Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2018 20:13:32 GMT -5
I agree with bballgirl as well. Take the kids out of the situation as soon as she does this, and if she gets upset just tell her (privately) that it is a shame that you feel you have to protect the kids from their mother. I REALLY hate suggesting this, but if she is willing to use the kids as pawns in a power play where she is willing to hurt them, and therefore she is beyond even agreeing with you that you should have a united front in front of the kids, then perhaps you should start recording her rants. Or at least journaling them. If things are this bad, it is time to gather evidence.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 30, 2018 8:24:31 GMT -5
Thanks for all the love people. Its really an interesting experience journalling here and giving people a window into one's experiences.
Removing the kids is a valid idea. What usually transpires is she'll get upset, I try to give her looks or let her otherwise know it's not the right time or place. Then she'll say something like its never the right time or place. To this, I have to concede somewhat. In the not too long ago past I tended to have issues expressing myself, words caught in my throat and all that. I certainly understand how that is frustrating to her. I completely own that and have been making strides in the last 18 months or so. This part is new to her and has led to slow adjusting of expectations on both sides. What is frustrating for me is not seeing any corresponding changes on her end. She seems to have become more confrontational. But that is on her.
If I were to put my psychology hat on, I suspect narcissism and possibly bipolar type behavior. Someone mentioned emotional intelligence. W is wicked smart and engaging. She can work a room like nobody's business. The issue is that she tends to view the relationship as a chess game. She used to tend to say things like, you cant out maneuver me, you need to see things my way, I can see 3 steps in front of you, yada yada yada. Not so much anymore as she is finally recognizing how fruitless that is in terms of relationship dynamics. But old habits die slowly.
To be sure, I am not trying to change her. These are just my observations. I have to repeatedly clarify to her that very point and that her behavior to me is unacceptable nor is it what I want in a relationship. She makes a very valid point that she has always been this way and why am I bringing this up now. A divorce discussion usually ensues. I can see how saying not changing her may seem contradictory. I truly dont expect her to change. What I want her to see is that the default behavior for so long is not conducive to improving the quality of the relationship dynamics. That to me would be breakthrough and we might have something to work with.
About the last point, I wrote a post previously about my accountability in the failings of the relationship. One of the things that I did wrong in the past is not address this behavior more forcefully. In the past, we'd argue, we'd make up because "love conquers all", but we never really addressed the issues. And clearly that contributes to the bedroom experience. I suppose over time, it has become weary for both of us. When it came to sex, I always thought it would bring us closer, even during disageements. Angry sex was a turn on for me. Anger caused her to shut down sexually.
The relationship has been an evolution. Now that I am finding my voice more and more we seem to be growing apart.
At this point, I am trying to be friends, roomates, and co-parents. Im past the resentment about the sex although it is something I still crave even if outside the marriage. She may not see eye-to-eye about co-habiting and co-parenting. Preferreing the black and white context of take me as I am or divorce.
So there you have it.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 30, 2018 19:05:12 GMT -5
I agree. Journaling works. I need to document the incidents and capture my raw emotions. I agree with bballgirl as well. Take the kids out of the situation as soon as she does this, and if she gets upset just tell her (privately) that it is a shame that you feel you have to protect the kids from their mother. I REALLY hate suggesting this, but if she is willing to use the kids as pawns in a power play where she is willing to hurt them, and therefore she is beyond even agreeing with you that you should have a united front in front of the kids, then perhaps you should start recording her rants. Or at least journaling them. If things are this bad, it is time to gather evidence.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 30, 2018 20:46:21 GMT -5
In my jurisdiction, *you* saying to a judge (or even producing journal notes and/or recordings) to the effect that your missus is nuts won't fly. Medical evidence from an independent arbiter - like a psych - may fly. Your jurisdiction might be different. In any event, it doesn't read like your missus has been diagnosed with anything Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . So there'd be no leverage there to pursue anything other than a standard 50/50 parenting set up in the event of a divorce. Which would bring you back to a judgement call. Would the kids be best served by - (a) - you two staying together with its' opportunities for your missus to continue her outbursts to all at will. (b) - you two parting ways so that at least half the time they'd be free of that environment and be with the parent who is not inclined to uncontrolled outbursts.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 30, 2018 22:26:07 GMT -5
Nothing you have stated is untrue. The journaling isnt for a judge, its for me. Call them mile markers if you will. 2 of my kids are not yet ready to see me only 50% of the time. Even if the mother is a loose cannon at times. Heck I am not ready to only see my kids 50% of the time. The decision to divorce is in the oven but not yet fully baked. Even once the decision is made it will be another 3-5 years before finality. First step is to get the finances tightened up. The lawyer consultations will come. Wife may want to do counselling. I think it will just hasten the decision to split. In the meantime the AP search is proving to be a somewhat useful distraction even if superficial in the early going. The good news is that there are a lot of willing women out there. If nothing else, it clearly shows what is missing in my relationship. Loving all my ILIASM peeps as we wind down this Sunday night. In my jurisdiction, *you* saying to a judge (or even producing journal notes and/or recordings) to the effect that your missus is nuts won't fly. Medical evidence from an independent arbiter - like a psych - may fly. Your jurisdiction might be different. In any event, it doesn't read like your missus has been diagnosed with anything Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . So there'd be no leverage there to pursue anything other than a standard 50/50 parenting set up in the event of a divorce. Which would bring you back to a judgement call. Would the kids be best served by - (a) - you two staying together with its' opportunities for your missus to continue her outbursts to all at will. (b) - you two parting ways so that at least half the time they'd be free of that environment and be with the parent who is not inclined to uncontrolled outbursts.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 1, 2018 9:58:52 GMT -5
By way of preamble, I am not feeling well today as I seemed to have caught a flu. So I took advantage to work from home and also declared a mental health day for myself.
I was writing in another thread when some thoughts materialized and wanted to capture for posterity.
Ive copied and pasted that post below and elaborated with some addtional commentary
One thing I have found is that moving out of the bedroom and having some "space" has provided a lot of relationship clarity or so it seems. Im curious if others have felt this way while still living under the same roof.
I suppose its symptomatic of lack of intimacy and forced enotional distance.
That and the constant churning in my head is also triggering a series of flashbacks to incidents where she felt wronged in the near and distant past. The triggering of previously dormant flashbacks seems highly transformative and relevant.
Part of working on myself is taking a look at who I am as a participant in my environment and what that means vis-a-vis the different relationships that I orbit. I admit to having an avoidant personality but not in the classical sense. I tend to be avoidant not due to lack of confidence or sensitivity to criticism, but perhaps more so out of self-service. Im selfish with my time and how I want to spend it. Now with my kids, I think I try to be generous. Career wise Ive always put a lot of time into my career. Although after 20+ years I try to do more in less time and to maximize discretionary free time. With my spouse, I felt like she had all my spare time that wasnt consumed otherwise. To be fair, I dont spend alot of time with "the guys", or actively pursuing hobbies. I'll take the occasuonal stroll down to the pub to unwind, but usually that is not family time or career time.
So back to the flashbacks. In the past, we went through a phase with my wife where she felt ignored by me and as a result felt unloved. We would talk about it extensively. I tried to reassure her of my remorse for her feeling that way, and that I truly did love her unfailingly. My excuses for the lack of attention were typical but I thought sincere. Kids, career, schooling, business travel, and in general life. I reacted by being more attentive to her needs. I clearly struggled. Im not the most expressive person on the planet and she was impatient. In reflecting back, it seems that family life, which consumed the majority of our discretionary time, and which we both valued highly, left little for adult time that did not involve the marital bed.
My wife and I are both spontaneous and we never scheduled date nights. We would ocasionally go to the movies, or go grocery/clothes shopping without kids. We would do netflix and chill nights which frequently finished with satisfying sex in our living room couch while trying not to wake the kids, or in our bed once the show or movie was over. These were our date nights.
And now I look back and the whatifs come to haunt. What if I had regularly scheduled adult evenings, what if we played hooky from work and spent the day together, what if we left the kids with grandparents for free adult time.
Despite the guilt that I didnt try "more" to keep the passion fresh, I find it difficult to fathom that it would have made a damn difference from where we are today.
There are more flashbacks I have about incidents that I know caused my wife some grief. And there is a lot of guilt. I am not sure what to do with those. A part of me wants to tell my wife about it. And let her know that I wish I had responded differently. More to her liking. But then I know her reaction will be to ask why Im bringing it up now. I will feel like a fool. It then occurs to me that Im becoming increasingly protective of my heart. Not sure what that says about the state of my relationship.
Side note to self: this is so much self absorbed ramble stream of conciousness style
|
|
|
Post by dallasgia on Oct 1, 2018 11:31:05 GMT -5
Hi TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo, i think your idea of journalling here is a great idea. I did pretty much the same with this site too, writing about issues as they came up in a chronological order - it became my safe place and I felt sane again. One of the reasons was he was a manipulative controller and would wear me down with words, back track, deny everything and generally make me think I was going crazy. Any attempt at conversation turned into a monologue from him, a lecture. Wishing you all the best x You poignantly describe my relationship - spot on.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 4, 2018 9:29:42 GMT -5
Things have settled a bit from the weekend. W did make an effort with verbal communication quickly after our less than friendly encounter. I responded in a positive manner which is a departure from the past where I tended to be avoidant in these situations. I would shut down emotionally from her for days. Which in turn would set her off even more, understandably.
We ended up taking the kids clothes shopping the next day for some needed wardrobe updates to outgrown clothes. We actually got along well. Yesterday evening she invited me along for her evening walk. We went for 30 minutes around our neighborhood which was mostly small talk about our jobs and some stuff that needs to get done around the house. It had a roommate feel to it, not cold or perfunctory per se, but not affectionate either. I was fine with that. It was quite nice actually.
What I really want to post is that I continue to work on myself. One thing that is promising is that Im learning to identify behavior that is destructive to communication and I make mental notes about cues and triggers. I then try to have a script ready with a more productive response if you can call it that. Basically the goal is to try not to react in a way that is a hindrance to communication but also be clear about what is affecting you. I cannot yet claim success as this is a fairly recent adjustment and I must admit it is challenging because it does not come natural, I have to check feelings of past resentments, and I need to overcome long ingrained instinctive behavior.
This self work is providing some dividends on the homefront. But what I really find fulfilling is that Im starting to see how my communication shortcomings have contributed to this mess of a relationship.
All this to say that Im happy with the shift. It doesnt change anything as far as the new normal in the relationship, we are still roomies to be clear. But I feel it is progress from a personal growth perspective.
Im headed out to southern NJ for a planned 3 day trip with one of my kids this weekend. It will be some welcome zip code therapy on my end at least.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 4, 2018 15:38:43 GMT -5
So looks like 3 day therapy gets extended to 20 days...fun, fun.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it. Pay attention kids.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Oct 4, 2018 18:14:48 GMT -5
Hi TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo, i think your idea of journalling here is a great idea. I did pretty much the same with this site too, writing about issues as they came up in a chronological order - it became my safe place and I felt sane again. One of the reasons was he was a manipulative controller and would wear me down with words, back track, deny everything and generally make me think I was going crazy. Any attempt at conversation turned into a monologue from him, a lecture. Wishing you all the best x You poignantly describe my relationship - spot on. Mine as well. The journaling is excellent.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Oct 4, 2018 18:20:43 GMT -5
So looks like 3 day therapy gets extended to 20 days...fun, fun. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it. Pay attention kids. Hope all is well great pretender.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 4, 2018 21:56:01 GMT -5
Its all good. Leisure trip, followed immediately by a business trip, then she leaves to see her mom. In the past, Ive usually loathed the return home having enjoyed the separation. With the new normal, we shall see what we shall see. So looks like 3 day therapy gets extended to 20 days...fun, fun. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it. Pay attention kids. Hope all is well great pretender.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Oct 4, 2018 22:26:18 GMT -5
I understand. Good luck. Enjoy the time with your kids.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 8, 2018 10:19:51 GMT -5
Back in town for a day. Leave again tomorrow. Zip code therapy was fantastic. Had an amazing weekend of bonding with my son and being around good friends.
As usual, being away provides some clarity.
I need to let go of my infatuations.
I need to let go of resentment from the past.
I need to keep moving forward to show the world the best me even when situations or persons seem to want to bring out the worst
And I need to remember I am playing the long game.
|
|
|
Post by javba on Oct 8, 2018 12:56:39 GMT -5
I need to let go of my infatuations. I need to let go of resentment from the past. I need to keep moving forward to show the world the best me even when situations or persons seem to want to bring out the worst And I need to remember I am playing the long game. Well Said - Thanks
|
|