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Post by ricky2669 on Dec 30, 2016 10:48:27 GMT -5
Well apparently was just delivered another blow. All 4 kids were going to be away from home this weekend. We were going to use this time to try and reconnect. But as usual, the marriage God's have different plans. All 4 are sick with the flu. I hate my life
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2016 12:02:13 GMT -5
I don't suggest you open with this to your wife but it seems a lot of times they just don't see that sex is important or valuable in a marriage and as you tell them why it is they just don't get it. Then you can say "well if sex is so unimportant to you can I get it somewhere else and you won't have to deal with it" ...... and when they get mad at that then you can reply "well obviously sex is important then" and hopefully start a dialogue on the need for sex
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Post by beachguy on Dec 30, 2016 12:09:27 GMT -5
Your marriage already failed. In fact, it was probably still born, just like mine. Enforced celibacy Is the biggest fail possible.
For me, 30 years. If she didn't want to fuck you early in the marriage, she never will.
Celibacy is not an option.
If you were good enough to marry then you should have been good enough to fuck. If you weren't then it was your wallet and baby sitting skills she was after.
And please never consider adopting her children. That is as bad as making new ones with her. You don't need any more ball and chains
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Post by solodriver on Dec 30, 2016 13:32:24 GMT -5
"But my needs aren't being met in the slightest. Yet she wants me to lead our house, then second guesses or over rides my decisions. Then I'm reminded how I've not led us. Or she has done this or that for our family. If we argue, I'm reminded 2-3 months down the road what I said to her etc. I'm just completely lost at the moment. But I do know I crave attention, affection, and intimacy. To the point now that I may seek it elsewhere and let the chip fall where they may. I just really don't know. We've been together 3 years now. So I know it's early still. And I don't want another failed marriage."
Ricky I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm in the exact same kind of marriage situation. Except I've been married 28 years and in a SM for the past 16. And nothing I say or do changes or helps the situation with my wife. And it gets harder to make the changes necessary because it will affect my retirement and other financial matters that I don't want to have to endure.
You need to let her know what you are feeling and what her actions are doing to your marriage. If she loves you, she will apologize, feel your pain and make the changes necessary. If not, she doesn't love you and you are there to be her roommate, medical and financial support but not as a lover or anything else. And, I'm hope I'm wrong, but she seems like the type that will get her needs met elsewhere if she wants to. My ex wife did that to me. Didn't want to have sex with me for "medical" reasons and then found someone to have sex with, moved in with him and divorced me anyway.
I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but you will be me in 13 more years my friend if you don't get this issue resolved now.
Good luck. If you want, read other stories in here that are similar and you will see what I mean. And just so you know SM also affects women as well so read those stories too so you understand it doesn't matter the gender. Ruthless refusers, in my book, are as bad as physical abusers, because I consider SM to be emotional abuse. It will destroy you and your self esteem and your feelings for her and could ultimately destroy or make very difficult the ability to open up to someone who would be interested in you if you do end up divorcing.
Also on the legal side, the longer you stay married, the harder it will be to undo everything further down the road.
Know that you're not alone in this. In the meantime we are a very wonderful group who care about each other. Some may kick you in the butt from time to time, but it's because they care too and don't want to see you hurting anymore than you need too. I've made some wonderful friends here whom I can share with and who reach out to me in kindness, care and genuine concern. Without that daily support, I don't want to think where my mind would have taken me.
Welcome to the group no one wants to be a part of, but has the BEST, KINDEST, CARING and LOVING people on this earth.
Solo Driver
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 30, 2016 13:33:20 GMT -5
The kids are ill but that doesn't mean you can't still have a serious talk with her about how important intimacy is to you and how destructive her behavior is to the marriage. My 1 word of warning is to beware of "reset" sex coming into play as a means of mollifying you for the short term. Intimacy should take many forms and be demonstrated by both parties often. Simple sex doled out as required to keep the unhappy spouse quiet for a spell won't be very satisfying for you in the long run. Your story reminds me of my X. Prior to marriage she initiated as often as me, a couple times a week. After marriage it was me initiating almost exclusively. Followed by a gradual shutdown and then sex pretty much on a quarterly basis, when she was "in the mood". Good luck partner, you're going to need it.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 30, 2016 13:38:19 GMT -5
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 30, 2016 13:45:37 GMT -5
Also on the legal side, the longer you stay married, the harder it will be to undo everything further down the road. Harder and much more expensive! This is not a problem to be left unresolved, for sure. Right now, ricky2669 is probably looking at splitting only the assets increased during marriage, zero child support and little/short alimony. As time goes on, assets and alimony will increase, and toss in an "accidental" pregnancy the financial landscape changes a lot.
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Post by csl on Dec 30, 2016 14:52:45 GMT -5
I don't suggest you open with this to your wife but it seems a lot of times they just don't see that sex is important or valuable in a marriage and as you tell them why it is they just don't get it. Then you can say "well if sex is so unimportant to you can I get it somewhere else and you won't have to deal with it" ...... and when they get mad at that then you can reply "well obviously sex is important then" and hopefully start a dialogue on the need for sex Have you been reading my blog? I did a post last year in which I wrote that the perfect response to "Oh, go get someone to hook up with" is to ask for help in finding another partner. And, of course, to go to the pastor of the church (I write for a Christian audience) for pre-affair counseling. After all, you had pre-marital counseling, so let's go to the preacher for pre-affair counseling.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2018 3:49:06 GMT -5
ricky2669, while I've become very sympathetic toward affairs and the reason they can happen in a sexless marriage, I don't encourage them because they make a bad situation worse and mask problems that need to be dealt with. In some cases they yield the enlightenment and self-confidence that motivates someone to take action, but I don't see that being an obstacle for you. In your case, sex stopped about 6 months in? Sounds like pretty cut-and-dried bait & switch. Whether she realizes it or will admit to it, her motivation was probably finding a co-parent and financial stability. At the end of the day, that's not enough to keep her fire for you burning. That's not any reflection on you, but rather her being too blinded by ulterior motives to make a sound mate selection. She may not even have done it consciously, but that wouldn't change the facts. Meanwhile, she's getting out of the marriage everything that's important to her, so why change? Now, here's the Devil's Dilemma... if she's motivated by fear of divorce, her desire to change will not be genuine; she will likely experience a sudden, dramatic return of her sexuality, but these results will be superficial and temporary. If she's genuinely motivated by a desire to change and deepen your relationship, then she will make the sincere efforts to change her thinking. The rub is that this is really rare, and it's not fast. She has to acknowledge there's an issue in the first place, accept her role in fixing it, and make a concerted effort. You could easily spend another year and a half getting back to 'acceptable', and will probably never regain 'great'. Oh, by the way... be very wary of pregnancy as a way to snare you. More than one refuser has 'forgotten' to mention that she stopped her birth control.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2018 4:22:11 GMT -5
First of all since my husband ricky2669 is on a forum instead of discussing his issues with me, HIS WIFE,& throwing me to the wolves let me tell more of the story. We have 4 kids, (3 of which are his from his previous marriage. 1 from mine who has Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Our chemistry & sex was like no other. A once in a lifetime love, lust, & what fantasies are made of until we moved in together where, he places me in a fulltime parent role to replace his children's absent, deadbeat mother. So I went from having 1 child to a mother of 4 kids, plus working. The blended family blues is all I can say! You know, where he placed the entire load on my shoulders! Yeah, he failed to mention that. He also failed to mention that prior to all of this I was a spontaneous, couldn't wait to wake up & knock the day out of the ballpark kind of girl. Fast forward starting over after both of us coming from 17 year marriage/s was difficult. Add 3 kids 2 of which resent me & 1 special needs child plus work... I can't imagine why by 10:30 at night I'm ready to collapse! To stumble upon this thread is not only hurtful, but infuriating & devastating all in one. I have been EXTREMELY lonely this past yr. & did I mention ricky2669 allowed me to advance our family to purchase our new home Dec 2016 while he was considering outsourcing?! Why not divorce me ricky2669 why put our children through everything you have. You know...the, "online affair," I recently found out about Sept 2017! That's right he had an affair while I cared for our children, running my autistic son to all of his appts, his 8 yr old who has had multiple issues with lying & stealing. The list goes on people. I want sex. I want attention & love too, but to be the woman you desire you have to father your own children too! You can't use me to bridge the communication gap between said absent parent & our kids, deal with everything I have from your family, dedicate my life to nursing AND run our itineraries, ie., mothering you in that I have to remind YOU what bills to pay & when. What about my needs? I could have chosen to remain a single mother without all of this! I gave up the greatest sex I've ever had, time ALONE with you, the amazing chemistry to move in, marry you & find myself on this forum! I must be in my worst nightmare. If you're going to complain then look me in my face instead of through text or email & tell me what you need!!! & for those of you who commented with, "bait & switch, or she's doing it for stability," You couldn't be farther from the truth. I was/am fully capable of taking care of myself financially beforehand. & he doesn't have to be weary of a pregnancy with me because that is a non issue. His outsourced companions is another concern! ~Your Wife
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 3, 2018 5:07:38 GMT -5
First of all since my husband ricky2669 is on a forum instead of discussing his issues with me, HIS WIFE,& throwing me to the wolves let me tell more of the story. We have 4 kids, (3 of which are his from his previous marriage. 1 from mine who has Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Our chemistry & sex was like no other. A once in a lifetime love, lust, & what fantasies are made of until we moved in together where, he places me in a fulltime parent role to replace his children's absent, deadbeat mother. So I went from having 1 child to a mother of 4 kids, plus working. The blended family blues is all I can say! You know, where he placed the entire load on my shoulders! Yeah, he failed to mention that. He also failed to mention that prior to all of this I was a spontaneous, couldn't wait to wake up & knock the day out of the ballpark kind of girl. Fast forward starting over after both of us coming from 17 year marriage/s was difficult. Add 3 kids 2 of which resent me & 1 special needs child plus work... I can't imagine why by 10:30 at night I'm ready to collapse! To stumble upon this thread is not only hurtful, but infuriating & devastating all in one. I have been EXTREMELY lonely this past yr. & did I mention ricky2669 allowed me to advance our family to purchase our new home Dec 2016 while he was considering outsourcing?! Why not divorce me ricky2669 why put our children through everything you have. You know...the, "online affair," I recently found out about Sept 2017! That's right he had an affair while I cared for our children, running my autistic son to all of his appts, his 8 yr old who has had multiple issues with lying & stealing. The list goes on people. I want sex. I want attention & love too, but to be the woman you desire you have to father your own children too! You can't use me to bridge the communication gap between said absent parent & our kids, deal with everything I have from your family, dedicate my life to nursing AND run our itineraries, ie., mothering you in that I have to remind YOU what bills to pay & when. What about my needs? I could have chosen to remain a single mother without all of this! I gave up the greatest sex I've ever had, time ALONE with you, the amazing chemistry to move in, marry you & find myself on this forum! I must be in my worst nightmare. If you're going to complain then look me in my face instead of through text or email & tell me what you need!!! & for those of you who commented with, "bait & switch, or she's doing it for stability," You couldn't be farther from the truth. I was/am fully capable of taking care of myself financially beforehand. & he doesn't have to be weary of a pregnancy with me because that is a non issue. His outsourced companions is another concern! ~Your Wife Hmm, sounds like there were 2 people not communicating! ricky2669 has already mentioned that he has tried to talk to you and offered the chance of counselling. Is this not true? He has also mentioned that when he tries to lead the way in your house, his decisions are over ridden! Snap for my house too. The fact that he is here is likely to be that communicating with you has been difficult enough to turn to a forum full of strangers. Did you ever recognised what appears to have been an obvious problem and try and raise it in conversation? Welcome to the forum by the way!
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tori
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Post by tori on Jan 3, 2018 6:15:48 GMT -5
It appears neither of you are communicating your needs. I wonder if either of you talked about your expectations of marriage prior to marrying? I’m guessing the answer is no since Ricky’s wife responded on this forum instead of speaking to Ricky personally.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 3, 2018 6:57:38 GMT -5
I agree and although I have a degree of sympathy for @myaccount1 as she has found out something very upsetting, she has also stated that she wanted sex but by 10:30 is ready to collapse. Let’s just address this I’m too tired, go to excuse of nearly all refusers bull shit, once and for all. You aren’t being asked to go out and do a 40 mile bike ride. It’s laying in bed with your partner once a freaking week and making love TOGETHER! If you’re knackered at 10:30, once a week, turn the damn tv off, put your phone on silent, ditch the candy bloody crush saga and go to bed at 9:30!!!!!! Make room for it. The reality here is that @myaccount1 didn’t want or need to make room for it like so many others who’s partners end up here. If she did want to, she would have made room for it but instead we have this, how could he possibly have an affair type of victim mentality. I don’t know all the facts but what I am hearing is that ‘he’ should have brought things up (he says he did), he should have made more effort, he should have read her mind because she wasn’t prepared to talk either, he should have remained sexually faithful to a woman that has sex twice in 12 months. Twice! Get real! How come you were able to do at all if 10:30 you have to collapse? How was it possible on those occasions? Probably like my wife because you wanted a shag! And like my wife, you used your husband just like a dildo in the bedside drawer, you got him out on the odd occasion you fancied it and you sexually pleased yourself with him. Then you put him back in the drawer for 6 months.
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tori
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Jan 3, 2018 7:06:47 GMT -5
I agree and although I have a degree of sympathy for her as she has found out something very upsetting, she has also stated that she wanted sex but by 10:30 is ready to collapse. Let’s just address this I’m too tired, go to excuse of nearly all refusers bull shit, once and for all. You aren’t being asked to go out and do. 40 mike bike ride. It’s laying in bed with your partner one a freaking week and making love TOGETHER! If you’re knackered at 1030, once a week go to bed at 9:30!!!!!! Make room for it. The reality here is that she didn’t want or need to make room for it or she would have done and then we have this, how could he possibly have an affair type of victim mentality. I don’t know all the facts but what I am hearing is that ‘he’ should have brought things up (he says he did), he should have made more effort, he should have read her mind because she wasn’t prepared to talk either. Agree with the making room for it part. I Also believe that when you’re in love you want intimacy,sex and connection with your partner. The moment you can’t be bothered by those things is a sign the relationship needs attention.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 3, 2018 7:17:28 GMT -5
This is a pretty old thread and we don't hear much from either of the two parties as to where the marriage is now. ricki posted some music back in mid Dec. but nothing about the marriage. My main comment is that neither party seems very honest, or perhaps they simply don't see or recognize much of what is happening or not happening with their respective behaviors. Not much communication going on. ricki paints his W as asexual and non-receptive to his needs, she paints him as absent in the upbringing of his own children, dumping their needs off on her while he caries on online affairs, while expecting her to work full time as well as manage the home. Neither talks to the other it seems. In addition it seems the W monitors ricki's phone ands computer pretty closely and is aware of his dalliances and time here, so I get the impression she is probably very controlling. I come away feeling ricki is more along the lines of conniving and lazy in how he deals with the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship. I don't think this marriage is headed anywhere good.
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