tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Jan 3, 2018 7:30:33 GMT -5
This is a pretty old thread and we don't hear much from either of the two parties as to where the marriage is now. ricki posted some music back in mid Dec. but nothing about the marriage. My main comment is that neither party seems very honest, or perhaps they simply don't see or recognize much of what is happening or not happening with their respective behaviors. Not much communication going on. ricki paints his W as asexual and non-receptive to his needs, she paints him as absent in the upbringing of his own children, dumping their needs off on her while he caries on online affairs, while expecting her to work full time as well as manage the home. Neither talks to the other it seems. In addition it seems the W monitors ricki's phone ands computer pretty closely and is aware of his dalliances and time here, so I get the impression she is probably very controlling. I come away feeling ricki is more along the lines of conniving and lazy in how he deals with the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship. I don't think this marriage is headed anywhere good. I’m surprised they aren’t divorced yet. The wife just posted a few hours ago saying Ricky had an online affair in Sept. maybe he was only looking for someone to care for his kids when he married her. Very sad
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Post by h on Jan 3, 2018 8:01:26 GMT -5
It's nice to see both sides represented here. I almost wish I could hear from more refusers. @myaccount1 and ricky2669 probably need to work on talking to each other more. It seems both have valid grievances to deal with and also that one or both are being less than honest about the whole situation. Please both of you, keep the thread going and let us know if you make any progress.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 3, 2018 8:06:03 GMT -5
I hope you get marital counseling to air grievances and work things out.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 3, 2018 10:21:05 GMT -5
@myaccount1 , welcome to the forum. Some food for thought...
People end up here as a *last resort*. They're here because they've tried what they know and they hit a brick wall. They feel stuck. Googling "sexless marriage" isn't top-of-mind for anyone.
People come here hoping to find a fix for their marriage. This isn't a hookup joint - sites like Tinder and Ashley-Madison are far better-known resources for folks looking to cheat.
"There are 3 sides to every story - his, hers, and the truth." There are always more details behind the scenes, and most of us own some role in the dysfunction. But pretty universally, folks that land here feel that their spouse is ignoring their pleas - won't discuss it, won't share responsibility, aren't motivated to fix it.
If nothing else, hopefully your discovery here will instigate real, open, honest conversation and work on the issue - on both sides. *Nothing* will improve unless you are both committed to the process.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 3, 2018 14:28:11 GMT -5
I have offered counseling, it went nowhere fast. I do want intimacy with my wife. But simple fact is, she does not want the same with me or from me. Yeah she likes a little tlc here and there. But it never goes beyond that. And for anyone thinking my mind is made up about having an affair, it's not. I do not want that either. But my needs aren't being met in the slightest. Yet she wants me to lead our house, then second guesses or over rides my decisions. Then I'm reminded how I've not led us. Or she has done this or that for our family. If we argue, I'm reminded 2-3 months down the road what I said to her etc. I'm just completely lost at the moment. But I do know I crave attention, affection, and intimacy. To the point now that I may seek it elsewhere and let the chip fall where they may. I just really don't know. We've been together 3 years now. So I know it's early still. And I don't want another failed marriage. Sorry, son, but this isn't a "failed marriage". It's a bait-and-switch. It hasn't had a chance to be a marriage yet. My inclination would be to tell her that if all her aspirations are for a walking wallet, to go look elsewhere. Admiral Ackbar said it best: I'm not saying to bail today, but you should definitely tell her that sex is the defining act of marriage, and if there is no sex then there is no marriage. Better to wake up to the bait and switch now than 20 years in like I did.
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Post by wastedyears on Jan 3, 2018 15:49:41 GMT -5
First of all since my husband ricky2669 is on a forum instead of discussing his issues with me, HIS WIFE,& throwing me to the wolves let me tell more of the story. We have 4 kids, (3 of which are his from his previous marriage. 1 from mine who has Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Our chemistry & sex was like no other. A once in a lifetime love, lust, & what fantasies are made of until we moved in together where, he places me in a fulltime parent role to replace his children's absent, deadbeat mother. So I went from having 1 child to a mother of 4 kids, plus working. The blended family blues is all I can say! You know, where he placed the entire load on my shoulders! Yeah, he failed to mention that. He also failed to mention that prior to all of this I was a spontaneous, couldn't wait to wake up & knock the day out of the ballpark kind of girl. Fast forward starting over after both of us coming from 17 year marriage/s was difficult. Add 3 kids 2 of which resent me & 1 special needs child plus work... I can't imagine why by 10:30 at night I'm ready to collapse! To stumble upon this thread is not only hurtful, but infuriating & devastating all in one. I have been EXTREMELY lonely this past yr. & did I mention ricky2669 allowed me to advance our family to purchase our new home Dec 2016 while he was considering outsourcing?! Why not divorce me ricky2669 why put our children through everything you have. You know...the, "online affair," I recently found out about Sept 2017! That's right he had an affair while I cared for our children, running my autistic son to all of his appts, his 8 yr old who has had multiple issues with lying & stealing. The list goes on people. I want sex. I want attention & love too, but to be the woman you desire you have to father your own children too! It's so rare to get a perspective from the other side. I am so curious about your reasoning. Are you withholding sex as a punishment? If so, did you explain to him why he was being punished? Or is it a loss of attraction due to the duties that you feel he has shirked? Your husband posted over a year ago; I'm guessing that the issues are the same. You say that you want sex, love and attention, so why are you denying both of you these basic needs? Do you really think that withholding sex from him will make your issues improve or go away?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 3, 2018 22:29:03 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum, @myaccount1. I am glad you’ve chosen to voice your side of the story here. I hope that the emotions stirred up by reading posts from each other will be an impetus to verbalize your points of view in person with each other, whether alone or with a counselor. This is so rare. Rare enough that it would seem to be ... your marriage could possibly be turned around. I will be interested to follow any future updates from you two. I was never successful in getting my Ex to speak with me on our sexless state - at least not without triggering his defense mechanisms. I hope differently for you two. You, as a couple, seem to care greatly & may have the passion required to actually change the state of your relationship. I wish you both the best in that endeavor. Honestly.
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 4, 2018 2:52:33 GMT -5
A once in a lifetime love, lust, & what fantasies are made of until we moved in together....Fast forward starting over after both of us coming from 17 year marriage/s was difficult. Add 3 kids 2 of which resent me & 1 special needs child plus work... I can't imagine why by 10:30 at night I'm ready to collapse! To stumble upon this thread is not only hurtful, but infuriating & devastating all in one. I have been EXTREMELY lonely this past yr..... Welcome to the forum, @myaccount1. I hope you and your husband can work out your marriage issues. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's affair. Hopefully your nightmare can end soon. Marriage is tough (I've been with my spouse for 24 years). It takes a lot of love for one another and your kids. You can use this forum not only for feeding wolves, but as a medium to express your anger and frustration. And for other positive things too. And get other perspectives. Good luck.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 4, 2018 6:40:13 GMT -5
First of all since my husband ricky2669 is on a forum instead of discussing his issues with me, HIS WIFE,& throwing me to the wolves let me tell more of the story. We have 4 kids, (3 of which are his from his previous marriage. 1 from mine who has Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Our chemistry & sex was like no other. A once in a lifetime love, lust, & what fantasies are made of until we moved in together where, he places me in a fulltime parent role to replace his children's absent, deadbeat mother. So I went from having 1 child to a mother of 4 kids, plus working. The blended family blues is all I can say! You know, where he placed the entire load on my shoulders! Yeah, he failed to mention that. He also failed to mention that prior to all of this I was a spontaneous, couldn't wait to wake up & knock the day out of the ballpark kind of girl. Fast forward starting over after both of us coming from 17 year marriage/s was difficult. Add 3 kids 2 of which resent me & 1 special needs child plus work... I can't imagine why by 10:30 at night I'm ready to collapse! To stumble upon this thread is not only hurtful, but infuriating & devastating all in one. I have been EXTREMELY lonely this past yr. & did I mention ricky2669 allowed me to advance our family to purchase our new home Dec 2016 while he was considering outsourcing?! Why not divorce me ricky2669 why put our children through everything you have. You know...the, "online affair," I recently found out about Sept 2017! That's right he had an affair while I cared for our children, running my autistic son to all of his appts, his 8 yr old who has had multiple issues with lying & stealing. The list goes on people. I want sex. I want attention & love too, but to be the woman you desire you have to father your own children too! It's so rare to get a perspective from the other side. I am so curious about your reasoning. Are you withholding sex as a punishment? If so, did you explain to him why he was being punished? Or is it a loss of attraction due to the duties that you feel he has shirked? Your husband posted over a year ago; I'm guessing that the issues are the same. You say that you want sex, love and attention, so why are you denying both of you these basic needs? Do you really think that withholding sex from him will make your issues improve or go away? Nobody but nobody who really really wants sex turns it down with their partner unless they just don’t fancy them anymore. Just like someone who is really really tired, who has the opportunity to have a sleep doesn’t deprive themselves of sleep. It makes no sense! The reality is that @myaccount1 was either perfectly happy without sex or happy enough to punish him by not offering it and we all sit here scratching our heads as to why he ended up cheating. I think not!
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NurseM
New Member
Married
Posts: 8
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by NurseM on Jan 4, 2018 6:41:53 GMT -5
A once in a lifetime love, lust, & what fantasies are made of until we moved in together....Fast forward starting over after both of us coming from 17 year marriage/s was difficult. Add 3 kids 2 of which resent me & 1 special needs child plus work... I can't imagine why by 10:30 at night I'm ready to collapse! To stumble upon this thread is not only hurtful, but infuriating & devastating all in one. I have been EXTREMELY lonely this past yr..... Welcome to the forum, @myaccount1. I hope you and your husband can work out your marriage issues. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's affair. Hopefully your nightmare can end soon. Marriage is tough (I've been with my spouse for 24 years). It takes a lot of love for one another and your kids. You can use this forum not only for feeding wolves, but as a medium to express your anger and frustration. And for other positive things too. And get other perspectives. Good luck.
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NurseM
New Member
Married
Posts: 8
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by NurseM on Jan 4, 2018 9:02:23 GMT -5
For those that are genuinely interested allow me to enlighten you all. I am not a, "bait & switch," woman. I am 44 yrs old & ricky2669 is 41. When we met we were both going through our divorces of 17 yrs. ricky2669 came into the picture 3 mo after his & approx 1 mo out from mine. With great hesitation I accepted his friend request because his sister had been a patient of mine for over 10 yrs. I actually took care of his then wife who was pregnant with my stepdaughter. I don't recall ever meeting him at the visits, but non the less, (although I was not looking nor was I ready to start dating,) I did accept his friendship after countless deletions. He's very persistent! It was a very difficult time for both of us. Unlike going on dates where it takes a lifetime to get to know one other, we talked on messenger around the clock & met for dinner about a month or so later. We never turned back. We were there 24/7 For one another throughout our divorce processe/s & throughout his custody battle, (3 from his marriage & mine, who my ex-husb & I adopted @ birth.) It's my child who has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although my ex & I co-parent ricky2669 is very hands on as well. Together we have 4 children. Their mother has been an absentee parent for the majority of the time. The breaks we do have are when my son goes to his dad's every Wed & now every other wk end. His 3, well, it's hit or miss, but she has become a little more stable. Having a child with special needs is EXTREMELY demanding. In 2016 alone I would sit on my lunchbreak & respond to the some 340 emails I rec'd that yr in addition to all of the school calls, IEP meetings, therapy appts etc. Before he was finally stabilized we dealt w/some 20 + meltdowns a day. Then the wk end would come & the mother of his 3 would back out from getting them. I'm not the typical step parent. I actually bridged the gap of communication btwn the kids & their mother because I knew how critical it was for them. I honestly don't view them as my step children. We both view them as, "our kids." With that said, hindsight is always 20/20. I realize now the mistakes I have made. For starters we are both go getters. He needed help raising them & naturally as a mother I stepped in. Never, ever leave a man with idle hands. I began to resent him for his lack of hands on parenting regardless of my explaining my needs to him. You know allowing him to be on his phone entirely too much. I trusted him. In my previous marriage he would leave on Mon & rtn on Fri. Trust was never an issue. So I pretty much went from being a married, single mother throughout the wk w/a wk end husband for 17 yrs to living in a family of 6 7 days a wk. That was an overwhelming mid-life change. ricky2669 is a mgr, but at home he was, "off the clock." What I mean is, he could lead at wk, but lacked leadership in our hm. It turned into total chaos. His 3 showed zero respect towards us or their things. Resentment set in & I don't recall overriding his authority as he showed none at hm. Don't get it twisted, he is a very attentive man, but he has a problem with not following through on anything, (He's hot as hell though.) So as my resentment grew because I took over most responsibilities he allowed it. What man wouldn't? I'm fully aware of my mistakes, but I assure you I had nothing, but the best intentions for our family. I guess because of messenger we got into the habit of communicating through messaging, texts & emails & because of work & also to keep the kids from witnessing our disagreements. I never made any such rule of no sex while the kids were hm. That is just not true. When not at wk we are together 24/7. He is my bestfriend. We do everything together & to be honest we like it this way. We are both free to have outside friendships, but he has everything I need to be honest. To address the lack of intamacy; It went from several days a wk until our lives were taken over by our schedules the kids, their issues & counseling to once a wk. He c/o once a wk not being enough & aside from that I began to get lost in such a drastic lifestyle change I admit I fell into a depression. There is SO much more to our story, but he also failed to mention that he has a compulsive lying issue, ie., no matter how ridiculous the reason is he will lie & stick by it until the damage is done & then finally admit it. I lost respect for him. I lost respect for my husband. The lies were re: his infidelity in his previous marriage, the fact that he's into, "shemale porn," to huge lies & menial lies. I am totally into S&M. I love spiked hills & corsets, I'm open to everything except a 3rd party & a few other exceptions that are reasonable. The lies came out over time & the stress of watching his 3 constantly being let down by their biological mother & the list goes on I lost myself. These lies weren't meant to shield me from pain, he does it out of habit. We DID attend counseling & he agreed to rebuild his trust by being transparent with his online activity since that was what he used. He admitted he was addicted to his smartphone & agreed to a flip phone. Said that was the best thing to happen to him. How I stumbled upon this forum is I admit I do not trust him given he has 11 different emails & a ton of other things that a married man has no business being involved in. He was fully aware of my background checking him as I have been totally honest. I needed closure because I didn't & don't trust that he's being 100% honest. Once again he was given multiple opportunities to be honest & he swore everything was on the table. We began moving to a place of healing & our sex life was hot & heavy again, the chemistry is like that out of 50 Shade if Grey! We have always had the most amazing chemistry & sex. Best either of us has ever had. That is until I found on here where he was looking into outsourcing & talking to his married, "friend with benefits." He lies so much! We were not totally sexless in a span of a yr. It was definitely more than twice I can assure you! But to any man not getting sex as frequently as he wants it may as well be zero. I honestly believed we would grow old together regardless of our blended family challenges. But his sneaky double life is what prevents us from moving forward! He has an amazing family, an in shape, hot wife who is into the same sexual lifestle as himself wth?! What's a wife to do? I've told him I'm down with it before the end of a chaotic day drained from life's daily struggles. I even called him hm for lunch just a few wks ago. He just can't remain honest. He can't follow through on his promises to lead our family even with me by his side supporting him. So this is where we are at the moment. There is still so much love, attraction & passion, but he is so full of pride he's about to throw it all away! In his previous marriage they got married very young. Had kids very young. According to him she was unfaithful, but until recently when he admitted to our family that he had been unfaithful to me he admitted then that he was unfaithful to his ex-wife. He seemed very remorseful and that's why I was willing to move forward. Fast forward 3 months & this is where we are now. He refuses to admit that he met his friend with benefits in person, but how can I believe him when he lies about everything? I am open to advice, but I am so devastated that if you're going to rip me apart...please just spare me.
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Post by csl on Jan 4, 2018 10:17:46 GMT -5
... but how can I believe him when he lies about everything? I am open to advice, but I am so devastated that if you're going to rip me apart...please just spare me. We have his posts from last year and we have your posts from this year. Either both of you post, or make appointments with counselors. Something just doesn't add up. "He that speaks first in his own cause seems just; until his neighbor comes and examines him." (Prov. 18.17)
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 4, 2018 10:18:59 GMT -5
NurseM, thanks for coming back and sharing your thoughts in detail. If you stick around, some productive discussion may come out of this. A lot of people here have endured their pain for years, so don't be too surprised at some of the reactions you might get, but there are usually some worthwhile bits. Hopefully, some below. I won't blindly defend your husband's claims of fidelity in the face of opportunity, and Occam's Razor says you're probably right. On the other hand, I and others here have been accused of cheating when the conditions and opportunity were ripe, but events didn't happen. That there is a shred of sexual desire between you is a huge deal, let alone at the level you share here. That suggests there's at least still a strong foundation to rebuild if you two can overcome other dynamics in your relationship. Many here struggle with a dead bed, where even if the rest of the relationship were salvageable it's still a lost cause. It's good to hear that you've been to counseling together. I'll suggest that from what you describe, the two of you could use a lot more help to work through these issues; that's not a slam, it's a fact that it's hard to do and most of us are ill-equipped to tackle it without experienced, outside perspective. Not unlike how even a smart person will ask peers for their perspective. One thing that stands out to me is how the dynamic between you has changed since marriage. Early on, you two managed to overcome all the challenges of family life and logistics as single parents in order to have time with each other. Now it should seemingly be easier as a couple, yet you're finding it harder. That says that one or both of you are not making the effort any more. Certainly, the dynamics of a blended family are a new twist. But at the same time it's also easy to let the wrong priorities consume your time. Projecting my own experiences here, I've seen where my wife will allow herself to be sucked into (or instigate) drama with the kids that never needed to happen in the first place - where things would have worked themselves out (e.g., law of natural consequences) if she wouldn't over-parent. But because she didn't restrain herself, she ends the day exhausted by things that didn't actually demand her involvement. And I'm left with the burned out shell of a spouse. It's a difference in parenting style. Am I wrong to let things play out instead of intervening? She might claim that I'm abdicating my role to her; I would say that the void is intentional, and there was no need for her to step into it. The answer isn't for me to copy her bad behavior just so she has someone to commiserate with. You might see if there's some of this happening in your household - the dynamics of "managing" 3 children is very different than managing one, especially one requiring the attention of a special-needs condition. So, his idea of parenting style is going to be different from yours. It's easy for nurturing personalities to jump into a gap - there is always "more" that could be done. And it's easy to let the "demand" grow to consume (or overwhelm) one person's time, to the point that the only gating factor is stopping when exhaustion overtakes you. I would normally suggest that this nurturing quality (and the hazards it carries) is popular among mothers. But on top of that, you've voluntarily adopted a special-needs child which suggests it's a particularly strong quality of yours. Then, judging from your name here, you're a nurse. Be cautious because that nurturing quality can also be a flaw. So, bottom-line, I'm not suggesting your husband is blame-free here, but I would recommend a hard look at whether you're allowing yourself to be consumed by demand that isn't as demanding as you see it to be. That's way deeper than can be effectively explored in a forum - a counselor would be a good move to pursue this. Cheers, DC
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 4, 2018 10:20:18 GMT -5
Is NurseM and @myaccount1 the same person?
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 4, 2018 10:23:37 GMT -5
Is NurseM and @myaccount1 the same person? That's my conclusion, yes.
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