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Post by ricky2669 on Dec 29, 2016 15:47:04 GMT -5
I have been married for almost a year and a half. Before we got married, we practically lived across the street from each other. Between the 2 of us, we have 4 children. And naturally they command a lot of our time. Sex was great and often up until we merged our families. She would initiate it probably 50% of the time. Me the other 50%. But all of a sudden it changed. It's like she lost interest over night. To date, we have only had sex 2 times this year. And im not used to that, nor do I want to get used to it. But in all honesty I do love her. I've tried to talk about this issue with her. But nothing has changed. The woman I was dating before my wife contacted me a few weeks ago by email. She is in a SM ad well. And is a very beautiful woman. She and I have been friends since grade school. We have confided in each other the troubles our marriages are experiencing. And she suggested that her and I meet each other's needs since our spouses have no interest in doing so. So yes, I'm confused as what to do. I'm human and desire and crave affection,love, and touch of another human body. Like I told my wife, it's nit the orgasm at the end. It's everything that happens before hand. She is always wanting it to be over as soon as she climaxes. Which is quickly. I'm not bragging, but I've never been a minute man. I could go for an hour or better. But now, I've had to pretty much retrain myself to get off as soon as she does. But that's not my end goal. My goal is to be desired, touched, and loved. I need affection and attention. So question is, do I have an affair to meet my needs of feeling wanted and desired? I don't want a divorce. But I don't want to feel constant rejection. I have not made a pass on my wife since September. And she couldn't be happier it seems. I'm so torn.
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 29, 2016 17:17:16 GMT -5
Ouch. This is all sounding a bit familiar. Have to talked to her about therapy or counseling for you two?
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Post by unmatched on Dec 29, 2016 18:22:37 GMT -5
Personally, given where you are in your marriage, I wouldn't jump straight into having an affair. It will just make it harder to sort out your marriage in whatever way that needs to happen. You are very early in this process and you need to stop it NOW. Another 2-3 years of sexless marriage and it will be set in stone forever, and if you are getting your needs met elsewhere that is much more likely to happen. You need to stop pretending that you are happy and let her know that this is absolutely not acceptable as a way of life, and that you will get more and more miserable and withdrawn as time goes on. Because, trust me, you will. You might not want to and you might go on ignoring it and putting on a brave face. But read stories here from people who have been in this for 5, 10, 20, 30 years and see what happens as it goes on longer and longer.
It might blow up your marriage, or it might just shake some sense into her. It depends on who she is and what she really wants. Your story reads like a classic bait and switch, but I guess there are conscious and unconscious reasons for that.
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Post by wom360 on Dec 29, 2016 18:49:06 GMT -5
I wouldn't bother outsourcing in a marriage that short. Just dump her and move on. It would be different if you had kids together and 10 years.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 29, 2016 19:10:57 GMT -5
Be straight up with her and lay your cards on the table. As well set a time table and clear expectations. This is why I will never marry again.
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Post by baza on Dec 29, 2016 19:47:05 GMT -5
Before you intermingled your lives, the sex was - "great and often" Then you intermingled your lives, and the sex became rare and rotten. - You might try disentangling your lives and get single again. That probably won't bring the "great and often" sex back (with her at least) but will at least give you a shot, most likely with someone else. Leaving is a perfectly legitimate choice. - The cheating option is a legitimate choice, but that won't do anything to sort out the core problem of your deal being an ILIASM shithole. - And, staying - the default position, the one you are currently choosing - is a perfectly legitimate choice too.
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Post by ricky2669 on Dec 29, 2016 20:33:05 GMT -5
I have offered counseling, it went nowhere fast. I do want intimacy with my wife. But simple fact is, she does not want the same with me or from me. Yeah she likes a little tlc here and there. But it never goes beyond that. And for anyone thinking my mind is made up about having an affair, it's not. I do not want that either. But my needs aren't being met in the slightest. Yet she wants me to lead our house, then second guesses or over rides my decisions. Then I'm reminded how I've not led us. Or she has done this or that for our family. If we argue, I'm reminded 2-3 months down the road what I said to her etc. I'm just completely lost at the moment. But I do know I crave attention, affection, and intimacy. To the point now that I may seek it elsewhere and let the chip fall where they may. I just really don't know. We've been together 3 years now. So I know it's early still. And I don't want another failed marriage.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 29, 2016 20:37:05 GMT -5
ricky2669, while I've become very sympathetic toward affairs and the reason they can happen in a sexless marriage, I don't encourage them because they make a bad situation worse and mask problems that need to be dealt with. In some cases they yield the enlightenment and self-confidence that motivates someone to take action, but I don't see that being an obstacle for you. In your case, sex stopped about 6 months in? Sounds like pretty cut-and-dried bait & switch. Whether she realizes it or will admit to it, her motivation was probably finding a co-parent and financial stability. At the end of the day, that's not enough to keep her fire for you burning. That's not any reflection on you, but rather her being too blinded by ulterior motives to make a sound mate selection. She may not even have done it consciously, but that wouldn't change the facts. Meanwhile, she's getting out of the marriage everything that's important to her, so why change? Now, here's the Devil's Dilemma... if she's motivated by fear of divorce, her desire to change will not be genuine; she will likely experience a sudden, dramatic return of her sexuality, but these results will be superficial and temporary. If she's genuinely motivated by a desire to change and deepen your relationship, then she will make the sincere efforts to change her thinking. The rub is that this is really rare, and it's not fast. She has to acknowledge there's an issue in the first place, accept her role in fixing it, and make a concerted effort. You could easily spend another year and a half getting back to 'acceptable', and will probably never regain 'great'. Oh, by the way... be very wary of pregnancy as a way to snare you. More than one refuser has 'forgotten' to mention that she stopped her birth control.
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Post by baza on Dec 29, 2016 20:55:20 GMT -5
Re - counselling. Joint counselling can never do better than the least contributor to the counselling process. That is to say if "you" (or your spouse) only put in a half arsed effort, the 'best' result possible is a half arsed one, even if you (or your spouse) are going 100% at the process. Joint counselling is always limited to the inputs of the least invested person.
Individual counselling is a different matter. You will get a result out of that equal to your commitment to the process.
In any event, counselling will NOT fix a dysfunctional marriage. What it might do is give the the spouses some tools that would help the spouses negotiate their own unique resolution to the situation. Or help the spouses see that it is a lost cause.
If your missus is as reluctant as it appears in your writings to engage in counselling (joint or individual), that is actually telling you a great deal about where your deal is headed. On that basis, individual counselling (for you) could be very beneficial.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 29, 2016 21:10:06 GMT -5
Yet she wants me to lead our house, then second guesses or over rides my decisions. Then I'm reminded how I've not led us. Or she has done this or that for our family. If we argue, I'm reminded 2-3 months down the road what I said to her etc. I'm just completely lost at the moment. These are all signs of a manipulative controller. No intimacy = no respect. No respect = no trust. No trust = no communication. No communication = divorce. Her one sided conversations sound like she overrides your boundaries like a tank. I think you will find this article useful and will begin to be aware of her manipulative ways. Do not feel dumb or stupid. Much of this behavior is trained into us from childhood. "Happy wife, happy life syndrom", "If mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Then there's your male responsibility to be the leader, the tough guy, rejection and criticism aren't supposed to bother you. Marriage is supposed to be an equal relationship. Not just one doing all the giving. One item that has been shown on here time after time. The controller (your wife) needs are met, she's happy, don't expect change, just more manipulation. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 29, 2016 22:09:20 GMT -5
ricky2669, adding to baza's point about counseling... it will only help people who want help, who want to change, who go into it with an open mind and humility. This doesn't sound like your wife. With an unwilling participant, it's like the old "I'm rubber, you're glue" schoolyard taunt -- they will ignore any points relevant to their behavior but latch onto all of your deficiencies and declare them to be the root cause. I don't get any pleasure out of saying so, but to be bluntly honest it looks grim based on what little you've shared.
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Post by snowman12345 on Dec 29, 2016 22:11:37 GMT -5
No one wants a divorce. No one wants an affair. No one wants to stay in a sm. Do you see any other alternative? There are choices for you to make, you can change only one thing - you. In the end it is your life - how do you want to spend your time?
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Post by csl on Dec 29, 2016 22:14:38 GMT -5
I have offered counseling, it went nowhere fast. I do want intimacy with my wife. But simple fact is, she does not want the same with me or from me. Yeah she likes a little tlc here and there. But it never goes beyond that. And for anyone thinking my mind is made up about having an affair, it's not. I do not want that either. But my needs aren't being met in the slightest. Yet she wants me to lead our house, then second guesses or over rides my decisions. Then I'm reminded how I've not led us. Or she has done this or that for our family. If we argue, I'm reminded 2-3 months down the road what I said to her etc. I'm just completely lost at the moment. But I do know I crave attention, affection, and intimacy. To the point now that I may seek it elsewhere and let the chip fall where they may. I just really don't know. We've been together 3 years now. So I know it's early still. And I don't want another failed marriage. Sorry, son, but this isn't a "failed marriage". It's a bait-and-switch. It hasn't had a chance to be a marriage yet. My inclination would be to tell her that if all her aspirations are for a walking wallet, to go look elsewhere. Admiral Ackbar said it best: I'm not saying to bail today, but you should definitely tell her that sex is the defining act of marriage, and if there is no sex then there is no marriage.
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Post by lyn on Dec 30, 2016 3:29:01 GMT -5
I just really don't know. We've been together 3 years now. So I know it's early still. And I don't want another failed marriage. This statement, "And I don't want another failed marriage.", ricky2669 is a dangerous one. If you dwell on this, it will be your un-doing. This very statement is what ultimately has caused me to waste the past 10 years of my life. It is not worth it. "Another failed marriage" is what you're living, the only difference is geography. The only way she will change is if she wants to. You can talk to her about this until you're blue in the face - she's not going to magically start wanting to sleep with you again. However, IF (and this is a big "if") she has a hormonal imbalance or some other undiagnosed health issue causing the lagging libido, possibly medical treatment could help. It seems pretty unlikely that she would get checked out by her dr if she's not willing to try therapy, but, maybe it's worth a shot. Ask her to go to the dr., if she refuses, I'd seriously consider what the upside is if you stay. Don't waste years on this - you have so much to offer, you deserve to be loved completely. Also, I tend to agree with what the others are saying about the affair. Why complicate matters with this. You're right, you do need affection, need to be wanted etc. if your wife will not do this - seriously consider ending it with her before turning your emotional affair into a physical one. I hope you can find some strength here - we get you.
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Post by ricky2669 on Dec 30, 2016 7:34:29 GMT -5
I deeply value everyone's input. I'm just going to sit her down this weekend and have a discussion. I know I can't spend the last half of my life like this. This isn't happiness. This isn't how a marriage works. Not successfully anyway.
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