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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2017 11:06:21 GMT -5
I got to share Hope with a total stranger last night at a bar. Not how I thought my evening would go but I left very happy. I gave hope to this person by sharing so much of what I have learned on here and through my whole divorce process.
Funny how our conversation went from basketball, to teenage sons, to adoption, to being at a bar, to marriage, narcissism, control,his SM of 14 yrs, finding an attorney, laws and current changes, housing market, etc...
This black man I sat next to was rather intimidating. At one point he stood up and left his chair and walked away next to 2 of the other security men working there. He was taller and bigger than they where!
You can imagine how I felt when it was time to leave. He was holding back his tears and emotions. He said" thank you for helping me! YOU have been more helpful for me than you will ever know". I doubt very few people could have given to him the Hope that I felt has been given to me and I get to share with others.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 21, 2017 8:07:42 GMT -5
This is where you can find hope and somewhere to vent and bounce feelings off of real people. Before this forum I used to talk to myself about it.
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Post by james on Dec 21, 2017 8:39:50 GMT -5
I venture to suggest that having hope is the same thing as having a plan. In the film from which my pic is taken, Morgan Freeman tells Dufresne that "Hope is a dirty word". Dufresne is having none of it and that is because he has a plan. (Freeman has no plan). As it turns out, Dufresne's plan is a very good one and actually works out for him. But throughout the 20 or however many years he spent in Shawshank, you can bet that he was continuously evaluating his plan and its prospects of success. Anyone who is living in an SM and not working on a plan of what to do, whether that plan be trying to work on ones partner to change, persuading him or her to allow outsourcing, or trying to exit has a plan and therefore has hope. Anyone who is living in an SM, is unhappy, and who is not working on a plan has no hope. That leaves people who are living in an SM who are happy with the situation- they don't have a problem.
Anyone who hasn't seen Shawshank Redemption (there can't be many)- I would strongly recommend. Is there a better story about hope? I haven't come across one.
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Post by M2G on Dec 21, 2017 10:13:25 GMT -5
Hope is excellent if inserted in the correct context, which is something I'm working on.
Project
Turn this sentence: I Hope today my W will want to have sex with me again.
Into this sentence: I Hope I can muster the courage to go and see a lawyer today
(Then tell me how you did it LOL)
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 21, 2017 10:38:13 GMT -5
It’s useless to have hope that your refusing spouse will change and happily meet your sexual needs.
It’s productive to have hope that one eventually will have the courage to find a compatible lover.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 21, 2017 11:00:28 GMT -5
Hope is excellent if inserted in the correct context, which is something I'm working on. Project Turn this sentence:I Hope today my W will want to have sex with me again. Into this sentence:I Hope I can muster the courage to go and see a lawyer today (Then tell me how you did it LOL) Making the phone call to the attorney was the hardest thing I ever did but I did it for me. He did not deserve to be my husband. In my case divorce improved our financial situations but that's not typical.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 21, 2017 13:28:05 GMT -5
May I be more specific? I am struggling with hope in one department. Sex and intimacy. Why? Because that involves putting power, trust, control,and HOPE in another person. How that person responds to my actions, words and behaviors is no longer all about my control, actions drive and ambitions.
I'm sure there will always be things in life that are beyond our control, that require, faith ,hope and love.
What are the Three Great Forces of human existence? Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love!
Is that False Hope? What other choice do you have, when achieving sex and intimacy with another person? The risk will always be there. There will be days when even myself will not be ready or in the mood (except for having pneumonia, I can't think of any other times!)
I understand the difference in days where the sunrise in the morning is filed with such promise-the day before my wedding- compared with days of destruction, death,and misery.-The day I said to my W (after decades of a SM) "I need/want sex and intimacy once a week". Her response," I don't think I could EVER get used to that!"
I'm searching, learning, striving for a greater understanding of not placing all my HOPE ( a false hope -idolization) in another person- a different person,one who is more in agreement with my hopes- while realizing so many of my other worries and turning them into minor concerns.
Using Hope to my advantage!
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Post by M2G on Dec 21, 2017 13:54:49 GMT -5
Too - I would see hope for intimacy as a scary thing. Intimacy should be regarded with what's called "object constancy;" something that can always be relied upon (without being taken for granted).
This kind of constancy placed with another person is a sacred trust, that helps us get through all of the bad times knowing that it will all be OK, no matter what. So at the end of a dismal day you KNOW your partner will be there for you in good and bad.
Hoping for intimacy does not satisfy this basic human need. Hoping for intimacy, is a state of the unknown - "will I be, or won't I be, loved today?" What about tomorrow? It makes one more like a beggar at the gates, pleading for table scraps, and no more then a blip on the other person's radar.
That, is why SM is so soul shattering. We lose our sense of solidity as people. We lose our confidence and sense of self-worth. We lose our piece of mind. Sometimes we lose our minds as well - even if we ourselves are complete people.
If that isn't considered emotional abuse - then we should look closely to redefine what emotional abuse really is.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Dec 21, 2017 18:47:00 GMT -5
In my early days the original to this forum gave me hope and helped me interact with people in a similiar situation. It also gave me acceptance of my deal. I had gone through stages of sexless marriage, and had engaged in an affair, seperated and moved in with affair partner, then reconciled with my refuser. Of course the increased sex was short lived after reconciling.
Now i make the informed choice to accept my deal for what it is. A marriage of joint parental and financial convenience. For now i am willing to accept this situation. Some time later i might wake up and decide this situation is no longer working for me.
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Post by twotimesone on Dec 25, 2017 1:52:50 GMT -5
In my early days the original to this forum gave me hope and helped me interact with people in a similiar situation. It also gave me acceptance of my deal. I had gone through stages of sexless marriage, and had engaged in an affair, seperated and moved in with affair partner, then reconciled with my refuser. Of course the increased sex was short lived after reconciling. Now i make the informed choice to accept my deal for what it is. A marriage of joint parental and financial convenience. For now i am willing to accept this situation. Some time later i might wake up and decide this situation is no longer working for me. Totally agreed with you. Many of us including myself, I came here thinking that the problem with the SM is my fault, and it is our responsibility to fix it. Coming here, perhaps I come to believe that the problem is not our fault, and probably there's no way to salvage this situation. For me, I am still in the closet stage. Going to just outsource and until when my kids get out of the house. Plan to retire early and just take my money and live as some dirty old man.
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Post by Caris on Dec 25, 2017 21:59:18 GMT -5
I got to share Hope with a total stranger last night at a bar. Not how I thought my evening would go but I left very happy. I gave hope to this person by sharing so much of what I have learned on here and through my whole divorce process. Funny how our conversation went from basketball, to teenage sons, to adoption, to being at a bar, to marriage, narcissism, control,his SM of 14 yrs, finding an attorney, laws and current changes, housing market, etc... This black man I sat next to was rather intimidating. At one point he stood up and left his chair and walked away next to 2 of the other security men working there. He was taller and bigger than they where! You can imagine how I felt when it was time to leave. He was holding back his tears and emotions. He said" thank you for helping me! YOU have been more helpful for me than you will ever know". I doubt very few people could have given to him the Hope that I felt has been given to me and I get to share with others. What a touching story. You gave him a Christmas gift...your presence, your attention, and your understanding. That’s truly beautiful.
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