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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 27, 2017 8:17:18 GMT -5
It just goes to show, being in a dysfunctional marriage without sexual intimacy gets you thinking strange thoughts.
I also came to hate my libido, wishing it gone. I came to feel lonely and at times disgusted with myself, even when I was "tending to my own matters" - and some of that element lingers even today. At the height of it, it extended to hating that part of my body, even. I hated that I loved her and needed her, and wanted that part to go away, if only to even out the balance of power by wanting her even less than she wanted me. I didn't want her to be able to hurt me anymore, and fantasized about how she might feel if I rejected her for a year or two.
I wonder sometimes if all those feelings are the foundations of what eventually turns into an intimacy averse person. Likely, the ingredients are there.
Once you consider the possibility that you just want to live a normal life that has room for a romantic relationship, and that you can still create an amicable non-romantic relationship with an ex-partner that retains the things you enjoy the most, the strangeness of the idea of intentionally emotionally maiming yourself becomes more apparent, as well as its cost.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 27, 2017 13:54:46 GMT -5
It just goes to show, being in a dysfunctional marriage without sexual intimacy gets you thinking strange thoughts. I also came to hate my libido, wishing it gone. I came to feel lonely and at times disgusted with myself, even when I was "tending to my own matters" - and some of that element lingers even today. At the height of it, it extended to hating that part of my body, even. I hated that I loved her and needed her, and wanted that part to go away, if only to even out the balance of power by wanting her even less than she wanted me. I didn't want her to be able to hurt me anymore, and fantasized about how she might feel if I rejected her for a year or two. I wonder sometimes if all those feelings are the foundations of what eventually turns into an intimacy averse person. Likely, the ingredients are there. Once you consider the possibility that you just want to live a normal life that has room for a romantic relationship, and that you can still create an amicable non-romantic relationship with an ex-partner that retains the things you enjoy the most, the strangeness of the idea of intentionally emotionally maiming yourself becomes more apparent, as well as its cost. A-Fucking-Men!
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 27, 2017 15:54:46 GMT -5
There are some seriously wise people on this forum, really there are.
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Post by heatherb on Apr 28, 2017 16:30:05 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? I have no affirmative recommendations, but i can recommend that you avoid my coping strategy of choice which was heavy drinking. Ouch! That hit close to home. Wine has become my medicine. My mother died 2 years ago and I kind of blamed that but I have been wondering for awhile if it was more about the rejection I was getting.
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Post by heatherb on Apr 28, 2017 16:40:08 GMT -5
1. I have stood by her through them and understand the lack of intimacy at those times but the rest of the time, she just isn't interested. 2. In the past, she has expressed that intercourse is painful but won't ask her doctor about it. 3. She also has issues which make "alternative activities" difficult for her to manage. 4. I couldn't bring myself to even ask to outsource. To each their own but it would just feel wrong to me. 5. Hopefully my drive will lessen with time. I broke your last response down to specific issues. I hope that you will consider each issue. Please realize I have been where you are now. I honestly wish that an older man would have told me what I am about to tell you. 1. When she is not interested, this means she is NOT interested in pleasing you. 2. So although she thinks there may be a medical problem, it is not a big enough priority for her to ask her doctor about it. So either she is lying or she expects you to live without sex, or just the limited sex she will provide when she feels like it. 3. There are no issues that justify refusing to consider alternative activities. The only explanation is that she does not care about pleasing you. Please realize that you are anonymous here, and pretty much any issue you can discuss has been discussed here before. 4. You may not be able to bring yourself to ask to outsource NOW. However, after 9 more years of this, I believe that the option will seem much more palatable. And you did not discuss outsourcing without permission. How do you feel about that? 5. As to your sex drive, you may be right. It may lessen with time. However, I can tell you that your resentment of her stealing your sexuality will increase every day. You may not notice it at first, but it will increase. Remember, I stayed in a sexual desert THREE TIMES as long as you have. By the time you are in your mid 40s, you will realize that your sex drive is decreasing. You will try to say it doesn't matter, but you will know that it does. You will admit it and then realize that it is because of the person you married. Then will will begin to grieve your wasted years. Part of you will want to blame your refuser, but then you will remember what I am telling you. You will then wish that you had listened to a 52 year old man who predicted where you will be.
So here is my advice. Take your wife out to dinner where there are no distractions. Look her directly in the eyes and tell her that you are very dissatisfied with the quality and quantity of your sexual relationship. Tell her that after 9 years, you see no improvement, and it is very disappointing. Tell her that you are going to give her one last change to make some extreme changes.
Tell her that if she wants to live a near celibate life, that she has every right to do that, but you are not going to live that way. And if she wants to remain married to you, she needs to make some extreme changes very quickly. If she wants to be married to you, she needs to make an appointment with her gyno and you will be going with her. You are going to both talk to him and tell him that your sex life is abysmal, and some changes have to be made. Tell him that sex is painful for her, and you need to find out the source of the pain and what can be done about it. This appointment needs to be made within 5 days of the conversation, and needs to be scheduled as soon as possible.
Also, tell her that you and she need to start counseling as soon as possible. She will need to resolve whatever issues she has that prevent her from having frequent and enthusiastic sex with her husband. You will go with her and resolve any issues you may have that are in the way of that goal.
Let her know that if she is not interested in resolving this issue with you, that is fine, but the house will be sold and you will be filing for divorce as soon as possible. You will need her answer in the morning. If she has not made an appointment with her gyno within 5 days, you will assume that she wants a divorce. If she sees the doctor and counselor, that is wonderful, but she has until the end of April, 2018 to work up to having sex with you three times a week. If she has not, you will be getting a divorce. All of these conditions are non-negotiable.
My friend, I understand why you would not want to get a divorce. I have been there myself. By the time I was 24, and had been married a year, I knew that my pitiful excuse for a marriage was hell, but I thought I had to be the good guy/martyr and endure it. I was completely and totally wrong. I thought if I tried hard enough, was nice enough, good enough, or made enough money, that things would turn around. They never did.
Have you spoken about this subject with your parents? Friends? Pastor? Anyone?
This really hit close to home. I've been married 17 years and sex is about once every 6 weeks. He says he's asexual now. He won't do anything to fix it. Like you said, I'm becoming more and more resentful that my sexual side has been stolen from me. That I'm denying myself something I need, which is a man that wants me and I don't have to beg. It only seems to be getting worse and I'm hopeless.
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Post by heatherb on Apr 28, 2017 16:45:25 GMT -5
Until now that is how I have unknowingly been coping, by reducing my libido. I was on bc in hopes it would help encourage some intimacy but I quit a couple months ago because why continue medicine with health risks for no benefit? Turns out these particular pills were killing my drive making it much easier to cope with lack of intimacy. Since I have been off I can barely look at a half decent looking man without picturing all sorts of dirty things 😱😱 I have considered going back on for this benefit but it feels like I'm lying to myself and medically changing myself to cope with this feels extreme. Idk. Oh yeah, ditto! I have considered bc to lower my drive, and maybe drive myself a little more hormone crazy haha! But seriously, exercise increased my need so much more than I expected... All those men running the track, wiping their faces with the bottom of their shirt 😘 oh lawdy the things I imagine, then I rent I am supposed to be watching my daughter so her ballet class, whoops. 😳 Lol! Love it! Glad it's not just me. Going to yoga class and some hot guy is doing downward dog in front of you...please....send....help. Lol
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Post by heatherb on Apr 28, 2017 16:50:18 GMT -5
It just goes to show, being in a dysfunctional marriage without sexual intimacy gets you thinking strange thoughts. I also came to hate my libido, wishing it gone. I came to feel lonely and at times disgusted with myself, even when I was "tending to my own matters" - and some of that element lingers even today. At the height of it, it extended to hating that part of my body, even. I hated that I loved her and needed her, and wanted that part to go away, if only to even out the balance of power by wanting her even less than she wanted me. I didn't want her to be able to hurt me anymore, and fantasized about how she might feel if I rejected her for a year or two. I wonder sometimes if all those feelings are the foundations of what eventually turns into an intimacy averse person. Likely, the ingredients are there. Once you consider the possibility that you just want to live a normal life that has room for a romantic relationship, and that you can still create an amicable non-romantic relationship with an ex-partner that retains the things you enjoy the most, the strangeness of the idea of intentionally emotionally maiming yourself becomes more apparent, as well as its cost. You literally explained exactly how I feel, except I'm the wife who is denied. I feel embarrassed for wanting him and being denied. And I only wish I could do what he's done to me.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2017 17:18:50 GMT -5
Just plod on
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2017 17:36:02 GMT -5
This really hit close to home. I've been married 17 years and sex is about once every 6 weeks. He says he's asexual now. He won't do anything to fix it. Like you said, I'm becoming more and more resentful that my sexual side has been stolen from me. That I'm denying myself something I need, which is a man that wants me and I don't have to beg. It only seems to be getting worse and I'm hopeless. I am so sorry to hear this . It's a horrible place to be
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 28, 2017 18:40:18 GMT -5
Oh yeah, ditto! I have considered bc to lower my drive, and maybe drive myself a little more hormone crazy haha! But seriously, exercise increased my need so much more than I expected... All those men running the track, wiping their faces with the bottom of their shirt 😘 oh lawdy the things I imagine, then I rent I am supposed to be watching my daughter so her ballet class, whoops. 😳 Lol! Love it! Glad it's not just me. Going to yoga class and some hot guy is doing downward dog in front of you...please....send....help. Lol Especially if their pants get stuck just between their legs and *cough* boys... Look away ( don't look away) Did exactly one hot yoga class, omg I could hardly contain myself. So many attractive men, no shirts, sweaty.... It was such a good bad class.
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Post by heatherb on Apr 28, 2017 19:27:50 GMT -5
This really hit close to home. I've been married 17 years and sex is about once every 6 weeks. He says he's asexual now. He won't do anything to fix it. Like you said, I'm becoming more and more resentful that my sexual side has been stolen from me. That I'm denying myself something I need, which is a man that wants me and I don't have to beg. It only seems to be getting worse and I'm hopeless. I am so sorry to hear this . It's a horrible place to be Thank you....reading what your wrote to the other guy, I think it's going to give me the strength to really lay it out. If he doesn't fix it, I'm out. I'm 37...I can't waste these years. All we have in life is time and how much of it is the unknown. Do I want to spend it feeling this way? No, absolutely not.
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Post by solodriver on Apr 29, 2017 2:22:05 GMT -5
Lol! Love it! Glad it's not just me. Going to yoga class and some hot guy is doing downward dog in front of you...please....send....help. Lol Especially if their pants get stuck just between their legs and *cough* boys... Look away ( don't look away) Did exactly one hot yoga class, omg I could hardly contain myself. So many attractive men, no shirts, sweaty.... It was such a good bad class. Sounds like I need to find a good yoga class with lots of women and wear tight clothing lol!!
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Post by h on Apr 29, 2017 5:26:13 GMT -5
I suspect that trying to change bad habits and patterns that have gone on for a long time is a long process. I think that because sex is such an intimate and personal thing that it may take time for a person to break down the walls they have built up over time. How long this takes is different for everyone. I may be wrong about my own situation but I believe the change can happen.
Last year, I had "the talk" with my wife. I told her that I was unhappy with our sexlessness and that I needed sex with her to feel love and connection. She went through the typical accusations of "All you ever want me for is sex!" and "You make me feel like I'm just a piece of meat!" My response was that I would love to feel like a piece of meat because then at least I would feel like I was valued for something. Feeling like a piece of meat would be a step up. It actually made her pause. We had make up sex a few times that week but things slipped back to the old patterns the following week. I made the decision to stop initiating entirely. I told her that if she wasn't going to have regular sex with me, then I needed her to stop turning me on and leading me on. She didn't take it seriously until I put it in practice. In an effort to avoid frustration, I even avoided ever seeing her unclothed. If she were to come in the bedroom and change, I would leave or turn away. I cut off most physical contact also. We hugged and gave simple peck kisses but I stopped touching her anywhere other than to hold hands. When songs on the radio would be about sex, I would change the station. If a sex scene came on in a movie or on TV, I would look away or leave the room. If she ever asked why, I told her the truth that I didn't want to be turned on if there was no chance of sex happening. It made me a very dull person to be around and over time, I think it started to sink in. If I couldn't get what I needed from the relationship then I wasn't going to be any fun to be around anymore.
I may be wrong and it may not be much but she initiated this week. It was the second time this month and that hasn't happened in a long time. It was out of the blue with no prompting from me. She has even started talking about incorporating sex as a form of exercise to help with some of her health issues. I admit that I may be getting my hopes up too soon but this change isn't something I brought up. Maybe we can fix it. Maybe there's still hope.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2017 23:37:52 GMT -5
H,
I find your situation very interesting. I think your wife is becoming attracted to you again.
There's a certain strength in claiming your independence in a relationship. It makes you more attractive. I've noticed this with my wife. I'm assuming that it reminds our spouses why they fell in love with us in the first place.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Apr 30, 2017 22:56:44 GMT -5
I suspect that trying to change bad habits and patterns that have gone on for a long time is a long process. I think that because sex is such an intimate and personal thing that it may take time for a person to break down the walls they have built up over time. How long this takes is different for everyone. I may be wrong about my own situation but I believe the change can happen. Last year, I had "the talk" with my wife. I told her that I was unhappy with our sexlessness and that I needed sex with her to feel love and connection. She went through the typical accusations of "All you ever want me for is sex!" and "You make me feel like I'm just a piece of meat!" My response was that I would love to feel like a piece of meat because then at least I would feel like I was valued for something. Feeling like a piece of meat would be a step up. It actually made her pause. We had make up sex a few times that week but things slipped back to the old patterns the following week. I made the decision to stop initiating entirely. I told her that if she wasn't going to have regular sex with me, then I needed her to stop turning me on and leading me on. She didn't take it seriously until I put it in practice. In an effort to avoid frustration, I even avoided ever seeing her unclothed. If she were to come in the bedroom and change, I would leave or turn away. I cut off most physical contact also. We hugged and gave simple peck kisses but I stopped touching her anywhere other than to hold hands. When songs on the radio would be about sex, I would change the station. If a sex scene came on in a movie or on TV, I would look away or leave the room. If she ever asked why, I told her the truth that I didn't want to be turned on if there was no chance of sex happening. It made me a very dull person to be around and over time, I think it started to sink in. If I couldn't get what I needed from the relationship then I wasn't going to be any fun to be around anymore. I may be wrong and it may not be much but she initiated this week. It was the second time this month and that hasn't happened in a long time. It was out of the blue with no prompting from me. She has even started talking about incorporating sex as a form of exercise to help with some of her health issues. I admit that I may be getting my hopes up too soon but this change isn't something I brought up. Maybe we can fix it. Maybe there's still hope. I have done something similar to this also, but no change. I think in her mind it is a relief not to be "nagged" about having sex. After all, it is the type of relationship she really wants.
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