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Post by Caris on Aug 17, 2017 20:58:43 GMT -5
If your mother or your ex's (or any other loved ones) alcohol use ever affected your life or concerned you, check out Al-Anon on line or in person for free, anonymous support. Another free, anonymous group that may be helpful is Adult Children of Alcoholics. One's parents need not have had alcohol problems for one to participate. People from any kind of dysfunctional home are welcome. I used to go due to s very dysfunctional family. I was welcomed, supported and developed insights that improved my life. I don't think I'd feel comfortable going to a group that dealt with alcoholism. My family never had alcohol problems. There was a lot of dysfunction, but none alcohol related. I'm not the type to discuss my personal life with a group, except somewhere online like this group, and EP, although I never discussed specifics(until recently), I just expressed my feelings, and how it affected me. I'm quite a private person, and this is a small city, so people know each other. My SM is not something I want to share with my neighbors, but thank you for the suggestions and support.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 21:10:58 GMT -5
Caris, it will take a while to work through all the shit he told you. I still have to work through a lot myself, and I have been out a year & a half. The feelings will come and you will face them, but we will be here to help you process them.
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Post by Caris on Aug 17, 2017 21:56:27 GMT -5
Caris, it will take a while to work through all the shit he told you. I still have to work through a lot myself, and I have been out a year & a half. The feelings will come and you will face them, but we will be here to help you process them. Thanks for this. You are absolutely right. I "met" someone today whom I'm very attracted to, and that's a rare thing for me. I was fine until he started giving me compliments, and I just wanted to cry. A man giving me a compliment has a terrible effect on me. My body instinctively stiffens like I'm under attack. I'm waiting for the cruel punchline. I can't help it. I'm not used to a man being romantic with me and giving me a compliment. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this. I don't know how to deal with it, so I withdraw, and put up my "walls." You said that you were in a relationship now, and you are happy, but does the fallout from the SM affect your relationship sometimes, like you keep expecting your new lady to respond as your ex wife did?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 22:14:09 GMT -5
Oh, Caris. You have been through so much hell. Don't ever feel that there is *anything* you can't tell us here. Even if you feel more comfortable PMing someone than doing a public post - that is also an option, if you want to use it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2017 23:40:49 GMT -5
Caris , it will take a while to work through all the shit he told you. I still have to work through a lot myself, and I have been out a year & a half. The feelings will come and you will face them, but we will be here to help you process them. Thanks for this. You are absolutely right. I "met" someone today whom I'm very attracted to, and that's a rare thing for me. I was fine until he started giving me compliments, and I just wanted to cry. A man giving me a compliment has a terrible effect on me. My body instinctively stiffens like I'm under attack. I'm waiting for the cruel punchline. I can't help it. I'm not used to a man being romantic with me and giving me a compliment. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this. I don't know how to deal with it, so I withdraw, and put up my "walls." You said that you were in a relationship now, and you are happy, but does the fallout from the SM affect your relationship sometimes, like you keep expecting your new lady to respond as your ex wife did? Yes it certainly affects my relationship now, but the longer we are together, the less it affects me. Kim is aware of what I went through and reminds me that she really means what she says, however I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to remind myself that there are no other shoes. My refuser told me for years that no women really enjoy sex, and they just tolerate it for men. She convinced me that any sexual crumb she threw me was a great honor, and I owed her eternal gratitude. Kim is wonderful to remind me that she craves me as much as I crave her, and that she makes love to me with no strings attached. But it I still catch myself panicking internally when she gets very quiet, like when she is not feeling well. I start to think I have done something wrong,and I want to fix things. I am doing much better, but I still struggle.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2017 7:09:48 GMT -5
Thanks for this. You are absolutely right. I "met" someone today whom I'm very attracted to, and that's a rare thing for me. I was fine until he started giving me compliments, and I just wanted to cry. A man giving me a compliment has a terrible effect on me. My body instinctively stiffens like I'm under attack. I'm waiting for the cruel punchline. I can't help it. I'm not used to a man being romantic with me and giving me a compliment. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this. I don't know how to deal with it, so I withdraw, and put up my "walls." You said that you were in a relationship now, and you are happy, but does the fallout from the SM affect your relationship sometimes, like you keep expecting your new lady to respond as your ex wife did? Yes it certainly affects my relationship now, but the longer we are together, the less it affects me. Kim is aware of what I went through and reminds me that she really means what she says, however I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to remind myself that there are no other shoes. My refuser told me for years that no women really enjoy sex, and they just tolerate it for men. She convinced me that any sexual crumb she threw me was a great honor, and I owed her eternal gratitude. Kim is wonderful to remind me that she craves me as much as I crave her, and that she makes love to me with no strings attached. But it I still catch myself panicking internally when she gets very quiet, like when she is not feeling well. I start to think I have done something wrong,and I want to fix things. I am doing much better, but I still struggle. Well, that's the key, isn't it. Honest, open, and continual dialog with a decent, trustworthy human being. Being able to explain ALL this stuff -- deep fears, weaknesses, and flaws -- to someone in a safe environment. Being able to take theirs and guard them like your life depends on it. Because it DOES! Trusting they'll guard and defend yours. Vulnerability. There no relationship worth having without it. That's why DryCreek's suggestion that we may be more comfortable with someone personally familiar with this experience resonated with me.
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