tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Oct 27, 2017 5:33:29 GMT -5
Update...I put my big girl pants on and left my “husband” I hate to call him my husband because that word inaccurately describes who this person is/was to me. I’ve had enough of the emotional abuse and the disgusting lies I’ve been fed for so long. Leaving him is not the hard part, it’s leaving behind the familiar that’s tough and very sad. I’ve decided that I won’t be a willing player in his sick game anymore. He is perfectly content living a life of lies while destroying mine. I imagine this will be a roller coaster of emotions and I know I’ll have to dig down and find strength but I believe I’m worth it😊
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Post by h on Oct 27, 2017 5:45:26 GMT -5
Congratulations on the positive step forward! You can do this!
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 27, 2017 5:48:29 GMT -5
Tori, Congrats on having the courage to leave.
You have a support system here that includes several who also chose divorce. Lots of valuable info here and lots of people who will answer questions and offer support.
How is the divorce proceeding? I hope you are protecting yourself by using a good lawyer, not mediation. I also hope you are continuing your therapy. It also would be very wise to see a financial planner.
How old are you? I divorced at age 62 after 34 years of marriage. I had not worked in more than a dozen years. That was 4 years ago. I am doing fine.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Oct 27, 2017 6:04:32 GMT -5
Tori, Congrats on having the courage to leave. You have a support system here that includes several who also chose divorce. Lots of valuable info here and lots of people who will answer questions and offer support. How is the divorce proceeding? I hope you are protecting yourself by using a good lawyer, not mediation. I also hope you are continuing your therapy. It also would be very wise to see a financial planner. How old are you? I divorced at age 62 after 34 years of marriage. I had not worked in more than a dozen years. That was 4 years ago. I am doing fine. Thank you for your support! It’s comforting to hear examples of success...gives me hope😊. I am in early stages of finding counsel and am in my early 40s. There is one other obstacle that I can’t post here in fear of giving away my identity but I’m working on that too.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Oct 27, 2017 6:05:42 GMT -5
Congratulations on the positive step forward! You can do this! Thanks h!!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 27, 2017 6:12:05 GMT -5
Congrats Tori
That took a lot of courage. You are so young and you have so much life ahead of you. Find your happiness! Hugs
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 27, 2017 6:15:40 GMT -5
I’m glad you are planning on using a lawyer. I am not sure what “early stages” of looking for a lawyer means. I hope it means you are meeting in person with them and getting their advice and insights.
Otherwise, you may be putting yourself at risk of losing financially a great deal because in some places, you would be considered to have abandoned your marriage. In addition, you are giving your husband time and the opportunity to do everything possible to hurt you financially in the divorce. He might close financial accounts or hide money.
At least in the US, many lawyers don’t charge for the first visit, the consultation. Also, if you consult with a lawyer, your husband would not be able to hire that lawyer.
Where I live in the US, if a marriage is at least 10 years, partners jointly own all assets 50:50 except those acquired vis inheritance. They also are jointly responsible for debts acquired during the marriage.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Oct 27, 2017 6:24:54 GMT -5
I’m glad you are planning on using a lawyer. I am not sure what “early stages” of looking for a lawyer means. I hope it means you are meeting in person with them and getting their advice and insights. Otherwise, you may be putting yourself at risk of losing financially a great deal because in some places, you would be considered to have abandoned your marriage. In addition, you are giving your husband time and the opportunity to do everything possible to hurt you financially in the divorce. He might close financial accounts or hide money. At least in the US, many lawyers don’t charge for the first visit, the consultation. Also, if you consult with a lawyer, your husband would not be able to hire that lawyer. Where I live in the US, if a marriage is at least 10 years, partners jointly own all assets 50:50 except those acquired vis inheritance. They also are jointly responsible for debts acquired during the marriage. I have set up 2 consultations next week. Actually, our finances were kept separately which looking back was to keep me from seeing all the money withdrawn to pay for escorts I’m sure. In any event, I will probably be out the money I’ve spent on home improvements to his house. I’m living with my family at the moment which is where I need to be considering my parents ailing health.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 27, 2017 6:27:42 GMT -5
Wishing you the best!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 27, 2017 7:24:05 GMT -5
Well done! From your first post on this thread to this last it is amazing to hear the power seeping into your voice tori. Best of luck moving forward!
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 27, 2017 7:40:40 GMT -5
Well done on summoning the moxie to take yourself out of this farce. And don't feel like the "Lone Ranger" in having been deceived by someone who used you and the marriage to hide their real sexual orientation. When I was roughly 20 I was dating a beautiful young woman. She was quite a looker and competed in beauty pageants for fun and money. We had a great sex life. But she wanted to marry and I simply could not make that happen as I was paying my own way through college. So she broke if off with me. Some time later she met an assistant school principle looking to move up in the systems hierarchy. He didn't pursue her sexually, but did have her believing it was because he respected her and wanted to wait until marriage, So she married him. Their Vegas honeymoon was spoiled for her when he spent the night with one of he bellboys. It took her 5 yrs. to get beyond her shame at having allowed herself to be deceived. Again, I wish you the well as you put this sham behind you and hope better days are ahead for you.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 27, 2017 8:05:32 GMT -5
Tori, just FYI in case you're thinking something is wrong with you for picking such a man. There's every indication that he took advantage of your being a kind person. In other words, he has the problem: being a manipulative sociopath. Three of my friends married (and divorced) gay men. Two of the women are social workers. One is a nutritionist. All were young and naive when they got married. They thought their boyfriends were being gentlemanly or very religious by not pressing for sex. Interesting article here: "There’s a certain type of woman who marries a gay man, according to Kaye and Barbetta. She’s a caregiver, a nurturer, a fixer-upper." www.out.com/news-opinion/2015/8/13/meet-women-who-pick-pieces-after-their-husbands-come-outAn organization for spouses who learn their spouses are gay: www.straightspouse.org/
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Oct 27, 2017 17:29:09 GMT -5
Tori, just FYI in case you're thinking something is wrong with you for picking such a man. There's every indication that he took advantage of your being a kind person. In other words, he has the problem: being a manipulative sociopath. Three of my friends married (and divorced) gay men. Two of the women are social workers. One is a nutritionist. All were young and naive when they got married. They thought their boyfriends were being gentlemanly or very religious by not pressing for sex. Interesting article here: "There’s a certain type of woman who marries a gay man, according to Kaye and Barbetta. She’s a caregiver, a nurturer, a fixer-upper." www.out.com/news-opinion/2015/8/13/meet-women-who-pick-pieces-after-their-husbands-come-outAn organization for spouses who learn their spouses are gay: www.straightspouse.org/thank you so much for this!! I’m all of the above which made me a target. I belong to this group but could never bring myself to participate in any of their activities...I think I’ll start going. They have these wonderful parties and I could use the support.
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Oct 27, 2017 17:34:56 GMT -5
Well done on summoning the moxie to take yourself out of this farce. And don't feel like the "Lone Ranger" in having been deceived by someone who used you and the marriage to hide their real sexual orientation. When I was roughly 20 I was dating a beautiful young woman. She was quite a looker and competed in beauty pageants for fun and money. We had a great sex life. But she wanted to marry and I simply could not make that happen as I was paying my own way through college. So she broke if off with me. Some time later she met an assistant school principle looking to move up in the systems hierarchy. He didn't pursue her sexually, but did have her believing it was because he respected her and wanted to wait until marriage, So she married him. Their Vegas honeymoon was spoiled for her when he spent the night with one of he bellboys. It took her 5 yrs. to get beyond her shame at having allowed herself to be deceived. Again, I wish you the well as you put this sham behind you and hope better days are ahead for you. [ Thank you!! Its so sad to hear there are others whose lives have been hijacked. Do you know he still denies what he’s done? Very sick individual.
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Post by Caris on Oct 27, 2017 21:08:17 GMT -5
@lostsoul omg...heterosexual men do NOT suck cock! This is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I know this may not make sense: I once went down on a woman. With a great review, in fact. And yet, I identify as heterosexual. Would I do it again? Perhaps. Ultimately, however, I derive the most pleasure from sexual relations with a man. I don't identify as bisexual. Then you are bi, or bi curious, not straight. A straight women would find it repulsive to have sex with another woman, especially oral. I’m straight, and the thought alone makes me feel ill.
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