|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 16, 2017 22:21:30 GMT -5
Did you ever have one of those idyllic weekends where the sun departing behind some watercolor painted clouds frames a picturesque ending to a wonderful drive through some country roads to spend quality time with immediate and extended family far from the grind of daily life?
Its that kind of drive where even the kids in a rare demonstration of melancholy in the back of the car openly reflect and express gratitude for what they lived that day.
Its the kind of day that leaves you feeling happy about those precious hours spent.
And yet deep down inside where you dont like to venture too often, beneath the feelings of bliss, there is a certain sadness and its old friend lonliness playing in the midst. These two chums come out to play at times so that even your children see it and openly wonder why you might be sad.
And that person that you think would notice, no, that person whom you want to notice your sadness, so they can cheer you up, doesnt notice. Or they do notice so that they can mock in the ways only you two would know.
Well that is me today. Pause.
I thought twice about journalling this because I dont like being debbie downer. At least not in public.
But I am done sweeping my feelings under the rug, only to have them be forgotten tomorrow, for the sake of marital harmony.
Towards peace love and harnony is the subtitle of this thread. True harmony starts now.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 17, 2017 12:37:15 GMT -5
Checking in today. Feeling a little better than yesterday when it was all woe is me.
W. has called twice today as if all is normal and nothing has happened. She knew I was upset and played coy about it.
The level of dyfunction is real and fucked up. And I guess until I have started writing about it, I have clearly underestimated how fucked up it is.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 17, 2017 12:43:17 GMT -5
5 freaking years...how time flies!!!
I wanted to mention this. I was going through some very old emails on an anonymous email account I have and I realized I first signed up an account on EP 5 year ago. What brought me there was the ILIASM group. Of course back then I was still having regular sex but it was the beginning of the steady rejection phase. I was never active on that forum. I dont believe I ever posted. I do remember thinking at the time, Im still having sex regularly so its not as bad as I think.
And here I am, 5 freaking years later.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 17, 2017 12:44:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry you were feeling down yesterday and I'm glad today is better. That's the thing about emotions they change. But journaling and being aware of your situation is healthy for you so continue with that it helps.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 17, 2017 12:54:16 GMT -5
Thank you bballgirl. The writing definitely helps.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 19, 2017 8:25:37 GMT -5
More journaling today.
Mostly houskeeping. These are some things I have been thinking about and plan to journal about when I have time to sit down and write. Getting them down before I forget
Self Improvement: 1. Sexual performance enhancement 2. Goal setting 3. Daily affirmations
Relationship: 1. Outsourcing 2. Relationship timelines and request for feedback
Other: Write more non-fiction sex stories? I find this therapeutic and provides some level of sexual expression. But it could easily get carried away.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2017 15:51:47 GMT -5
You are making a general statement, but your evidence consists of one outlier incident. The world does not revolve around outlier incidents intended to prove a faulty premise. And this forum, at the moment, is full of people dealing with spouses that are so sex negative they literally would rather have a root canal. Surely you must do some reading here to learn. Geez, you make it so easy. Really? An outlier? You're gonna go with that? It took all of 10 seconds to go to Bing (I don't use Google) and search on the phrase "scheduling sex". Here you go: CNN, 2 Huffington Post, Prevention, Women's Health Magazine - outliers? Oh, and over 5mil hits in that search. Yes, I do some reading here to learn. I also share info gained from reading other sources. ETA: Forgot to mention that I wrote about scheduling in a post on my blog, and a few months later, a reader named Mike wrote the following in a comment on a different post: He called my article on scheduling sex "a game changer" in his marriage. In my case, i'm not saying it's unachievable for everyone but it would be difficult to argue that a large percentage of LL marriages were "solved" with one technique like scheduling. We tried it briefly many years ago and it didn't achieve the results I wanted which was a compromise. Her desire at the time was closer to once every two or three months and I would have considered twice per month a sustainable option. On any bell curve there are some that are closer together and some that are many standard deviations apart.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Jul 19, 2017 23:05:40 GMT -5
In my case, i'm not saying it's unachievable for everyone but it would be difficult to argue that a large percentage of LL marriages were "solved" with one technique like scheduling. We tried it briefly many years ago and it didn't achieve the results I wanted which was a compromise. Her desire at the time was closer to once every two or three months and I would have considered twice per month a sustainable option. On any bell curve there are some that are closer together and some that are many standard deviations apart. It WOULD be difficult to argue that. And as you can see by reading up the thread, I didn't try to argue that. I was merely reacting to a pontifical statement that scheduling sex doesn't work. I believe that I demonstrated otherwise.
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Jul 19, 2017 23:51:20 GMT -5
Hi TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo, i think your idea of journalling here is a great idea. I did pretty much the same with this site too, writing about issues as they came up in a chronological order - it became my safe place and I felt sane again. One of the reasons was he was a manipulative controller and would wear me down with words, back track, deny everything and generally make me think I was going crazy. Any attempt at conversation turned into a monologue from him, a lecture. Wishing you all the best x
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 20, 2017 6:37:07 GMT -5
Up early today. So I thought to jot down a few thoughts before heading out. Going to be a hectic day. We will be going whale watching with the whole family this weekend and then a business trip to boston for a few days next week. So lots of stuff to prep for. Excited for both trips. Boston is a work trip and will be nice to catch up with some colleagues. They are all in sales, so fun bunch of guys. Whale watching is for my youngest son (6yo) who is a bit of a hunchback whale enthusiast. But its also probably one of the last family trips with my oldest who is heading away to college in the fall.
As Im thinking about what separation or divorce might look like, one of the concerns that I have is about finding that support network. Who do you tell? Who can one confide in? Ive told a few people but generally would prefer to stick to lighter topics.
One guy I know fairly well went through his divorce ordeal about 10-15 years ago. When he was going through it he would call me from time to time and I would just let him vent and try to be encouraging. He's remarried now having lots of sex, or so he claims. I mentioned my situation to him, and while he listened and was generally supportive, he stopped calling every few months like he used to. Im happy for him and where he is at with his life. But thought he would be more of a friend since he'd been through it. I tried to keep in touch but felt the situation to be "off" if you know what I mean so I stopped calling. Its been crickets since.
Another friend. Great guy. We've known each other for 15 years. We've worked together on and off. Now we are colleagues again. We get out to dinner frequently and once he asked me about the home life and I opened up. He went through it about 20 years ago, also since remarried. He still asks from time to time how things are going but I dont really get into it. He respects that.
I thought about telling a few close cousins about it or my brother. But no. Would rather not. A few years back, I once told my parents that I was thinking of leaving. My mom is older and with health issues. I didnt want her to be caught off guard if it happened. They were very supportive and understood. I told my wife about that discussion with my parents. I thought it would be a wake up call. Instead she called it an act of betrayal. That wierded me out. And I questioned my actions. Would like to know what y'all think on that one. I ultimately decided that she was playing dumb. Like I hadnt talked to her about it before.
My general view is everyone is really busy with their own lives and not available to be supportive. Maybe Im jaded in that regard.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 20, 2017 6:54:30 GMT -5
The support network is pretty fluid. And personal. It isn't necessary to tell anyone if you don't want to. Lots of people use this site and members as their support group. Others regard their individual counselling as their support network. Some talk to "appropriate" people in their lives. Some go in for Divorce support groups and suchlike.
Some use a mix of some of or even all of the above. It's whatever will work for you.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 20, 2017 7:16:43 GMT -5
That was wrong of your wife to see it as a betrayal - she focused on herself not the way you felt - very selfish.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 20, 2017 8:01:39 GMT -5
Well people are busy. That doesn't mean they won't be supportive.
You are going to have to call them, ask "Do you have a moment".
I know a doctor. He's a busy man with his practice, his family, his employees, his aging mother in law now living at their house, etc...
He also leads a young marrieds class. He says, "I have these two young couples that are newly married, boy do they have problems. They call me. We invite them over the house. my wife councils the woman. They stopped calling me. I tell them all they have to do is call. I'm too busy to be calling them and checking up on them. They are adults. When they call I try to make time".
As you can see I remember that, I like that philosophy.
Here's one more. Early in my marriage after our first year, my wife and I sat down and said, "we had dinner,cards, and fun with at least 14 other couples and friends. No one else invited us over their house. No one else called us up and invited us anywhere!
Our frustrations seemed justified. Time passed and I began to look at it differently. I latter thought of it as a gift. A gift towards reaching out to others, taking the lead, being confident, and making things happen. Did everyone have a good time? Did they ask to do it again? YES!
People are busy. Help yourself by letting others know " I need help". Don't be afraid to ask. Their goes the "fear" again. Make it a "concern". Am I bothering you? Is this a good time? Offer some pay back. Make it happen. Can I buy you dinner? Can I help you with anything around the house? Lets go fishing, etc...
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 20, 2017 8:46:24 GMT -5
Funny you mention the support group option. There was a point where I even considered going to a sex addiction support group. It got to the point where I thought I was over sexed. Such was the mind fuckery Alas, no. As I explored further I came to the realization that I was not an addict but a high libido male in a relationship with a recently mismatched partner and who happened to be sex starved. Bad combo The support network is pretty fluid. And personal. It isn't necessary to tell anyone if you don't want to. Lots of people use this site and members as their support group. Others regard their individual counselling as their support network. Some talk to "appropriate" people in their lives. Some go in for Divorce support groups and suchlike. Some use a mix of some of or even all of the above. It's whatever will work for you.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2017 13:05:57 GMT -5
I think that journaling on a site like this is the best place to get support. There are lots of people who are or were in the same boat so are likely to relate to and be interested in one's concerns.
Next best would be a therapist or divorce support group or if one is religious, ond's spiritual advisor.
Next would be a close friend or relative, but one must be careful to allow them to talk about their own lives and concerns and to give them support and encouragement. If you just use such people as sounding boards, they eventually will avoid you as an energy drain.
It's usually advisable not to vent to work buddies because that could affect how others view your professionalism.
|
|