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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 14:16:01 GMT -5
1. I have stood by her through them and understand the lack of intimacy at those times but the rest of the time, she just isn't interested. 2. In the past, she has expressed that intercourse is painful but won't ask her doctor about it. 3. She also has issues which make "alternative activities" difficult for her to manage. 4. I couldn't bring myself to even ask to outsource. To each their own but it would just feel wrong to me. 5. Hopefully my drive will lessen with time. I broke your last response down to specific issues. I hope that you will consider each issue. Please realize I have been where you are now. I honestly wish that an older man would have told me what I am about to tell you. 1. When she is not interested, this means she is NOT interested in pleasing you. 2. So although she thinks there may be a medical problem, it is not a big enough priority for her to ask her doctor about it. So either she is lying or she expects you to live without sex, or just the limited sex she will provide when she feels like it. 3. There are no issues that justify refusing to consider alternative activities. The only explanation is that she does not care about pleasing you. Please realize that you are anonymous here, and pretty much any issue you can discuss has been discussed here before. 4. You may not be able to bring yourself to ask to outsource NOW. However, after 9 more years of this, I believe that the option will seem much more palatable. And you did not discuss outsourcing without permission. How do you feel about that? 5. As to your sex drive, you may be right. It may lessen with time. However, I can tell you that your resentment of her stealing your sexuality will increase every day. You may not notice it at first, but it will increase. Remember, I stayed in a sexual desert THREE TIMES as long as you have. By the time you are in your mid 40s, you will realize that your sex drive is decreasing. You will try to say it doesn't matter, but you will know that it does. You will admit it and then realize that it is because of the person you married. Then will will begin to grieve your wasted years. Part of you will want to blame your refuser, but then you will remember what I am telling you. You will then wish that you had listened to a 52 year old man who predicted where you will be.
So here is my advice. Take your wife out to dinner where there are no distractions. Look her directly in the eyes and tell her that you are very dissatisfied with the quality and quantity of your sexual relationship. Tell her that after 9 years, you see no improvement, and it is very disappointing. Tell her that you are going to give her one last change to make some extreme changes.
Tell her that if she wants to live a near celibate life, that she has every right to do that, but you are not going to live that way. And if she wants to remain married to you, she needs to make some extreme changes very quickly. If she wants to be married to you, she needs to make an appointment with her gyno and you will be going with her. You are going to both talk to him and tell him that your sex life is abysmal, and some changes have to be made. Tell him that sex is painful for her, and you need to find out the source of the pain and what can be done about it. This appointment needs to be made within 5 days of the conversation, and needs to be scheduled as soon as possible.
Also, tell her that you and she need to start counseling as soon as possible. She will need to resolve whatever issues she has that prevent her from having frequent and enthusiastic sex with her husband. You will go with her and resolve any issues you may have that are in the way of that goal.
Let her know that if she is not interested in resolving this issue with you, that is fine, but the house will be sold and you will be filing for divorce as soon as possible. You will need her answer in the morning. If she has not made an appointment with her gyno within 5 days, you will assume that she wants a divorce. If she sees the doctor and counselor, that is wonderful, but she has until the end of April, 2018 to work up to having sex with you three times a week. If she has not, you will be getting a divorce. All of these conditions are non-negotiable.
My friend, I understand why you would not want to get a divorce. I have been there myself. By the time I was 24, and had been married a year, I knew that my pitiful excuse for a marriage was hell, but I thought I had to be the good guy/martyr and endure it. I was completely and totally wrong. I thought if I tried hard enough, was nice enough, good enough, or made enough money, that things would turn around. They never did.
Have you spoken about this subject with your parents? Friends? Pastor? Anyone?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 14:17:55 GMT -5
Until now that is how I have unknowingly been coping, by reducing my libido. I was on bc in hopes it would help encourage some intimacy but I quit a couple months ago because why continue medicine with health risks for no benefit? Turns out these particular pills were killing my drive making it much easier to cope with lack of intimacy. Since I have been off I can barely look at a half decent looking man without picturing all sorts of dirty things 😱😱 I have considered going back on for this benefit but it feels like I'm lying to myself and medically changing myself to cope with this feels extreme. Idk. Yes, a normal man would be delighted with your attitude. I have a dream that someday women like you will be considered the norm and the refusers will be the anomolies.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 25, 2017 14:21:54 GMT -5
It is quite possible to run a marathon completely fucked up. I have ran at least 3 where after crossing the finish line I was way too drunk to drive home Yikes shamwow 😉 h Uber is your friend Hmm...I'd have to check the marathon rules, but I don't think it counts if I ride it in an Uber. However, I will have a MUCH better time that way.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 25, 2017 14:25:46 GMT -5
Thanks doneanddone and lyn. Appreciate the support. GeekGoddess- we would like to have children and don't use birth control. Activity is just so infrequent (and at the wrong time) that it hasn't happened yet. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS PERSON
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 25, 2017 14:29:21 GMT -5
Thanks doneanddone and lyn. Appreciate the support. GeekGoddess- we would like to have children and don't use birth control. Activity is just so infrequent (and at the wrong time) that it hasn't happened yet. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS PERSONI was thinking the same thing. If it's this bad now, a child will not fix it and once a baby is in the picture it's that much more complicated. Trust me. Then you feel you have to stay for the kids and your misery is compounded o we the years.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 25, 2017 14:30:25 GMT -5
Thanks doneanddone and lyn. Appreciate the support. GeekGoddess- we would like to have children and don't use birth control. Activity is just so infrequent (and at the wrong time) that it hasn't happened yet. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS PERSONI cannot possibly express my liking for this enough. I second this recommendation x infinity.
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 25, 2017 15:58:00 GMT -5
Hello h, I don't want to be downbeat but I'm 20+ years down the line from you I tried over eating, eating my distress - I went from a BMI of 20 to clinically obese - didn't help I tried drinking - didn't help I tried exercise but just getting fitter and healthier just made my libido rise I considered outsourcing but it's not in my ethical code I tried hobbies - I'm really good at my chosen hobby - on top of my game and I'd swap all that carefully accumulated expertise for one evening of intimacy (note not just sex) with a woman I adore. Right now I'm excited, cheerful and happy (as is my STBX) because we will be separating in a few weeks time. It's at an end. I'm sorry that this doesn't help but trust me those 20+ joyless, sexless years were hellish. What you choose to do, our thoughts are with you. p.s. posting on this site and confiding in a close trusted friend did help alleviate the symptoms but that was only at the end of my SM journey
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2017 16:41:33 GMT -5
Don't have kids. After kids sex gets less frequent. We were once a month before kids. After kids once a year. It fell off a cliff after kids. This is a warning because I lived your future. I was celibate for 13 years but stuck because I needed a double income. Now 15 years later I'm divorced. I'm happy and I don't have regrets because of my kids but everything comes at a price.
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Post by baza on Apr 25, 2017 16:44:18 GMT -5
Well Brother h , if you are resolved to stay, here's what you need to do. #1 - Own that choice. It is not your missus fault that you choose to stay. Nor is it anyone else's fault that you choose to stay. That choice is entirely on you. You've made the choice, and you own that choice. Take ownership of that choice. Live it. #2 - Accept your missus "as is". Forget any tendency you may have to take her inventory, or to "why chase". She is who she is and there is nothing whatsoever you can do about that. Her behaviour is a matter over which you have no control whatsoever. Accept that. #3 - Dump your resentment. This is easier said than done, but is pivotal. If you are staying then you need to stay on the basis of owning your choice, and not bitching about her choices and behaviour. You MUST "accept without resentment". #4 - Sort your own shit out. Probably, like everyone else here, you have issues of your own that you can work on. Perhaps co-dependency as a pretty obvious one. Start working on those issues as a process of personal development. In other words, start the process of becoming the best possible version of h that you can be. I wish you luck on your mission. It is the resentment that is the biggest stumbling block in the above. It takes a pretty rare person who can get over that resentment factor, and if you can't get over it, it will poison everything.
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 17:19:40 GMT -5
I just joined yesterday and I already feel better. It's nice to get it out and have someone listen (well, read actually). I do plan to stay with my wife. I will make sure to be more straightforward with her and maybe force some positive change. I feel like coming here and having to defend my decision has forced me to think about it more critically and reminded me that I still love her so thank you all for that. It still may not work out in the end but at least I can say that I made a choice and did something. I don't feel like I have done all I can and I couldn't leave without knowing I exhausted all options.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 25, 2017 18:24:28 GMT -5
I just joined yesterday and I already feel better. It's nice to get it out and have someone listen (well, read actually). I do plan to stay with my wife. I will make sure to be more straightforward with her and maybe force some positive change. I feel like coming here and having to defend my decision has forced me to think about it more critically and reminded me that I still love her so thank you all for that. It still may not work out in the end but at least I can say that I made a choice and did something. I don't feel like I have done all I can and I couldn't leave without knowing I exhausted all options. H, it's nice to meet you and I am happy to hear you are finding solace in the support that is here! I agree, it's a wonderful place <3 You need to find a counselor/therapist. You need to figure out why you married someone who will only allow you in once a month. There's a reason you married her. We tend to be attracted to what we are used to - no matter how healthy or unhealthy our familial relationships are. I only realized recently - after almost 20 years, that I truly married my father - a man who physically and emotionally abandons me, despite the love he has for me, and I for him. I started this journey in November 2014, and I have all of my old posts from the site where this site was born. I am posting them every other week on my blog and you are welcome to take a look. You sound like so many others that have traveled this road. Full of hope that your marriage will continue despite your growing resentment that you have yet to acknowledge. I did the same. Counseling, therapy, a professional will help you analyze what is most important YOU to live a happy and fulfilling life. Self-care is tremendously important to survival not only in marriage, but in LIFE. Learn to love yourself, and you will find that you attract people who will love you the way you want to be loved. You deserve that. She either doesn't get it or is so repressed herself that she has no understanding of it. Keep us updated. We are here for you. We've been there and we get it.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 25, 2017 21:13:54 GMT -5
I just joined yesterday and I already feel better. It's nice to get it out and have someone listen (well, read actually). I do plan to stay with my wife. I will make sure to be more straightforward with her and maybe force some positive change. I feel like coming here and having to defend my decision has forced me to think about it more critically and reminded me that I still love her so thank you all for that. It still may not work out in the end but at least I can say that I made a choice and did something. I don't feel like I have done all I can and I couldn't leave without knowing I exhausted all options. h, you learn fast. Initially, you ask about coping with your SM. Then a few hours later, you shifted focus to improving your marriage by seeking positive change from w. Since you don't have kids yet, you can spend more time with her. It doesn't have to be sexual. Wishing you luck.
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Post by Dan on Apr 25, 2017 21:28:03 GMT -5
Well, you can try to distract yourself. You can get a hobby and focus all of your energy on that. I can only off a few tips to help you keep your "sanity" in this type of marital arrangement. -avoid isolation. This is key - I really like Meetup.com. It is NOT a dating site. It is for active normal healthy people who want to increase the circle of their friends NOT by "friending" people on Facebook, but rather by meeting face to face to do group activities. You name it, there is a meet up group for it. Kayaking, bird watching, singing Beatles songs, drinking beer, chocolate tasting, karaoke, mediation, cooking, playing folk music, dancing.  You can find support groups for elderly caregivers, substance abusers, lactating mothers, divorced people.  You can find folks who travel for skiing, Broadway shows, or just that REALLY GOOD ice cream place in the next city. It's fun.  Join up; start attending.  If the wife wants to go with you, great.  If she doesn't, fine, go anyways. If she objects to you going... well, I will save my thoughts on that until you tell me that she objects to YOU having a social life without her.
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Post by Dan on Apr 25, 2017 21:35:50 GMT -5
Since I have been off I can barely look at a half decent looking man without picturing all sorts of dirty things 😱😱 appleaday : This made me want to ask... Can I send you my picture? (So... apparently, one of the ways I try to cope is HUMOR!)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 22:03:45 GMT -5
I just joined yesterday and I already feel better. It's nice to get it out and have someone listen (well, read actually). I do plan to stay with my wife. I will make sure to be more straightforward with her and maybe force some positive change. I feel like coming here and having to defend my decision has forced me to think about it more critically and reminded me that I still love her so thank you all for that. It still may not work out in the end but at least I can say that I made a choice and did something. I don't feel like I have done all I can and I couldn't leave without knowing I exhausted all options. I am so glad to read this. I certainly understand you wanting to exhaust all options. I sincerely hope that this issue is resolved and your marriage is salvaged. But I hope I have gotten you to realize that you DO have options. I am here to listen and offer any support, as all of us are.
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