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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2017 9:22:58 GMT -5
1. Yes, but I feel selfish talking about leaving my relationship over it because everything else is good. But, I'm going a little crazy and I don't want to live a sexless life. It's really hard to do. 2. Yes, we both have stable, successful careers. 3. No kids. 4. Hot & heavy. Sex every day almost for the first year. It kept slowing down year by year until it was pretty much nonexistent. 5. Nothing drastic has happened but he's mentioned that he doesn't know how to keep it exciting .. but also is never up for trying anything new, spicing it up, etc. I don't know if his drive is just way lower at this point in his life for some reason, I'm not completely sure. He doesn't want to talk about it and I've suggested getting testosterone checked, sexy date nights and so much more. He just acts like nothing is happening most of the time and doesn't want me to bring it up. He's against counseling, although I'm sure individual would at least help me personally. 1. Selfishness- Please don't feel selfish. Sex is the most basic part of marriage, and a person who is refusing/neglecting this area is NOT a good spouse, regardless of how "good" the relationship is. 2. Careers- I am so glad to hear that you have a career. That means you are not dependent on your H to live. This is a huge advantage. 3. Kids - The absence of kids gives you a lot more options. I stayed in a miserable hell of a marriage until I was 51 because of my kids. 4. Good sex in the Past- This means that he KNOWS how exciting/fulfilling sex can be, but he is not pursuing it. I don't get that. 5. He doesn't know/won't try - This is the biggest red flag of all. Someone who refuses to discuss a problem is not someone who will try to resolve it. I suggest that you insist on talking to him about this. Tell him that this issue must be resolved for the marriage to continue. You cannot live this way for the long term.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 23, 2017 14:24:42 GMT -5
Your #4, flashjohn. My W has never known sex other than with me. She won't pursue help in this area because she is content to not have sex. I know what good sex is like, and would spend a year's salary without a second thought on fixing it if I lost my drive, even without an immediate prospective partner. I can understand why those that have always had a LL don't pursue what they don't understand, but, I cannot understand someone that has had great sex not wanting that drive back.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2017 14:27:55 GMT -5
Your #4, flashjohn . My W has never known sex other than with me. She won't pursue help in this area because she is content to not have sex. I know what good sex is like, and would spend a year's salary without a second thought on fixing it if I lost my drive, even without an immediate prospective partner. I can understand why those that have always had a LL don't pursue what they don't understand, but, I cannot understand someone that has had great sex not wanting that drive back. I can understand that. My refuser "said" she was a virgin when we got married, but I am not so sure. But she never had good sex with me. Frankly, she was absolutely terrible at it. I would spend 30-45 minutes making her cum then she would give me a time limit. So romantic and passionate.
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Giving up?
Aug 23, 2017 14:44:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Aug 23, 2017 14:44:27 GMT -5
At least you had a time limit. On those rare occasions, when either of us climaxes, she's done, so, yeah, I understand with great sarcasm what having a "caring partner" is like.
Twenty four years next month. It only gets better when she is under stress because the marriage in in jeopardy. I don't want to have sex with anyone under duress, but it is better than nothing until the last kid flies out of the nest.
We should probably not digress too far from the topic at hand.
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Post by darktippedrose on Aug 23, 2017 15:00:21 GMT -5
as for keeping the sex refreshing or whatever, back when I actually got it, my husband could do almost the same thing, like a formula, and I'd still love it. I'd still be just as into it lols. I guess I"m just easily entertained that way.
using sexual boredom as an excuse, in my opinion, is just lazy. theres so many ways to keep it all going.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2017 16:20:25 GMT -5
The crux of the issue, if I were you, is whether or not he's willing to seek solutions with you. You're young and the growing issue is relatively recent. If he isn't willing to discuss it and work towards a solution or compromise then that's the problem. So much of what you read will say, "It's all about communications" which is often over simplified but is the place to START. If he can't even START confronting the issue then he can't solve it with you.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 23, 2017 20:39:57 GMT -5
as for keeping the sex refreshing or whatever, back when I actually got it, my husband could do almost the same thing, like a formula, and I'd still love it. I'd still be just as into it lols. I guess I"m just easily entertained that way. using sexual boredom as an excuse, in my opinion, is just lazy. theres so many ways to keep it all going. I can totally understand how the same routine can be great. There is something to knowing how the sex well happen and can concentrate on emotions, the connection and the skin feeling, rather then what is happening next or what to do next.
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Post by darktippedrose on Aug 24, 2017 11:47:56 GMT -5
true. I'm also hypersensitive. and feely or whatever. people always say they can tell I"m a sensual person. while my husband isn't very sensual or sexual, just a guy who screws around
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 25, 2017 8:50:39 GMT -5
In my opinion 4 years is a damn long time,and can easily turn into 10. The things that are working for you are you're employed, and no kids are involved. I would agree with all who said you need to discuss how dire this situation is with your husband. Wanting a passionate and loving marriage isn't selfish at all.. If he doesn't see an issue then there's a big problem because one person can't fix a marriage,it takes both. This is definitely the time to think long and hard about your choices, and choose what's best for you without adding kids into the mix.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 25, 2017 18:09:30 GMT -5
If you do have the divorce talk, he might try to appease you by having sex. Make sure your on some form of birth control. You don't want to wake up 5 years later right back where you are but with a kid or 2, making your decisions even more complicated.
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 25, 2017 19:53:12 GMT -5
The MYSTERY of the DISAPPEARING LIBIDO?
Excellent thread so good advice.
Going thru the threads - Where did your Husbands Libido go?
Bballgirl I think nailed it - Low Testosterone or Porn Addiction .. . Or something (or Someone Else)?
Getting to the CAUSE of he Disappearing Libido might be something to consider.
Sure it might not change the Sexlessness but at least you will know why. That might be worth something to understand the fatal coup de grace that is killing your marriage.
Other thing. "Everything is Great but the Sex" - Oh Yes - that is so often an opening line for someone new to these Forums - it surew was my opening line. Digging under the surface revealed a toxic apathetic marriage. After soul searching, meditating, and researching and examining - the Sexlessness was but a SYMPTOM of a dysfunctional marriage that seemed beyond repair.
Welcome you are not alone!!!
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 25, 2017 22:42:05 GMT -5
The only thing worse than not having sex is finally having sex and knowing they are just going through the motions...likely just wishing it were over so they could do something else, so they won't feel guilty for another 3 months or so. Personally, I realized I enjoy taking care of my own business over "duty sex", if you can call once every 5-6 months "duty sex". At least I know I mean it, as pathetic as that is.
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Post by isthisforever on Jan 27, 2019 0:14:48 GMT -5
Just sending an update. Wow, I can't believe it's been this long. I want to everyone to know that I read and really thought about everything you all had to say. Also want to share in case anyone is in the place I was in.
I stayed.
It turned from a fight to nothing at all. We had the tough conversations.
He's admitted to having zero drive ... Has admitted that "he's not used to being in a relationship this long being with only one person" ... being "bored" and then to hormones \ ED \ no drive. We've done this circle over and over since this post. Lots of fights. Lots of promises too though. The disappearing libido got worse.
It's officially been a year since I've had sex. It's now not just arguments and a once in a while pity F. It's gone.
We were out yesterday and a random guy was very openly hitting on me. This has happened a few times recently and it made him feel like he needed to address it, I guess. He was still avoiding my questions. I was still putting up with it.
He told me he hasn't been able to get hard or felt a desire at all, for any type of intimacy, for the past year. He planned tons of "romantic nights" to "keep me from being mad" (YAY!!) but would never follow through so it made me more frustrated.
He planned special occasions and at one point said we just needed to plan sex every week, promising every weekend. Nothing. He won't cuddle or really touch me at all and he said it's because he's too scared I'll try to take it further and he won't be able to perform. But you told me this was happening ... Sooo... Why lie? Again, to "keep me happy" ... OK.
He's too embarrassed to see a specialist, he says. He doesn't want to admit he's not a man and can't please his wife anymore, so would rather avoid it.
I was sympathetic towards his embarrassment about this at first but I told him that should feel incredibly minor compared to losing his wife. This is not an excuse for years of unhappiness. So he said he'd make the appointment.
Surprise surprise. Appointment was never made. Now he's waiting because there's another location opening up that's closer ... Like 4 weeks from now.
We'll see how this turns out but if I was a betting man ...
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 27, 2019 9:32:53 GMT -5
“He's too embarrassed to see a specialist, he says. He doesn't want to admit he's not a man and can't please his wife anymore, so would rather avoid it.
I was sympathetic towards his embarrassment about this at first but I told him that should feel incredibly minor compared to losing his wife. This is not an excuse for years of unhappiness. So he said he'd make the appointment.”
Thanks for taking the time to update us. What I’ve seen in real life and here is that men who love sex will do whatever it takes to have sex if they have performance issues or lose their drive. Embarrassment won’t stop them from getting help.
My post sm lover went to his doctor and got help when he noticed his sex drive had decreased and erections were iffy and he “didn’t feel like a man.” He wasn’t even in a sexual relationship then but want to be ready when one came along. His doctor prescribed t shots and cialis. when I came along, he was ready.
That you have had to push this issue means neither sex nor your needs are important to him. Based on stories here, he is not going to change. If he goes to the doctor, you will have to push him. If he gets medicine, he probably won’t use it.
You need to think about whether this is the life and marriage you want. He isn’t going to change.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2019 10:36:38 GMT -5
I am so sorry you have found yourself here. Time to lay your cards on the table and give your husband a dose of reality. In my opinion he either has low T and is not seeking medical help OR he's addicted to porn, desensitized his brain and can't get off with a real woman or he's too lazy to want to. I reccomend to enlighten him to the fact that his rejection has taken its toll and you guys need to figure out a way to have meaningful, enthusiastic, intimate sex or divorce is going to be a consideration. Open honest communication is important and refusers tend to be avoidant and not allow that to happen. Just seeing this thread now that there have been updates. bballgirl ... thank you for your comment. I needed to see that today. I'm convinced the "porn" "desensitized" and "too lazy" are factors in my current SM. The appointment to check the T levels has been set for next month. Once that's addressed all that's left is the notorious sex drive killer = porn.
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