Post by merrygoround on Jun 9, 2017 14:22:46 GMT -5
I'm almost at the end of my break away. I have two full days left.
It took me a good few days to start breathing properly again, for the weight of oppressive emotions to start lifting.
I have found my personality again. I have laughed so much, I smile again. I've had fun and remembered that I am fun to be around too.
I have been so happy here. I have found my confidence, focus. I have hope for a future, a different life outside of this one.
I found myself again. I liked what I found. I don't want to lose that. I dont want to lose me, to pretend, to put on a facade.
And now with two days to go until I return, I find myself crying regularly. I will be going back until the next step. I am scared of what I will have to become again to live through the next stage. I am fearful of losing myself again. How to be in his company again. To feel the weight of it.
My respite is the children home from school for the summer. I can keep myself busy. Always so much to do. I can make myself find things to do.
I don't want to forget being happy. I've missed it. I've missed being me. How long will it be until I feel this way again? What will it do to me until I get this chance again?
The tough conversations. The discussions of plans. The talking to the children. Oh god, the children. May they forgive me. Will they ever understand?
Post by merrygoround on Jun 10, 2017 5:50:00 GMT -5
Thank you baza. I was having some terrible wobbles about it all and it honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach, but what I had gotten from this is that I am absolutely focussed on my exit. Also the fact that we need to speak to the children now sooner rather than later. x