How to tell if you are settling in a relationship
Aug 8, 2017 9:20:27 GMT -5
DryCreek, jim44444, and 2 more like this
Post by WindSister on Aug 8, 2017 9:20:27 GMT -5
I talked with my good friend last night on the phone - she has a Harley but would still love to ride with this Kawasaki woman sometime, so I thought that was cool. Anyway, we got to talking about how she can't find a "good man." She always wanted kids, always wanted to marry, never has (she is 47 now). She was engaged a couple years ago, but he tried to kill her (literally) and just got through with the trial, is now in jail for a long, long time.
So she is not too confident about her ability to choose a good man. It's crazy to me, because she's an amazing woman - a truly empathetic and compassionate lawyer, volunteers with Big Sisters/Big Brothers, loves working out, lifting weights, etc. She can't find a man to be with and when she did, she chose a psycho.
She asked me how you can tell if you are genuinely in love or just settling.
I mean -- how do you answer that?
I see all the posts single women post about how it takes a strong woman to remain single - but please don't think you lose your strength if you are in a relationship. There IS such a thing as HAPPY relationships. In a HEALTHY, HAPPY relationship you don't lose your strength. (in fact, it takes strength to really really love, be vulnerable, open up, share a life with someone).
You are NOT settling, yet you do settle for some things. It's so hard to explain. You need some forgiveness, you need to overlook some flaws (after all, you have them too). But it's about knowing what kind of relationship you REALLY want. It doesn't have to fit a template, create your own! But try to spend time figuring out what you actually want. What would your DREAM relationship look/feel/taste like (dream big without judging your dream just to get some sparks igniting). She admitted she wanted "the Harley guy" - she got it and it went bad. (not all Harley guys are bad news, obviously). But she also has a deep-seated belief now that she will never find a man (with a belief that strong, I can't help but think it will be her reality?).
I found this list here, that actually resonated with me. As I read through it I was reminded of my relationship with my ex. So much of the points I felt/did in that relationship almost from day one. thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2016/12/30-surefire-signs-youre-settling-in-your-relationship/
So she is not too confident about her ability to choose a good man. It's crazy to me, because she's an amazing woman - a truly empathetic and compassionate lawyer, volunteers with Big Sisters/Big Brothers, loves working out, lifting weights, etc. She can't find a man to be with and when she did, she chose a psycho.
She asked me how you can tell if you are genuinely in love or just settling.
I mean -- how do you answer that?
I see all the posts single women post about how it takes a strong woman to remain single - but please don't think you lose your strength if you are in a relationship. There IS such a thing as HAPPY relationships. In a HEALTHY, HAPPY relationship you don't lose your strength. (in fact, it takes strength to really really love, be vulnerable, open up, share a life with someone).
You are NOT settling, yet you do settle for some things. It's so hard to explain. You need some forgiveness, you need to overlook some flaws (after all, you have them too). But it's about knowing what kind of relationship you REALLY want. It doesn't have to fit a template, create your own! But try to spend time figuring out what you actually want. What would your DREAM relationship look/feel/taste like (dream big without judging your dream just to get some sparks igniting). She admitted she wanted "the Harley guy" - she got it and it went bad. (not all Harley guys are bad news, obviously). But she also has a deep-seated belief now that she will never find a man (with a belief that strong, I can't help but think it will be her reality?).
I found this list here, that actually resonated with me. As I read through it I was reminded of my relationship with my ex. So much of the points I felt/did in that relationship almost from day one. thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2016/12/30-surefire-signs-youre-settling-in-your-relationship/
1. You find yourself changing little things about yourself to accommodate your significant other’s feelings.
2. You compare your relationship to others and notice all the places yours is flawed.
3. You feel unsatisfied, or unhappy, but are scared to end things.
4. You feel as if you can’t be yourself around that person, but you hold back for fear of losing him/her.
5. You find yourself noticing all the ways you two are completely different, but try to brush them off.
6. You know you can do better, but don’t try for fear of ending up alone.
7. You often think about your ex(es) and wonder if things could have worked out better with them.
8. You don’t think about the future, or picture a future with this person.
9. When it comes to matters of your heart, you find yourself regarding your feelings as less important so that your significant other doesn’t get mad.
10. You feel empty, or when others bring up your relationship, you don’t really want to talk about it.
11. You know that there’s someone who will love you so much more, but you feel like you’ll find that person eventually.
12. You know, deep down in your heart, that this person doesn’t treat you how you should be treated.
13. As much as you care about this person, you see you relationship as good for now, or temporary, or with an expiration date.
14. You find yourself ignoring major frustrations for the sake of getting along.
15. There is another person in your life that loves you far more than this person does.
16. You don’t like the way he/she does something, but you don’t bring it up because you don’t want to fight.
17. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re happier in a relationship with this person than alone.
18. You often fantasize about how you would feel if you were with someone else, or even on your own.
19. You don’t feel as passionately towards this person as you’ve been towards someone in the past, or as you know you could be.
20. Your feelings have changed, or this person has become someone you didn’t think they were, but you keep waiting instead of doing something about it.
21. You feel like your eyes are always wandering to other people, even though you’ve always been a fiercely loyal person.
22. You feel like you always have to change things about yourself to make that person happy.
23. You’ve found yourself talking super negatively about your relationship, or love in general.
24. You’re constantly fighting feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
25. You feel trapped.
26. You have to boost yourself up just to see this person.
27. You get irritated by the little things this person does, no matter how hard you try to ignore them.
28. You justify everything they do, everything you do, and the reasons why you stay, even if none of them make any sense.
29. You’re terrified of starting over.
30. You aren’t happy, no matter how hard you pretend to be. TC mark
2. You compare your relationship to others and notice all the places yours is flawed.
3. You feel unsatisfied, or unhappy, but are scared to end things.
4. You feel as if you can’t be yourself around that person, but you hold back for fear of losing him/her.
5. You find yourself noticing all the ways you two are completely different, but try to brush them off.
6. You know you can do better, but don’t try for fear of ending up alone.
7. You often think about your ex(es) and wonder if things could have worked out better with them.
8. You don’t think about the future, or picture a future with this person.
9. When it comes to matters of your heart, you find yourself regarding your feelings as less important so that your significant other doesn’t get mad.
10. You feel empty, or when others bring up your relationship, you don’t really want to talk about it.
11. You know that there’s someone who will love you so much more, but you feel like you’ll find that person eventually.
12. You know, deep down in your heart, that this person doesn’t treat you how you should be treated.
13. As much as you care about this person, you see you relationship as good for now, or temporary, or with an expiration date.
14. You find yourself ignoring major frustrations for the sake of getting along.
15. There is another person in your life that loves you far more than this person does.
16. You don’t like the way he/she does something, but you don’t bring it up because you don’t want to fight.
17. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re happier in a relationship with this person than alone.
18. You often fantasize about how you would feel if you were with someone else, or even on your own.
19. You don’t feel as passionately towards this person as you’ve been towards someone in the past, or as you know you could be.
20. Your feelings have changed, or this person has become someone you didn’t think they were, but you keep waiting instead of doing something about it.
21. You feel like your eyes are always wandering to other people, even though you’ve always been a fiercely loyal person.
22. You feel like you always have to change things about yourself to make that person happy.
23. You’ve found yourself talking super negatively about your relationship, or love in general.
24. You’re constantly fighting feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
25. You feel trapped.
26. You have to boost yourself up just to see this person.
27. You get irritated by the little things this person does, no matter how hard you try to ignore them.
28. You justify everything they do, everything you do, and the reasons why you stay, even if none of them make any sense.
29. You’re terrified of starting over.
30. You aren’t happy, no matter how hard you pretend to be. TC mark