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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 26, 2016 9:54:00 GMT -5
I've been out almost three years. Life has been a mixture of positives and negatives, but I find the negatives are easier to manage on my own. I called my marriage The Land of No, because he was so negative about everything. I lived with that and feeling things were my fault for too long. Even when using "I statements" I feel________ when you_______, I heard "I'm not responsible for your feelings." Not any effort to see how we could work on things to help me feel better. As long as I bent to his needs and he was happy, then the relationship was good (in his eyes). He acted totally shocked that I was unhappy and was thinking of a divorce, even though I had tried to talk with him about the sexlessness. He blamed everything but his own behavior. We went to counseling and it was obvious he wanted the sessions to change me to match his expectations of marriage. I have so much about all of this in my EP stores.....anyway, the counseling ended up helping me gather the strength to ask for a divorce.
I moved out July 2013, the legal finalization was December 2013. It has taken me a while to recover and find myself again. At first I questioned everything I did, and even the smallest choices felt overwhelming. I'm feeling more like the misssunnybunny I know I am, and finding my strength and sense of self again. I am so glad I left, even though it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Without the board on EP I probably would still be stuck and miserable. I'm here to help others, provide any advice and support I can.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2016 10:03:54 GMT -5
I'm not sure where to post here - I'm in the process of divorcing and going through hell. It helps to hear from someone who made it out the other side.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Mar 26, 2016 10:05:53 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing ! My husband always has the " this topic again " look whenever I bring the topic up. He acts like this is very normal and expects that I will stay forever like this,after all, I've spent years accepting this nonsense.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 26, 2016 10:45:59 GMT -5
It was such a process. I have all of it detailed on EP, for however long people can see it. Same name over there. We went to counseling twice, the second one I nicknamed "the crackpot," after she told me seeing my parents have a happy and loving relationship gave me unrealistic expectations of marriage. My now ex said so many things in counseling to make him look like a martyr, and only succeeded in making me more angry with him. That made it even easier to leave! Best of luck to all looking to leave. It isn't easy, but so worth it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2016 12:09:38 GMT -5
Thank you for your post. I think My STBX is the female version of your exH.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 26, 2016 12:55:07 GMT -5
Thank you for your post. I think My STBX is the female version of your exH. Husband or wife, they all seem to share eerily similar characteristics. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2016 14:41:58 GMT -5
Going through that takes a toll on you. It takes time to recover. When I left, almost 10-months ago...actually 10-months tomorrow...I knew I would need at least 6-months to 1-year to recuperate from the stress and how it affected me. I've got two months left, and I am starting to feel more normal, but it's been a hell of a journey. Here's to better tomorrow's. ?
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Post by Dan on Mar 27, 2016 22:42:03 GMT -5
... the second [therapist] I nicknamed "the crackpot," after she told me seeing my parents have a happy and loving relationship gave me unrealistic expectations of marriage. M I N D E Q U A L S B L O W N.
I mean, I can't BELIEVE a therapist would say that. WOW WOW WOW.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 28, 2016 5:03:58 GMT -5
... the second [therapist] I nicknamed "the crackpot," after she told me seeing my parents have a happy and loving relationship gave me unrealistic expectations of marriage. M I N D E Q U A L S B L O W N.
I mean, I can't BELIEVE a therapist would say that. WOW WOW WOW. Yes, and I lost complete respect for her at that point. I was shocked to hear her say that.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 28, 2016 10:22:13 GMT -5
Yes, and I lost complete respect for her at that point. I was shocked to hear her say that. Crazy. I can only guess that her job exposes her to so much negativity that she now sees a good relationship as unrealistic. Perhaps, like a cop losing faith in human goodness. It sounds like she needs to see a therapist herself. ;-) She's lost her ability to guide patients to a good place.
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plainoldme724
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Post by plainoldme724 on Mar 29, 2016 17:17:24 GMT -5
Divorce is never easy. I was married for nearly 40 years...yes...stupid...got married really young. And not until very late in the marriage did she admit in counselling, that she was never in love with me. I knew it...probably from the beginning. But I refused to be such a loser that I would leave a beautiful woman, and, I was in love with her family...so, I stayed. And in nearly 40 years, we had sex a handful of times. When we did, she was non responsive...no noise, no foreplay, one orgasm, (for her), and no post play...no smiles, closed mouthed kisses, no passion, nothing but missionary...no oral, no different positions, etc...and again, only a few times ever in 40 years...and most of those times were to conceive. After our second was born, no sex ever again. And I stayed. I still have to ask myself "why". She constantly threatened me that she would destroy me and make sure I never had a relationship with my kids if I ever tried to leave her. She was demeaning, unsupportive, controlling, mean, evil, vindictive, condescending, contemptible, and down right nasty. I found out years later, she bad mouthed me to her friends constantly...told them, "as soon as my kids are out of school, I am leaving him"...that turned into, "as soon as my kids graduate college, I am leaving him". She was using me. I was so distraught, I wished for death to come to my rescue...even planned suicide...tried it once...but no one ever found out. Then, I had an affair. Then another...then another. Strange as it sounds, those affairs saved my life. It showed me that even though the woman who was suppose to love me HATED me and found me disgusting, (even though I had a great body...was a body builder), OTHER women found me attractive and sexy enough to want to get me into bed. In 2011, I filed for divorce...a no fault divorce...offered her the fancy house in the fancy neighborhood, and half of everything and yet, she refused. She drug it out, as one can do in our state. Finally, by accident, maybe fate, if you believe in such a thing, I met and fell in love with the most wonderful woman...and I was NOT going to allow this opportunity to pass me by, so, I came out with the truth. My wife went ballistic. But, that's what she needed me to do...she needed me to meet someone, so she could appear the victim and I would appear the dick. By September, I hope it will all be final, but she is putting me through pure hell. She doesn't pay for her attorney because that slimeball, ambulance chasing, low life is the son of her best friend...he and she do everything they can to cause me problems...stealing marital property, suing me for spousal support, even though she has a career and retirement, turning my adult children against me, (she lived up to her threat of destroying me and my relationship with my kids), bad mouthing me all over town...lies. I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic abusive lunatic, and I promised to never strike a woman nor a child...and I never have...and in the entire time I have known her, I not only never struck her nor the kids, I never abused her in any way...and I lavished her with everything I could...even if I had to work several jobs to pay for it. I also gave my ingrate adult children everything I could, working several jobs to do that. And now?...I am the bad guy. My son is just now starting to reconnect. My wife continues to try to destroy me in any way she can. But...I needed to get out. My regret is that I didn't have the guts to leave many years ago, before I had so much to lose. If any of you are staying for reasons only you would understand, (that's something folk HAVE to get through their heads...even though we stay, our reasons are valid, VERY valid, to us), please take some advice...don't wait like I did...until you wait, want, and hope for death...get out while you still have SOME self image and esteem. I hope I can be happy with my new love, but she and I have been living separate for 7 months because of circumstances...and we haven't seen one another...and I am growing impatient...wondering if this new woman in my life really loves me, really wants me. But even if she and I don't work out, I still needed to get out of that poisonous, dangerous, demeaning, disgusting excuse for a marriage.
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plainoldme724
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Post by plainoldme724 on Mar 29, 2016 17:20:56 GMT -5
Forgot to mention...very important...that the last 16 years of our marriage, my wife and I lived in separate bedrooms and led separate lives.
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Post by Admin on Mar 30, 2016 12:22:26 GMT -5
Forgot to mention...very important...that the last 16 years of our marriage, my wife and I lived in separate bedrooms and led separate lives. To add "just a bit" to a post, consider using the "Edit" button. Also -- for readability of long passages -- consider inserting some blank lines to delimit paragraphs.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 30, 2016 13:10:32 GMT -5
plainoldme, I hope you are able to get out and settle into a comfortable, new life. It is such an ordeal to leave, but getting away rom the negativity is so worth it in the end. It took me several years to work up the courage and self esteem to even say I wanted to divorce, and many baby steps later I am on my own. Be sure to take care of yourself in a positive way during the process.
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Post by sand5280 on Mar 30, 2016 14:53:58 GMT -5
She constantly threatened me that she would destroy me and make sure I never had a relationship with my kids if I ever tried to leave her... She is putting me through pure hell... I hope I can be happy with my new love, but she and I have been living separate for 7 months because of circumstances...and we haven't seen one another...and I am growing impatient...wondering if this new woman in my life really loves me, really wants me. But even if she and I don't work out, I still needed to get out of that poisonous, dangerous, demeaning, disgusting excuse for a marriage. This was a huge big load of information all at once, you must have been exhausted upon finishing. I admire you for your courage to get it all written. I'm sure I'm not the only one, who hopes you will keep us up to date.
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