I just remembered a odd fact: my mom -- for some reason when I was a teen -- brought up marital infidelity out of the blue, and said "your father and I discussed it, and we agreed if it ever happened that we just wouldn't want to know." Or something like that.
At the time, I took it in stride -- I guess I was not "aware" enough to question why in the world she just volunteered that information. At the moment.... I'm flabbergasted! (I really don't want to indulge in any conjecture of WHY she said that; please don't bother posting your thoughts on it.)
BUT the seed was sewn. I think that little nugget was one of the cobbles that paved the path leading me to the gate where I actually considered stepping outside my marriage.
I have told my children and my students - if you ever do something wrong and want to get away with it then you tell no one. Good for your mom!
Loos lips sink ships.
There is a reason why the ways of the wise call it the "Ancient Virtue of Silence".
Infidelity is still the number one cause of divorce (Amato, Previti 2003).
This stat BUGS THE CRAP out of me.
It is like saying "the number one cause of auto accidents is loss of control of the vehicle". No duh: if the driver had full control of the vehicle, wouldn't he/she have avoided the accident?
There was SOMETHING that lead to the infidelity, no? Sexual incompatibility... the experience of philandering parents... antisocial behaviors (violence, drug use, gambling) that drove one spouse in to the arms of someone else... and so on.
This is akin to my disdain for the term "homewrecker", a woman who has an affair with a married man that leads to a divorce. Wasn't the home probably already wrecked if he went off the reservation? Could be the husband's shortcomings or the wife's... but I don't see how the blame can be pinned squarely on the "other woman".
@dan to be honest, before joining ILIASM, my analysis STOPPED at the perceived cause . . . the "homewrecker" as you put it.
Now after hours on this ILIASM Forum, an affair is a "SYMPTOM" it is the result, it is the effect, the cause is as you put it - something not working in the marriage. Who is "right" and who is "wrong"? Oh we can debate that too, but for all of us here, me for sure, the focus is on the WHY.
I think 100% not but probably just me that this used to only help the person that had the affair relieve guilt or on advice to "help the marriage" somehow but usually ends up only causing the other person extreme pain and hurt not relieving guilt or helping the marriage. Probably about the worst advice to do but that's just me