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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2018 18:41:35 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes wrote, “Thank you - I actually want to lose another 5-10lbs, to get back to tip top shape!” I weigh 107 pounds and have 32DD and still get shut down. Last night, I even resorted to cajoling the Husband (and he said, no because it’s game playing if I’m divorcing him—the excuses never ever ever end) and texted the affair-non affair partner who promptly ignored my text. Miss Paintbrushes, I think we ought to fish somewhere else. To play devil's advocate, your H isn't all wrong. If you have told him recently that you want a divorce, why would he have sex with you? It sounds like you are still on the fence and he wants you to be decisive. You either have to be in or out and he's not accepting halfway or maybe. Your VERY impressive looks have nothing to do with it. None of what I said should be construed to mean that he WILL have sex with you anytime soon. Just that, for the moment anyway, he has a justifiable reason not to be intimately involved with you. Brother h makes a very telling point. Mr surfergirl s view that it is "game playing" to be - on one hand, divorcing him, and on the other, cajoling him for sex - is pretty much right on the money, though he, also, is "playing games" here. And "game playing" has an abysmal success rate in bringing these situations to resolution.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 27, 2018 20:10:43 GMT -5
baza hBecause my H told told me he’d do WHATEVER it takes to win me over until the divorce was final. I threw sex on the table last night and now it’s “game playing”. The excuses NEVER END. I give up.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 27, 2018 20:12:48 GMT -5
By the way, I’m in some dumpy hotel room in Atlanta.
I walked this morning.
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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2018 20:35:14 GMT -5
baza h Because my H told told me he’d do WHATEVER it takes to win me over until the divorce was final. I threw sex on the table last night and now it’s “game playing”. The excuses NEVER END. I give up. The idea of giving up is not a bad one, if you apply a bit of specificity to it. If you give up the idea of divorcing your husband, you can then proceed with cajoling/begging for sex, if that's what you want to do. If you give up on cajoling/begging for sex, you can then proceed on getting divorced, if that's what you want to do. This always seems to loop back to the same question Sister surfergirl - "What do you want ?" Where do you want to be in a months time, 3 months time, a years time, 5 years time. And what are you prepared to do to get there ?
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 27, 2018 20:48:06 GMT -5
Well, baza, I’m willing to own my shit, stay in therapy , and type an answer from a hotel room in Atlanta that doesn’t have hot water.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 27, 2018 22:25:19 GMT -5
By the way, I’m in some dumpy hotel room in Atlanta. I walked this morning. What did he say when you did?
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Post by baza on Jan 27, 2018 22:58:28 GMT -5
By the way, I’m in some dumpy hotel room in Atlanta. I walked this morning. Sorry, I misread this at first, taking it to mean that you got some exercise this morning - not "walked" as in "left". That throws a different light on things. Trust you are ok at the moment - or as ok as can be expected. Ms enna always used to offer this (below) suggestion to anyone who had just left. Channeling and para-phrasing her here - "No matter what, if you are thinking of going back (and you will think that at times) commit to not acting on that for at least 24 hours" Thinking of you at this most difficult time Sister surfergirl .
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 27, 2018 23:04:12 GMT -5
By the way, I’m in some dumpy hotel room in Atlanta. I walked this morning. Take your time and let yourself breath. You don't want to make any snap decisions, this includes going back.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 27, 2018 23:43:30 GMT -5
Thank you. I’m hurting right now, and all my worldly goods are packed in a 13 gallon trash bag.
It may seem my decisions are rash, but you guys are seeing the tail end of 21 years of sexlesssness. My appearance here is new, but not the problem or the legal preps.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 27, 2018 23:49:50 GMT -5
mypaintbrushesHe is owning the 20 years of sexlessness but blaming me for playing games now. I asked for sex last night but he refused because he wanted to “make love” but he can’t because divorce is on the table. I asked for baby steps. Always a reason the answer is no. Even noble.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 27, 2018 23:53:32 GMT -5
Well, baza , I’m willing to own my shit, stay in therapy , and type an answer from a hotel room in Atlanta that doesn’t have hot water. Sounds like a plan, although I would get a better place to stay. Having had to redefine myself several times in my life, I know how difficult this is. Stay on your path, and don’t let self-pity distract you.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 28, 2018 0:59:49 GMT -5
mypaintbrushesHe is owning the 20 years of sexlessness but blaming me for playing games now. I asked for sex last night but he refused because he wanted to “make love” but he can’t because divorce is on the table. I asked for baby steps. Always a reason the answer is no. Even noble. I’m so sorry. Please let me know if you need anything.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2018 8:47:52 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes He is owning the 20 years of sexlessness but blaming me for playing games now. I asked for sex last night but he refused because he wanted to “make love” but he can’t because divorce is on the table. I asked for baby steps. Always a reason the answer is no. Even noble. "Always a reason the answer is no. Even noble." That cuts deep. It sounds like a major tipping point? They are NEVER easy while it's happening. You are being smart to retreat, to guard your heart and regroup, stratagize, and plan for battle. Some questions and thoughts for you, if you haven't gone over them already. (you don't have to answer any of them on here, but do think about them) 1) Why must you be the one to leave the house? 2) Doesn't he travel too? 3) You did mention that you have friends? Can they be there for you? 4) Why Atlanta? You live in a different state, and have a condo in a different state? 5) Are you aware of the rules of abandonment when it comes to the real estate? (all it takes is a month) 6) Have you considered that you are playing into his hand even more by leaving? He comes out smelling like a rose with the kids, but you are the one leaving? How will they know the truth? on a side note: During our therapy my W handed me a "contract" she wanted me to sign. She wanted me to leave the house for a month, and see how I do with out her!.The ironic part was the strings attached, she still expected me to transport the kids around the whole time! LMAO! Most likely she was aiming for the abandonment so she could claim the house. I folded up her little "contract" tucked it in my binder, and said" NO!! No,... you leave. WE will do just fine without you. I will continue to handle ALL of my responsibilities with raising the teens and maintaining the house. You just keep the money in the bank so the bills get paid". That .Ended .That. (something I can show the judge) You have hard choices to make, put yourself first this time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 28, 2018 10:05:22 GMT -5
baza h Because my H told told me he’d do WHATEVER it takes to win me over until the divorce was final. I threw sex on the table last night and now it’s “game playing”. The excuses NEVER END. I give up. So hubby can give you hour long massages, give you diamonds, offer you vacations, and trips, knowing the divorce is not final, and that is not "game playing", when it fits his agenda of buying your love? But when you ask for touch and togetherness, sex and intimacy, that is "game playing"? It sure sounds like a smelly load of double standards, and manipulative control, all spoken and acted out with zero empathy. Like you say "the excuses NEVER END". You can GIVE UP on being conned ,manipulated, played, and mentally abused, but do not give up on finding and restoring your true self. It's in your heart, and it's out there for others to help you restore it.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 28, 2018 11:06:53 GMT -5
"Well, baza, I’m willing to own my shit, stay in therapy , and type an answer from a hotel room in Atlanta that doesn’t have hot water."
You say you're a millionaire. If so, why are you staying in a dumpy hotel and why did you bring "all of your belongings" in a trash bag? You deserve better and if you are a millionaire, you have the money to treat yourself better.
Have you talked to a lawyer to find out how you can leave the family home without its counting as abandonment?
Don't you have younger kids at home? What are you doing to ensure their emotional welfare during this difficult time? Walking out by yourself doesn't seem kind to them. I'm not suggesting that you not divorce. I'm saying don't do it impulsively in a way that hurts your kids and yourself.
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