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Post by Apocrypha on May 1, 2017 8:44:59 GMT -5
I may be wrong and it may not be much but she initiated this week. It was the second time this month and that hasn't happened in a long time. It was out of the blue with no prompting from me. She has even started talking about incorporating sex as a form of exercise to help with some of her health issues. I admit that I may be getting my hopes up too soon but this change isn't something I brought up. Maybe we can fix it. Maybe there's still hope. When I flat out moved out of the bedroom and set up a futon in the basement, that got Mrs Apocrypha's attention, and she initiated a few times... enough to give me hope and start sleeping in the bed with her again. Once I was lured there, she re-established the former dynamic and I was frozen out again. It seems I had her attention but not her desire. She wanted me in the bed for her own reasons and was willing to do what she thought was necessary to lure me back, but it wasn't because she desired me as a romantic partner.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 11:02:44 GMT -5
I may be wrong and it may not be much but she initiated this week. It was the second time this month and that hasn't happened in a long time. It was out of the blue with no prompting from me. She has even started talking about incorporating sex as a form of exercise to help with some of her health issues. I admit that I may be getting my hopes up too soon but this change isn't something I brought up. Maybe we can fix it. Maybe there's still hope. When I flat out moved out of the bedroom and set up a futon in the basement, that got Mrs Apocrypha's attention, and she initiated a few times... enough to give me hope and start sleeping in the bed with her again. Once I was lured there, she re-established the former dynamic and I was frozen out again. It seems I had her attention but not her desire. She wanted me in the bed for her own reasons and was willing to do what she thought was necessary to lure me back, but it wasn't because she desired me as a romantic partner. Remember they spend their life keeping up the facade of a good marriage to the world so you suddenly sleep somewhere else is not the norm and so they have get you back in line
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Post by h on May 1, 2017 11:58:22 GMT -5
While I understand where many of you come from, I still need to keep the door open for reconciliation. If I were to deny all hope and give up then it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. There may come a time when it becomes more obvious that the marriage is over and at that time, I will acknowledge that fact. I just can't at this time give up on us. For now, I just want to see if the recent changes last. In the meantime, I can still work on getting financial issues settled and my own mental state on track. This way, I can be better prepared for any decisions I make in the future.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 13:31:18 GMT -5
While I understand where many of you come from, I still need to keep the door open for reconciliation. If I were to deny all hope and give up then it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. There may come a time when it becomes more obvious that the marriage is over and at that time, I will acknowledge that fact. I just can't at this time give up on us. For now, I just want to see if the recent changes last. In the meantime, I can still work on getting financial issues settled and my own mental state on track. This way, I can be better prepared for any decisions I make in the future. I hope this works out for you. But in the meantime, please be sure to take whatever steps you can to avoid getting her pregnant. If she gets pregnant, your options will reduce dramatically.
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Post by h on May 1, 2017 15:05:30 GMT -5
I seriously doubt she will get pregnant anyway (haven't used protection or bc ever) but here's the dilemma: If I actively do anything to prevent a pregnancy, I would be creating the same self fulfilling prophecy as if I had just given up and shut down. There's no way to spin that and have it look like I was still committed to reconciliation.
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Post by itsjustus on May 1, 2017 15:46:54 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? h Keep reading here - keep posting. Look for and accept support where you can get it. Offer support to others - this is also therapeutic. I can only off a few tips to help you keep your "sanity" in this type of marital arrangement. -avoid isolation. This is key - -work-out - some form of exercise daily. -avoid negative thoughts about your self at all costs. -individual counseling - prob a good idea. Living in reality, accepting what your marriage is, is important. Whether staying or leaving - if you are in full acceptance of your situation, at least it pulls you out of "limbo". Good luck! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Especially the individual Counseling. An essential idea.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 16:40:51 GMT -5
I seriously doubt she will get pregnant anyway (haven't used protection or bc ever) but here's the dilemma: If I actively do anything to prevent a pregnancy, I would be creating the same self fulfilling prophecy as if I had just given up and shut down. There's no way to spin that and have it look like I was still committed to reconciliation. Yes, I can see that it would be hard. So I assume that if you started using a condom on the few times that you do have sex, she would be angry?
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Post by h on May 1, 2017 18:22:38 GMT -5
I seriously doubt she will get pregnant anyway (haven't used protection or bc ever) but here's the dilemma: If I actively do anything to prevent a pregnancy, I would be creating the same self fulfilling prophecy as if I had just given up and shut down. There's no way to spin that and have it look like I was still committed to reconciliation. Yes, I can see that it would be hard. So I assume that if you started using a condom on the few times that you do have sex, she would be angry? Absolutely.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 18:56:43 GMT -5
Yes, I can see that it would be hard. So I assume that if you started using a condom on the few times that you do have sex, she would be angry? Absolutely. Well, you are in quite a pickle! So have you ever wondered why you feel like you have to appease her?
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Post by h on May 1, 2017 19:00:32 GMT -5
Well, you are in quite a pickle! So have you ever wondered why you feel like you have to appease her? Some is better than none...
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appleaday
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Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 1, 2017 19:28:16 GMT -5
Well, you are in quite a pickle! So have you ever wondered why you feel like you have to appease her? Some is better than none... Is it though when it comes with the amount of control she seems to have over you?
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Post by lyn on May 1, 2017 19:48:13 GMT -5
It's important to consider our spouse's feelings about things at a healthy level.
When we begin to be more concerned with what they might think than our own well-being, well, there's a big bright red flag waving over us. It can quickly go from just concern to an irrational obsession brought on by years of abusive conditioning.
Emotional sabotage and abuse coming from the most unlikely person - the "kind-hearted" or "mild-mannered" refusing spouse. Super subtle - I think both parties may not even consciously realize what's happening some of the time. FOG
Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 2, 2017 10:59:25 GMT -5
I seriously doubt she will get pregnant anyway (haven't used protection or bc ever) but here's the dilemma: If I actively do anything to prevent a pregnancy, I would be creating the same self fulfilling prophecy as if I had just given up and shut down. There's no way to spin that and have it look like I was still committed to reconciliation. There have been many stories within these circles from people in similar circumstances. Perhaps no one can really be told this, but I would strongly suggest that your viewpoint would be drastically altered if an accident were to happen. If there are measures you can take - even rhythm method - try. It's really a game of Russian Roulette. A wedding is a statement of intention between two people, based on a certain understanding of how you feel about each other, and some realities of your circumstance. I doubt that you would commit to marrying a person with whom you were certain you don't have a sexual relationship with, much less have and raise a child with that person. Probably most people wouldn't go past a 3-5 dates in such a circumstance. So, take a look around in here. See the common threads in stories. And good luck in finding the truth of your situation, whatever that is.
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Post by doneanddone on May 2, 2017 13:21:07 GMT -5
Just read through all the posts from the last time I hit this chain of posts up from a few days back. Had yet another long sleepless night of wondering what the fuck did I do to deserve this. Night started out just fine, wife and I made dinner, wife and I watched some television, played go fish with our daughter, read bedtime stories together as a family, then wife and I watched more television before going to bed. Had great conversation about work, talked about family..... But the moment, the exact moment I reach my hand out to her and touch her back while lying in bed, literally, and I mean literally, I counted in my head, 60 secs later she's deep breathing and sighing as if she is already in REM.
Fun fact for all....in REM sleep there is a lot more active eye movement and body movement, small twitching and occasional jerks. Here is a fun thing to do, if your spouse is the refuser and acts like they are asleep, lick their face......yup, lick their face and you'll know instantly if they are faking it or not. Especially if you get any part of the nose and eye all in one lick. I did that to my wife one night and caught her dead to right, and ever since if she tries that shit she knows she's going to get my tongue on her face just for shits and giggle on my part. And it's at this point I don't give a shit if she wants to have sex or not, the fact that she acts like she's tired to avoid it....yeah she deserves to be licked on the face.
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Post by h on May 2, 2017 22:14:20 GMT -5
Spent the last hour looking up counseling services in my area. Everything has been good and we had been getting along better this week. We talked and laughed at things together and had been more affectionate. Just had my Rose colored glasses slapped off my face though. W posts some BS flowery picture on Facebook that says:
"Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It's about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can."
Naturally I gave it a "sad face" reaction but left it at that. She asked why. I told her that the very first line of it was just awful. W: Is that what you think, that love is just about sex? Me: Sex isn't all of love but it is a big part of it, included in it. The fact that you think it's not is just awful.
Silence the rest of the night. I went to bed and she stayed up. She never came in to bed and I heard her go into the other bedroom. I think tomorrow things will be said that may possibly start the downward spiral to the end. She showed her true colors tonight. Sex will never be important to her. My sexuality is a big part of what makes me the man I am so who I am as a man must not be very important to her. So angry I can't sleep. Work tomorrow is going to suck.
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