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Post by h on May 4, 2017 13:50:07 GMT -5
Up until now, I believed that my W understood my needs, sympathized with me, cared enough to occasionally meet my needs, and just let other things get in the way too often. Now, it is clear that she doesn't understand my needs at all, her lack of understanding means she is incapable of sympathy, her lack of effort in trying to understand me means she doesn't care enough to bother, and she is probably grateful for (and intentionally creates) many of the issues that get in the way of meeting my needs. I am so happy to see the change in your attitude. You came here recently saying that you just couldn't divorce, and she was a wonderful wife except for the sex. Now you are starting to realize that the sexual refusal is really just a symptom of a much more serious problem: She really had no sympathy, doesn't care, and creates reasons to avoid sex. In my opinion, those are all characteristics of someone who does not love you!!
Perhaps I was already teetering on the edge and just needed to be snapped out of my delusion.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 4, 2017 14:25:57 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2017 17:03:53 GMT -5
I am so happy to see the change in your attitude. You came here recently saying that you just couldn't divorce, and she was a wonderful wife except for the sex. Now you are starting to realize that the sexual refusal is really just a symptom of a much more serious problem: She really had no sympathy, doesn't care, and creates reasons to avoid sex. In my opinion, those are all characteristics of someone who does not love you!!
Perhaps I was already teetering on the edge and just needed to be snapped out of my delusion. Or as the AA folks say, you are having a moment of clarity.
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Post by unmatched on May 4, 2017 17:23:05 GMT -5
It's easy to hide romantic aversion to a person (often as a result of contempt or disgust), as a higher love, by cloaking it in the chaffe of "but everything else is great". You fill your life with activities, work, recreation - all the things you would have skipped to have sex before, or in addition to. Ouch!!! But true...
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Post by allworkandnoplay on May 4, 2017 21:27:22 GMT -5
Careful here. I have not moved to another bedroom, but I stopped all of those other pretenses a long time ago. I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore (that's actually a longer story - maybe later). No reaction; Nothing... Occasionally, when she is angry and itching to fight she will throw it out there that "I don't make her feel wanted" or she feels "unattractive". However, most of the time she is content to stay in her part of the house and me in mine. So, in this respect it was a backfire, inasmuch as it did not result in a desired change of attitude or behavior. "No reaction: Nothing" Why should there be? She got what she wanted! Now she doesn't have to give you crumbs. She has even more control. She's happy with giving you even less respect. "I don't make her feel wanted" or she feels "unattractive". More whining ,blaming, chipping away at any sense of independence you may be showing, by making you think that YOU are the cause of these problems. While she continues to play the innocent victim. (voice of experience) For the record, I was not expecting change - it was just an observation after the fact. I just finally told myself I would no longer play any games. Perhaps I went a little too far to the passive aggressive side, but oh, well (as if this whole line of thinking isn't passive aggressive enough). I have said many times that she is getting the relationship she wants through all of this. I was simply trying to point out that if you do these things hoping for or expecting a change, or even some kind of reaction, you might be disappointed. And big thumbs up to your last sentiment. Trust me, her tactics are not lost on me. I just try not to engage them. However, there are times when I ask myself - with all honesty - does she have to think about her words, actions, and reactions or do these things just come naturally?
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Post by h on May 5, 2017 13:07:31 GMT -5
Update: since Tuesday night's cold silent treatment I have not had any physical contact with the W or spoken to her about anything other than routine stuff (bills, chores...). I will still not say for certain that I will leave since I still believe that people can change but I refuse to live the way I have. This morning I think she was starting to finally crack. One way or another, things are going to change. I'm not going to be the one to start the conversation again. I'm always the one who has initiated "the talk" so now it's her turn. Hopefully by this weekend she will be unhappy enough to finally feel a small piece of the pain she has put me through. I could tell she was upset this morning when I left for work. I do believe in forgiveness and would be happy to start fresh with her but only if she will work with me and find agreeable terms such as counseling, and a defined (but situationally negotiable) frequency of both physical and nonphysical activities.
As previously stated though, she needs to be the one to start the conversation this time. She knows where to find me.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 5, 2017 13:45:39 GMT -5
Update: since Tuesday night's cold silent treatment I have not had any physical contact with the W or spoken to her about anything other than routine stuff (bills, chores...). I will still not say for certain that I will leave since I still believe that people can change but I refuse to live the way I have. This morning I think she was starting to finally crack. One way or another, things are going to change. I'm not going to be the one to start the conversation again. I'm always the one who has initiated "the talk" so now it's her turn. Hopefully by this weekend she will be unhappy enough to finally feel a small piece of the pain she has put me through. I could tell she was upset this morning when I left for work. I do believe in forgiveness and would be happy to start fresh with her but only if she will work with me and find agreeable terms such as counseling, and a defined (but situationally negotiable) frequency of both physical and nonphysical activities. As previously stated though, she needs to be the one to start the conversation this time. She knows where to find me. The FOG (Fear , Obligation, Guilt) is lifting for you! Try not to climb into a cave and sulk. Even though you are dying inside. This is when the self awareness, and self healing begins. I personally try to leave the house a lot more. Go out anD get involved and start strengthening your support group.
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Post by h on Mar 4, 2019 8:56:03 GMT -5
itme in case you had trouble finding it.
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