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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 10, 2018 21:22:10 GMT -5
With me yeah. With her, no. In a nutshell Relationship has cooled down. Im not as angry or resentful over lack of sex. I no longer initiate. I counter refuse. We spend the vast majority of nights sleeping in separate bedrooms. We are becomimg more and more like roomates. I want to exit. Not now. Probably between 3-5 years. Need to get some financial goals out of the way. Till then, Im the great pretender. Pretending that I'm doing well My need is such I pretend too much I'm lonely but no one can tell I was just reading through your back story to get myself up to speed Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . Of note was your post (page 5 of your thread) on 14th August 2017 detailing a major blow up in your deal. Has anything materially changed between now, and 13 months ago ?
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Post by flounder on Sept 11, 2018 5:54:49 GMT -5
Till then, Im the great pretender. Pretending that I'm doing well My need is such I pretend too much I'm lonely but no one can tell. -Daddeeo
Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender Adrift in a world of my own I've played the game but to my real shame You've left me to grieve all alone Too real is this feeling of make-believe Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal Yes I'm the great pretender Just laughin' and gay like a clown I seem to be what I'm not, you see I'm wearing my heart like a crown Pretending that you're still around Too real is this feeling of make-believe Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal Yes I'm the great pretender Just laughin' and gay like the clown I seem to be what I'm not, you see I'm wearing my heart like a crown Pretending that you're still around.
Genius.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 14, 2018 16:11:40 GMT -5
Im so weak!!!!!
Wife is giving off the vibes. I know that if I went for it, the flood gates would gush (pun intended).
She is looking good, and when she walks by, her scent and pheromones trigger all kinds of sexual desire. She is touching my hands and my face.
All good, right? Well I dont trust it. Im not happy with how things stand and I feel like fucking now will give her the impression that things are ok between us. Its her proverbial olive branch. This scene has played out various times in the past few years.
So Im trying to break the cycle. In the past, when we are in this phase, Ive not responded well to touching and affection, cutting it off abrubtly until we get to some "understanding" then the reset cycle starts.
This time, Im not reacting abrubtly to curtail drama but I find myself fighting the urge to take things further.
I do want to talk to her about having some space between us for awhile. I use the emotional distance to be at peace and process my thoughts and emotions. I feel like I walk on eggshells once the reset starts to wane. I want to talk to her about the non sexual things that bother me. I want to tell her that the mismatched libido still affects me. I want to tell her Im not comfortable that either of us will want to concede. None of these conversations will be new. But my resolve has changed.
I feel that we should be roommates and that we should try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship even if it means pretending Im not lonely. Hence, the great pretender sounds like a great moniker.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2018 16:18:40 GMT -5
Im so weak!!!!! Wife is giving off the vibes. I know that if I went for it, the flood gates would gush (pun intended). She is looking good, and when she walks by, her scent and pheromones trigger all kinds of sexual desire. She is touching my hands and my face. All good, right? Well I dont trust it. Im not happy with how things stand and I feel like fucking now will give her the impression that things are ok between us. Its her proverbial olive branch. This scene has played out various times in the past few years. So Im trying to break the cycle. In the past, when we are in this phase, Ive not responded well to touching and affection, cutting it off abrubtly until we get to some "understanding" then the reset cycle starts. This time, Im not reacting abrubtly to curtail drama but I find myself fighting the urge to take things further. I do want to talk to her about having some space between us for awhile. I use the emotional distance to be at peace and process my thoughts and emotions. I feel like I walk on eggshells once the reset starts to wane. I want to talk to her about the non sexual things that bother me. I want to tell her that the mismatched libido still affects me. I want to tell her Im not comfortable that either of us will want to concede. None of these conversations will be new. But my resolve has changed. I feel that we should be roommates and that we should try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship even if it means pretending Im not lonely. Hence the great pretender sounds like a great moniker. Maybe you can use it as an opportunity to be honest. (Apologies if you have tried this.) Before you fall for her charms, tell her now that she is looking good, but you have been hurt very badly by her, and therefore you cannot risk being hurt again. Tell her that sex with her and her then her becoming a refuser again is more painful than abstinence. Tell her that you feel like this is a game, and marriage is not a game to you. Tell her that you need a commitment from her to change the marriage from top to bottom, and you want a relationship where both of you can feel desired all the time. Change the rules, now. Change the dynamic. This might be the time you can get through to her. (Hey, it's lonely in my own opposite-land - I need company!)
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Post by flounder on Sept 14, 2018 16:20:05 GMT -5
You have to hold your ground. She’s probably counting on you to cave. Do tell her about the other things that bother you. If it gets ugly,it will truly show what kind of reset you are getting. Is she willing to fight for marriage ?
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Post by flounder on Sept 14, 2018 16:22:48 GMT -5
Im so weak!!!!! Wife is giving off the vibes. I know that if I went for it, the flood gates would gush (pun intended). She is looking good, and when she walks by, her scent and pheromones trigger all kinds of sexual desire. She is touching my hands and my face. All good, right? Well I dont trust it. Im not happy with how things stand and I feel like fucking now will give her the impression that things are ok between us. Its her proverbial olive branch. This scene has played out various times in the past few years. So Im trying to break the cycle. In the past, when we are in this phase, Ive not responded well to touching and affection, cutting it off abrubtly until we get to some "understanding" then the reset cycle starts. This time, Im not reacting abrubtly to curtail drama but I find myself fighting the urge to take things further. I do want to talk to her about having some space between us for awhile. I use the emotional distance to be at peace and process my thoughts and emotions. I feel like I walk on eggshells once the reset starts to wane. I want to talk to her about the non sexual things that bother me. I want to tell her that the mismatched libido still affects me. I want to tell her Im not comfortable that either of us will want to concede. None of these conversations will be new. But my resolve has changed. I feel that we should be roommates and that we should try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship even if it means pretending Im not lonely. Hence the great pretender sounds like a great moniker. Maybe you can use it as an opportunity to be honest. (Apologies if you have tried this.) Before you fall for her charms, tell her now that she is looking good, but you have been hurt very badly by her, and therefore you cannot risk being hurt again. Tell her that sex with her and her then her becoming a refuser again is more painful than abstinence. Tell her that you feel like this is a game, and marriage is not a game to you. Tell her that you need a commitment from her to change the marriage from top to bottom, and you want a relationship where both of you can feel desired all the time. Change the rules, now. Change the dynamic. This might be the time you can get through to her. (Hey, it's lonely in my own opposite-land - I need company!) Right there with you Shynjdude.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 14, 2018 17:29:14 GMT -5
Maybe you can use it as an opportunity to be honest. (Apologies if you have tried this.) Before you fall for her charms, tell her now that she is looking good, but you have been hurt very badly by her, and therefore you cannot risk being hurt again. Tell her that sex with her and her then her becoming a refuser again is more painful than abstinence. Tell her that you feel like this is a game, and marriage is not a game to you. Tell her that you need a commitment from her to change the marriage from top to bottom, and you want a relationship where both of you can feel desired all the time. Change the rules, now. Change the dynamic. This might be the time you can get through to her. (Hey, it's lonely in my own opposite-land - I need company!) This is solid advice. It very much resonates with my thinking. Im fairly confident in saying we are at the point where things have broken down in the past. Either because of my inability to communicate effectively or her inability/failure to act on the message, we have not managed a breakthrough. @shynjdude Your assessment is very perceptive and I appreciate the solid advice. It is a chance to alter the dynamic in favor of the relationship. The key will be to not cave in to the desire and stick to the narrative. It sometimes feels like that scene from wolf of wall street. Link below if you're not familiar with the reference.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 14, 2018 17:33:00 GMT -5
flounder I appreciate the advice. I do think she is willing to fight for the marriage. I am less confident that either of us have the communication tools to get a major breakthrough. Maybe the time is right for marriage counseling. You have to hold your ground. She’s probably counting on you to cave. Do tell her about the other things that bother you. If it gets ugly,it will truly show what kind of reset you are getting. Is she willing to fight for marriage ?
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Post by flounder on Sept 14, 2018 18:35:54 GMT -5
Could be worth a shot.
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Post by jamesbonding on Sept 14, 2018 23:13:31 GMT -5
Maybe you can use it as an opportunity to be honest. (Apologies if you have tried this.) Before you fall for her charms, tell her now that she is looking good, but you have been hurt very badly by her, and therefore you cannot risk being hurt again. Tell her that sex with her and her then her becoming a refuser again is more painful than abstinence. Tell her that you feel like this is a game, and marriage is not a game to you. Tell her that you need a commitment from her to change the marriage from top to bottom, and you want a relationship where both of you can feel desired all the time. Change the rules, now. Change the dynamic. This might be the time you can get through to her. (Hey, it's lonely in my own opposite-land - I need company!) I haven't written much about it, but I'm right here with you, @shynjdude ! I've has sex with my wife about once a day for the last two weeks, she's initiating and being active and even seems to enjoy it! I'm feeling hopeful that it will continue at an acceptable frequency. How did I get here? I said some things like "I don't want the next 35 years to be like the last 35: not enough sex!" and "We hardly ever cuddle. This doesn't feel much like a marriage. It's more like we're roommates." A few days ago (after the dramatic increase in frequency) she said "I want our future life together to be happy." I think that indicates she made a resolution to do what it takes to make me happy, in particular providing a lot more sex and cuddling. In response to the frequent sex, I've showered her with thanks and hugs, and have been more willing to do things she asks me to do to help out around the house. Two years ago there was another spike in sex frequency, but the frequency dropped off after a few weeks. It's a long story, which you can find here: www.reuniting.info/blogs/james-bonding/how-recover-sexless-marriage . I think the frequency dropped off because she didn't keep whatever resolution she made at the time, and I didn't take prompt action to keep things on track. So I think it's important to be vigilant and immediately start troubleshooting if the frequency drops in my current situation. This is solid advice. It very much resonates with my thinking. Im fairly confident in saying we are at the point where things have broken down in the past. Either because of my inability to communicate effectively or her inability/failure to act on the message, we have not managed a breakthrough. @shynjdude Your assessment is very perceptive and I appreciate the solid advice. It is a chance to alter the dynamic in favor of the relationship. The key will be to not cave in to the desire and stick to the narrative. It sometimes feels like that scene from wolf of wall street. Link below if you're not familiar with the reference. I agree with shynjdude about the importance of communicating those things. But I disagree that you should wait to have the discussion before accepting an offer to have sex. If she offers, accept the offer immediately with delight and enthusiasm! Immediately afterwards, shower her with appreciation, and tell her you hope you can do that again, frequently. Take her out for a nice dinner, buy her flowers, or do whatever you think she would really like. Do it as a reward for last time, not as a bribe for next time. And if there is no next time within a few days, or if the frequency goes below an acceptable level, immediately start troubleshooting. I think vigilance is one of the keys to turning a temporary "reset" into a permanent turnaround. I think it's not a good idea to feign disinterest in sex, to counter-refuse, or to simply stop asking for sex (or whatever you want). I've tried not asking for several weeks, to see if my wife would initiate, and no, she (usually) hasn't. Feigning disinterest just creates too many opportunities for the refuser to say, "I offered and you refused, so I figured you weren't interested..." Maybe my wife's libido is like a fire in a fire pit. Neglect it, and the fuel gets used up and the fire goes out, and it can be hard to get it started again. Pile more fuel on a fire and the fire burns brightly. The fire is burning brightly in my marriage right now. I hope to keep it that way.
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Post by Handy on Sept 14, 2018 23:25:20 GMT -5
Daddeeo, my idea of turning a woman down is similar or equal her turning you down 100 times. What ever emotional damage she did by turning you down 100 times is equal you turning her down or avoiding her advances she does 1 time.
Could you tell her you are interested but it has to be a regular once a week activity?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 16, 2018 22:44:40 GMT -5
jamesbonding re: if she offers sex I feel like Im done. Im still very attracted to my wife. But I cant stand her. It feels like she wants to have sex only so that the next day she can rip something I say or do to shreds.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 16, 2018 22:47:51 GMT -5
I consider myself pretty "handy" with math, but I havent a clue WTF you are trying to say below other than something about 100:1 ratio. No need to explain. Just didnt want you to think I was ignoring you. Daddeeo, my idea of turning a woman down is similar or equal her turning you down 100 times. What ever emotional damage she did by turning you down 100 times is equal you turning her down or avoiding her advances she does 1 time. Could you tell her you are interested but it has to be a regular once a week activity?
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Post by Handy on Sept 16, 2018 23:56:38 GMT -5
Daddeeo, when a man gets turned down when he want sex it hurts emotionally. When a woman gets turned down when she wants sex, from reading sex starved women's posts, it seems like turning down a woman hurts their feelings 10 times more than it does when the exact thing (sexual rejection) happens to a man.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 17, 2018 3:17:25 GMT -5
Maybe if the woman is high libido. But for some like my W, its more like meh. Sex seems to be perfunctory. Daddeeo, when a man gets turned down when he want sex it hurts emotionally. When a woman gets turned down when she wants sex, from reading sex starved women's posts, it seems like turning down a woman hurts their feelings 10 times more than it does when the exact thing (sexual rejection) happens to a man.
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