’t use it.
You need to think about whether this is the life and marriage you want. He isn’t going to change.
I am so sorry you have found yourself here. Time to lay your cards on the table and give your husband a dose of reality. In my opinion he either has low T and is not seeking medical help OR he's addicted to porn, desensitized his brain and can't get off with a real woman or he's too lazy to want to. I reccomend to enlighten him to the fact that his rejection has taken its toll and you guys need to figure out a way to have meaningful, enthusiastic, intimate sex or divorce is going to be a consideration. Open honest communication is important and refusers tend to be avoidant and not allow that to happen.
Just seeing this thread now that there have been updates. bballgirl ... thank you for your comment. I needed to see that today. I'm convinced the "porn" "desensitized" and "too lazy" are factors in my current SM. The appointment to check the T levels has been set for next month. Once that's addressed all that's left is the notorious sex drive killer = porn.
Just sending an update. Wow, I can't believe it's been this long. I want to everyone to know that I read and really thought about everything you all had to say. Also want to share in case anyone is in the place I was in.
It turned from a fight to nothing at all. We had the tough conversations.
He's admitted to having zero drive ... Has admitted that "he's not used to being in a relationship this long being with only one person" ... being "bored" and then to hormones \ ED \ no drive. We've done this circle over and over since this post. Lots of fights. Lots of promises too though. The disappearing libido got worse.
It's officially been a year since I've had sex. It's now not just arguments and a once in a while pity F. It's gone.
We were out yesterday and a random guy was very openly hitting on me. This has happened a few times recently and it made him feel like he needed to address it, I guess. He was still avoiding my questions. I was still putting up with it.
He told me he hasn't been able to get hard or felt a desire at all, for any type of intimacy, for the past year. He planned tons of "romantic nights" to "keep me from being mad" (YAY!!) but would never follow through so it made me more frustrated.
He planned special occasions and at one point said we just needed to plan sex every week, promising every weekend. Nothing. He won't cuddle or really touch me at all and he said it's because he's too scared I'll try to take it further and he won't be able to perform. But you told me this was happening ... Sooo... Why lie? Again, to "keep me happy" ... OK.
He's too embarrassed to see a specialist, he says. He doesn't want to admit he's not a man and can't please his wife anymore, so would rather avoid it.
I was sympathetic towards his embarrassment about this at first but I told him that should feel incredibly minor compared to losing his wife. This is not an excuse for years of unhappiness. So he said he'd make the appointment.
Surprise surprise. Appointment was never made. Now he's waiting because there's another location opening up that's closer ... Like 4 weeks from now.
We'll see how this turns out but if I was a betting man ...
isthisforever I sympathize and relate ... I relate far more than I care to admit. I am still trying, too, though.
Post by worksforme2 on Jan 27, 2019 14:02:22 GMT -5
isthisforever...One day back when I was married I noticed the extent to which our sex life had deteriorated. I concluded perhaps it was because I was not initiating. I realized my libido had really dropped over the preceding year. So I immediately sought a consultation with my doctor about it. The tests revealed my testosterone had dropped to virtually zero. He immediately put me on weekly shots. It took over a month to raise my levels back to normal but my libido came roaring back at age 65. The jest of the story is that northstarmom is right. If intimacy /sex is important to a man he will do what ever is necessary to get himself back in the game. Pleasing my spouse was also high on my motivational list at the time. So when I began to have issues of not having a good "stiffie" I again saw my doctor and got some medication to address that problem. 5 minutes with my doctor, 15 minutes to make the trip to the pharmacy ='s 90 sex filled evenings. I'll make that trade all day long. I don't buy into the story about being too embarrassed to talk to his doctor. Too lazy, too much porn. There could be something to that. One last thought in the interest of fairness. There are other hormonal deficiencies besides testosterone that can kill a man's libido. He should undergo a battery of tests to make sure something else isn't going on that might be life threatening in the long run.
Presuppossing that this new clinic that's "opening in 4 weeks" proves to be as ephemeral as his other undertakings, what are you prepared to then do ?
It reads like the noose is tightening - on both of you. He is fast running out of excuses, and you are facing some hugely difficult choices of your own.
There's nothing you can do about the choices your spouse is making (or more to the point, NOT making) which is going to throw the onus squarely on you to make the necessary choices to bring this to resolution.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
saarinista: is anyone else watching March Madness?
Mar 24, 2019 11:44:48 GMT -5
worksforme2: doesn't much look like it...
Mar 27, 2019 12:20:10 GMT -5
saarinista: Well, my team is going to the Final Four! I am beyond thrilled. Basketball is life.
Apr 1, 2019 0:47:14 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Congrats! Yay! I don't know how many people see the shout box, I don't think it shows up not he mobile version of the site. Maybe post something in the Off Topic section and more folks may see it?
Apr 1, 2019 15:38:34 GMT -5
wewbwb: Or, maybe baseball season started . . .
Apr 2, 2019 5:27:34 GMT -5
flashjohn: saarinista, my alma mater, Texas Tech, is also in the final four.
Apr 3, 2019 14:59:01 GMT -5
saarinista: : flashjohn Ruh, roh. Then we have to be mortal enemies for the weekend because I went to MSU!
Apr 4, 2019 16:09:20 GMT -5
worksforme2: The add attachment says a max of 1mb...I see plenty of videos that are way longer than that...how do I do that? My video is 4.97 mbs
Apr 25, 2019 20:10:25 GMT -5
h: The videos posted aren't attached. They are links to videos outside the site.
Apr 26, 2019 14:09:04 GMT -5
sexlessinga: Hi guys just joined
May 10, 2019 20:49:28 GMT -5
worksforme2: @mslowmaintenance….long time no see, welcome back...
May 29, 2019 9:30:25 GMT -5
noregretz: You can never outrun a Grizzly bear, but that's ok. You only have to outrun the person you're with....
Jun 15, 2019 12:28:09 GMT -5
solodriver: or in this case your refuser.
Jun 16, 2019 19:21:47 GMT -5