|
Post by shamwow on Jun 21, 2017 12:57:22 GMT -5
T-Plus-5: Move out of house T-Minus-5: Divorce Finalized? T-Minus-10: Move into new house
So the closing was two days ago. Very businesslike. Everything since...very businesslike. Pretty much like the way our marriage has been for a very very long time. As someone mentioned to me...not much marriage in our marriage. Such a true statement.
So the weird part is that the following situation doesn't feel weird at all:
We both moved into my parent's house with the kids while each of our houses gets ready. My parents have cousins in from Ohio and my sister and her kids are also staying. We eat together, talk together, even laugh together some. Sometimes we go upstairs and talk divorce stuff. Cancel this account or get this repair guy out. It's surreal that there isn't any drama, but there never was any drama. No passion. After we take off the rings, nothing will change. We will remain successful "business partners" because we both care so much about our kids.
The reason there is a question mark on the final divorce date is that there may be paperwork review issues that push it, but it will only be by a few days. I've waited 20 years. I can wait a couple more days if needed.
I'm trying to make the shift from thinking about this damn marriage all the time to being optimistic about the future. Every time I try to do so, my mind always wanders back to my current situation. I imagine that time will heal that, especially once we are divorced and no longer under the same roof.
I am thinking about going skydiving in the very near future as a symbolic way of breaking with the past (I've done it before, but it's been like 25 years). If the weather forecast looks good this weekend, I think I will. Then I'll jump on my motorcycle and head out for a weekend overnight while my wife takes the kids to the beach for the weekend. It will be the last weekend we're still married. Seems sad, but fitting we spend it apart.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jun 21, 2017 13:11:40 GMT -5
It seems like a "nice" (I know that's not the word I actually want to use) transition for you guys in a way. You all moved from the house you shared, now staying in a different one and soon the next step -- separate ways. That is when it will likely set in a bit more, I imagine. I like the idea of doing something that symbolizes the closing of one chapter and the opening of a new one for you. You are handling this so well -- for what it's worth and as meaningless as those words might seem.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 21, 2017 14:46:35 GMT -5
It seems like a "nice" (I know that's not the word I actually want to use) transition for you guys in a way. You all moved from the house you shared, now staying in a different one and soon the next step -- separate ways. That is when it will likely set in a bit more, I imagine. I like the idea of doing something that symbolizes the closing of one chapter and the opening of a new one for you. You are handling this so well -- for what it's worth and as meaningless as those words might seem. I totally get what you mean by a "nice" transition. I think you're right that it will set in more when we have completely separated ways. And actually, it matters a LOT to me that I'm doing this well. The fact that I will be able to walk out with my head held high, faithful till the end (and honestly, that wouldn't have held up much longer if I stayed...3 years is a long time, especially for a guy) is really important to me. Much of the credit goes to my stbx, actually. She could have made this a LOT worse than it has been. We are two good people who probably never should have gotten married. Now we will just be two good people walking separate paths in life, continuing to work hard to give our kids the best life possible.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 22, 2017 12:46:49 GMT -5
T-Plus-6: Move out of house T-Minus-4: Divorce Finalized? T-Minus-9: Move into new house
Last night, I took money from the house to pay off my daughter's car. My wife paid off the two credit card bills and is removing my name from those accounts. With that? Our finances are officially separated. The numbers have been sent to the attorney for the final divorce decree. I still don't have a final date yet, but I imagine it will be next week sometime.
She is still a few thousand dollars "ahead" of me in the divorce, so I suggested that perhaps she take on the few hundred dollars of bills left that we haven't received yet. She wants to "talk" about that tonight which means that she doesn't think that's fair. So we will split them most likely. Maybe that's me caving. Maybe that's me realizing that the years of take take take on the money side is drawing to and end. And who cares about one last withdrawal at the ATM. The key is that it is the last withdrawal.
Right now, The stage 1 rocket has expended its fuel (the move). The stress of that is gone. Hell, the house itself is gone. I will miss that house greatly (more than the wife TBH), but it is just a house.
I'm preparing for the second stage to ignite. That stage will put me into orbit, and is the divorce itself. We are getting paperwork together.
So this weekend, I have a few choices on what to do. No divorce prep to do. No getting house ready. Wife has kids. I have a little side work to do. So here is my question...I have a few ideas how to spend what is essentially my first weekend by myself:
- Hang out at my parents - Skydiving (weather permitting) - Overnight motorcycle trip (destination depends on weather, but probably Texas hill country) - Go to Surfside and see if I can get surfing lessons - Camping (all my gear in storage though...would need to unpack) - Go to gun range - Go shopping for stuff for the new house
Due to a quirk in how the custody calendar works, I'll have the kids the first two weekends in July (yeah!), so this weekend I am looking to do something that breaks with the past and starts off a new chapter. Other suggestions are also welcome.
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 22, 2017 14:44:04 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2017 14:44:04 GMT -5
She is still a few thousand dollars "ahead" of me in the divorce, so I suggested that perhaps she take on the few hundred dollars of bills left that we haven't received yet. She wants to "talk" about that tonight which means that she doesn't think that's fair. So we will split them most likely. Maybe that's me caving. - Go to Surfside and see if I can get surfing lessons Who's name are these bills in? Your name? Be thankful for half. Joint name? You are asking a taker to give? (rainbows and unicorns) Her name? No longer your concern. A few thousand? Count your blessings! Tropical storm Cindy just passed. Call ahead. many times the day or two after gives nice long clean lines! The down side is all the sea weed and large debris in the water. Jelly fish (Portuguese Man-O-war) and strong rip currents.
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 22, 2017 15:34:01 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Jun 22, 2017 15:34:01 GMT -5
shamwow I vote for a motorcycle trip with an overnight stay at a nice busy resort with lots of people to flirt with. Gun range sounds fun too! Have a great weekend!
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2017 15:40:51 GMT -5
Skydiving does sound like a very uplifting way, to get back down to earth!
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 22, 2017 15:41:30 GMT -5
Post by shamwow on Jun 22, 2017 15:41:30 GMT -5
shamwow I vote for a motorcycle trip with an overnight stay at a nice busy resort with lots of people to flirt with. Gun range sounds fun too! Have a great weekend! Ha! I think I'll have to pick. I only own a shotgun and a rifle. Not sure how I'd look Terminator 2 style riding down the road on my motorcycle with a shotgun in one hand!
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 22, 2017 15:43:40 GMT -5
She is still a few thousand dollars "ahead" of me in the divorce, so I suggested that perhaps she take on the few hundred dollars of bills left that we haven't received yet. She wants to "talk" about that tonight which means that she doesn't think that's fair. So we will split them most likely. Maybe that's me caving. - Go to Surfside and see if I can get surfing lessons Who's name are these bills in? Your name? Be thankful for half. Joint name? You are asking a taker to give? (rainbows and unicorns) Her name? No longer your concern. A few thousand? Count your blessings! Tropical storm Cindy just passed. Call ahead. many times the day or two after gives nice long clean lines! The down side is all the sea weed and large debris in the water. Jelly fish (Portuguese Man-O-war) and strong rip currents. Her name is on the bills, but we're talking about $600, split 2 ways about $300. I'm not going to sweat it either way. It does just reinforce my role as an ATM with an undesired appendage and reaffirm my decision to GTFO.
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 22, 2017 16:05:46 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2017 16:05:46 GMT -5
Who's name are these bills in? Your name? Be thankful for half. Joint name? You are asking a taker to give? (rainbows and unicorns) Her name? No longer your concern. A few thousand? Count your blessings! Tropical storm Cindy just passed. Call ahead. many times the day or two after gives nice long clean lines! The down side is all the sea weed and large debris in the water. Jelly fish (Portuguese Man-O-war) and strong rip currents. Her name is on the bills, but we're talking about $600, split 2 ways about $300. I'm not going to sweat it either way. It does just reinforce my role as an ATM with an undesired appendage and reaffirm my decision to GTFO. Sure I get what your saying. Kind of a "why rock the boat?" Ponder this approach, The two of you have 5 more years of co-parenting to do. This seems like a fine, small, opportunity to begin setting boundaries and gaining respect that has been discarded for a long time, by simply saying "NO". Or ask a simple question, "who's name are they in?" Then tell her, "there's your answer, you are responsible, end of discussion." Were these things you jointly decided to spend a fixed amount on? (I doubt it) What can she do about it? They are in her name. Time for her to put on her big girl panties. You are actually helping both of you. You would not even be taking. What is wrong with her being responsible? (my STBX LOVES that word----"It's your responsibility!" ...said in a bitchy tone. Even when , clearly it is not)
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 22, 2017 16:24:12 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Jun 22, 2017 16:24:12 GMT -5
shamwow I vote for a motorcycle trip with an overnight stay at a nice busy resort with lots of people to flirt with. Gun range sounds fun too! Have a great weekend! Ha! I think I'll have to pick. I only own a shotgun and a rifle. Not sure how I'd look Terminator 2 style riding down the road on my motorcycle with a shotgun in one hand! Two words: Shades & Trenchcoat!
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 9:38:40 GMT -5
T-Plus-7: Move out of house T-Minus-3: Divorce Finalized? T-Minus-8: Move into new house
Still no feedback from the attorney on the divorce decree. It's a little annoying since she said there wouldn't be any problems getting her the info this week and getting the divorce done on Monday, but it is what it is. Quack. She does tell me to not worry about the date. I guess that's easier to say when it's not you going through the divorce and being SO close to it being done.
Talked with wife about the bills, and apparently she was indignant that I was looking to "change the deal". I could tell she was spoiling for a fight, and I was actually smiling a bit inside as I refused to take the bait. I told her "Fine. No big deal, we will split the bills as we originally discussed." She brought it up again, and I said the same thing. She brought it up a third time, and I said the same thing. Then she got mad that I wasn't going to argue and told me I'm being rude for not "discussing" it.
I left the room with a smile. Sure, I'll pay a few hundred bucks, but I'm done being goaded into arguments in which I will always cave because I'm the "nice guy". You may argue that I DID cave, but I disagree. I learned an important lesson on what levels of flexibility I can expect (at least as it comes to money) in the future. I will be EXTREMELY careful in the future about what I say I will and will not do, and efforts to be "generous" will no longer be made. A few hundred bucks to learn this lesson was well worth the tuition.
I've got everything lined up for the move next week. This morning on the drive in, I stopped by a taco truck, chatted a bit in Spanish with the lady behind the counter, enjoyed driving through the piney woods where my parents live back to civilization. I still don't know what my plans are for this weekend (rain is putting a "damper" on them...pun intended), but more than likely, I will do some side work to rebuild my funds. If the weather looks good, I'll do an overnight motorcycle ride.
One thing I'm already starting to notice. Since we moved out of the house and came to agreement on the final numbers, I am feeling more and more at peace. That isn't necessarily the same thing as happy, but the constant stress of my shitty marriage is already beginning to taper I think. I am so hoping that at this point, out of sight, out of mind is true. If so, I have some good reason to expect I will heal and even better reason for optimism in the future.
Does that mean I will live in a land of happiness and fluffy unicorns? Nope. Does it mean that I will be able to stop suffering for absolutely no reason? Perhaps.
|
|
|
T-Minus
Jun 23, 2017 9:43:17 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by merrygoround on Jun 23, 2017 9:43:17 GMT -5
At peace - yeah I get that. Feels like you can finally take in a full lung-full of air and breathe properly again. Nice one, shamwow x
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 27, 2017 16:48:24 GMT -5
T-Plus-11: Move out of house T-Minus-?: Divorce Finalized T-Minus-4: Move into new house
Houston, we have a misfire on the second stage....
My lawyer is taking forever in getting my initial divorce decree drafted. So while technically the necessary 61 days have passed since I filed I can't pull the trigger. In reality it will take a few days to get me the document, review it, get it to my wife's attorney for review with my wife. I'm hoping to get all of this done this week, but honestly if we don't see serious progress ASAP, it may be pushed until past July 5. Yuck...but it really makes no difference. But all the assets are liquidated and ready to split. We are already living under the custody arrangement we agreed on, and things are still amicable. If anything we are both annoyed at my attorney for not getting this done as promised. So I move before being divorced? Who cares? It is of no real consequence.
What I wanted to discuss today is a follow up on my post last week about being at relative peace.
Last Friday after work, I took off on my motorcycle heading from Houston to San Antonio. As I left town, I slipped off my wedding ring and put it on my key chain. My wife and I agreed to do this after the divorce went final, but this ride was about me clearing my head. I couldn't do that with the ring on my finger, so it came off.
It is my custom on motorcycle trips to select a single album and put it on repeat for the entire trip (or at least until I can no longer tolerate it). The reason for this is that the music and the trip kind of fuse themselves together so that in the future when I hear songs from that album, it gives me almost a flashback to particular moments. On this trip, I used Three Doors Down - The Time of My Life. Many of the songs on this album talk about letting go of relationships and feeling optimistic about the future. It seemed an amazingly appropriate soundtrack on this particular trip.
On Friday night I rolled into San Antonio slightly after dark. I checked into an OK hotel and headed down to the river walk for some dinner. I've been to San Antonio many times, and many romantic couples visit, holding hands as they stroll down the river. In the past, that has caused me to alternate between seething anger and depression as I continuously wondered why that can't be me? What have I done wrong? What can I do better? Why doesn't my wife love me? Am I even worthy of love? What's the matter with me? Sound familiar? It's pretty much everyone's initial post on this forum. Yet, as I sat on the river eating my fajitas, I gave myself permission to forget those memories. Yes, I was by myself on the river, but I was less alone than I have been over the years in situation after situation with my wife. I smiled. I relaxed. I saw lovers strolling down the sidewalk and realized that when I wanted that, it would be mine. I wished them well.
The next morning, I slept in a bit. I stopped in an old Catholic church near the river. To my utter surprise, I entered, applied holy water to my fingers, gave myself the sign of the cross, and yet did not burst into flames! I am not a Christian, but I still prayed. When I do pray, I almost always pray for others. I this case, my kids, some of the people on this forum, even my wife were the subject du jour with the man upstairs. After I got some breakfast, I headed out to Kerrville, TX. I dropped my backpack at the hotel and continued onward to my final destination in Leakey, TX. Leaky has a series of roads known as the Three Twisted Sisters. It is some of the best riding in Texas, and I was looking forward to it. I've ridden the sisters once before, but today was different somehow. Rain had come in and cooled the temperature from 104 degrees the day previous to 84 degrees, but then the rain disappeared. Perfection. A I rode, words from the album I had selected penetrated my ears...
There's one who takes it all And there's one who takes the fall One who never wins And there's one who stands again
The past two decades have been an amazingly difficult struggle for me. And yet, I realized that the main struggle has always been with myself. For years and years, I was a good martyr. I knew I was in a shitty marriage. I knew that it wasn't going to get better. I knew that I owned the choice of staying. For years, it was "for the kids", but eventually was because I honestly thought I was not worthy of love. The mind fuck on me was complete. But a funny thing happened one day. I snapped. I was giving yet another edition of "the talk". I need intimacy. We are just roommates. Yada yada yada. I had hurt my back and not even starfish sex was possible for me. At that point, I said to myself if she wanted to stay married, it was going to be up to her. I waited for her to improve, knowing it was in vain. My suspicions were proven right, and in January of this year I told her I wanted a divorce. It was my turn, after being taken for 2 decades to finally stand again.
So for the past 6 months, I have worked to get on my own two feet emotionally and spiritually even as I tried to help her do the same financially. See, I don't hate her. I actually kind of pity her. My wife is just running the clock out on life. She has no interests, hobbies, passions other than, perhaps, the kids. And the kids will be on their own in just a few short years. As I rode the sharp bends and steep hills of the three sisters, more lyrics spoke to me:
You used to be all that I had, Now you're just not what I need, I've got to get over you and I know, Then I can get back to me.
I had poured so much of my life and soul into my marriage, always asking why it sucked so bad. Always putting her needs before my own. And now? That is over. It is done. But after 20 years, I've been "institutionalized". I need to learn how to be myself all over again. The only way to do this is to allow myself to let go:
It's time to let you go, it's what we have to do It's time to give this up, I think that we both knew There's nothing left to say, there's nothing left to prove And now it's time to turn and walk away from What's left of me and you
As we get closer to the divorce being finalized, things have become more businesslike. And we've always been good at the "business" part of the marriage...raising our kids. The problem is we have always been pretty shitty at the "marriage" part of our marriage. As the sun started its descent for the day, I pulled off to the side of the road. I sat on a large flat rock overlooking 5 "layers" of valleys. I sat in meditation for some time, counting breaths and clearing my mind. Then I picked up a rock and threw it over the ledge. As it flew from my hand, I said "putting everyone else's needs above my own". I took another and as it flew through the air said "needing to know 'why' on everything". I chunked "I'm not worthy", "I don't deserve happiness", and "There is something wrong with me" into the abyss. As a not-insignificant pile of stones clattered in the valley below, I gradually let go of many of the untruths I have been hanging onto to justify me staying in my marriage. Again, lyrics went through my head.
But I didn't have to lie to myself for so long I didn't have to let myself get so far gone
Along with the rocks, I realized I need to allow myself to forgive...myself. I can't let go while I'm constantly beating myself up. This was probably the most profound realization of the trip.
As the sun started to set, I still had about an hour of travel to get back to my hotel, and needed to get some chow. As I made my way back towards Kerville, I spied the Guadalupe river and on an impulse decided to take a dip. I'd thrown my swimsuit into my saddle bags and changed (in a restroom...don't want to get on a sex offender list quite yet). As the dirt, grime, and splattered bugs of the road washed off me I just floated, letting the gentle current carry me downstream. After a while, I got out and changed back into my clothes. I found a good restaurant called the Cowboy Steakhouse and scarfed down a steak, ribs, salad, and glass after glass of cold water. Yes, I'm still sober. Coming up on 6 months. God, I was tempted a couple times this trip (I mean, hell...nobody would know), but I put my faith in a higher power and kept on the wagon.
I went back to my room and slept in yet again. I got breakfast at the hotel and jumped back on the bike. More lyrics singing in my head. This really was a great day and I am filled with optimism.
Oh, I'm gonna race for the morning sun I can't wait for the day that's on it's way I'm gonna race for the morning sun And it's gonna shine on me Oh, it's gonna shine
I'm gonna take everything I want And won't get lost in what I don't I just hide it all inside and I keep moving on
As I headed home, I stopped in Fredricksberg, TX. It's a neat little town in the middle of Texas's wine country. It is the one place that I like window shopping in. There is one store that has a "man cave" in the back. The cave has swords, knives, and all sorts of manly things. Being the manly man I am, I picked up a neat looking knife. Perhaps I can use it to cut a T-shirt off a willing lady at some point? Hmmmmmmm....
I was still feeling optimistic as I raced east towards the morning sun. I stopped at Perdanalles Falls State Park. There is a natural kind of rock waterslide I once went to with my daughter and I wanted to find it again. It didn't take long to find it and after changing into my swimsuit (no bathroom this time but hell I was out in nature anyway), immersed myself into the cold spring fed lagoon. It felt great and I relaxed as I just sat, closed my eyes, and counted my breaths. After an indeterminate time I opened my eyes and no-shit there were 6 fish lined up looking at me with a "WTF" fishy look on their fishy faces. I decided to show them what was up as I climbed a 20 foot high rock formation (mostly basalt) and stood over the lagoon. I screamed "Geronimo!" and jumped. I hit the water hard and it felt great as I sank probably 10 feet into the 30 foot lagoon. As I broke the service, I let out a "Yeah!" yell. Smiling, I swam to shore. I sat a little while longer and headed back to Houston.
I caught some rain on the way home, but was rewarded with a damn nice rainbow. If you ride a bike, you're gonna get wet, so it was a good trade off. You don't always get a rainbow, though.
As I rolled into my folk's place (where I am staying for the rest of this week until my new rent house is available), I reflected on an amazing weekend. Today, we are working on the final divorce petition. It will probably be done tomorrow or the day after. With the holiday weekend, it will be finalized before the court sometime late next week I'd imagine. But that's fine. I just enjoyed my first weekend of true freedom since I was in my early 20's. I've got a long, hard road ahead. I hold no illusions that last weekend was anything other than a mountaintop experience.
But God Damn...the world looked pretty good from on top of that mountain.
|
|
bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by bigbossfan on Jun 27, 2017 17:07:46 GMT -5
I know I'm new here....but your story has been very inspirational. Good luck on the rest of your journey my friend.
|
|