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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 10:44:22 GMT -5
Hi, just found this site today. I've been in a low to no sex marriage for about 20 years now. I tried to change things for so long but just kept seeing the cycle of "trying harder" then things going back to sexless.
A little over two years ago I finally gave up. I realized I was going insane trying to change her. I told her we will no longer have sex because I can't live with the anger I feel any longer when she rejects me. I've also told her I'm considering divorce but she has made no changes. I moved out of the bedroom for good. I live in an apartment in the basement now. We are truly roommates now. We probably text more than we actually talk. I'm staying for the kids for now. If I moved out, they would have to as well since she can never afford the house on her own and I can't do that to the kids. Me and the wife are civil the majority of the time so its working for now. There is some power and freedom that comes in never being rejected any more.
I'm planning to wait a couple more years until my youngest graduates high school before I decide to leave. So, just existing for now until that day comes enjoying the time I have with my kids and continuing to pour into their lives.
I'm glad to find a forum where it seems so far I won't be attacked for making this decision to stay for the sake of the kids like I have on other sites.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 7, 2019 10:54:19 GMT -5
ScottDinTN welcome sounds like you have things under control. At least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 7, 2019 14:21:27 GMT -5
Hi, just found this site today. I've been in a low to no sex marriage for about 20 years now. I tried to change things for so long but just kept seeing the cycle of "trying harder" then things going back to sexless. A little over two years ago I finally gave up. I realized I was going insane trying to change her. I told her we will no longer have sex because I can't live with the anger I feel any longer when she rejects me. I've also told her I'm considering divorce but she has made no changes. I moved out of the bedroom for good. I live in an apartment in the basement now. We are truly roommates now. We probably text more than we actually talk. I'm staying for the kids for now. If I moved out, they would have to as well since she can never afford the house on her own and I can't do that to the kids. Me and the wife are civil the majority of the time so its working for now. There is some power and freedom that comes in never being rejected any more. I'm planning to wait a couple more years until my youngest graduates high school before I decide to leave. So, just existing for now until that day comes enjoying the time I have with my kids and continuing to pour into their lives. I'm glad to find a forum where it seems so far I won't be attacked for making this decision to stay for the sake of the kids like I have on other sites. Welcome! You sound pretty darn rational. Read around here; you will find you are among friends. We call your plan "the college plan" and many of us have been or are on it.
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Post by flashjohn on Oct 7, 2019 15:25:20 GMT -5
Hi, just found this site today. I've been in a low to no sex marriage for about 20 years now. I tried to change things for so long but just kept seeing the cycle of "trying harder" then things going back to sexless. A little over two years ago I finally gave up. I realized I was going insane trying to change her. I told her we will no longer have sex because I can't live with the anger I feel any longer when she rejects me. I've also told her I'm considering divorce but she has made no changes. I moved out of the bedroom for good. I live in an apartment in the basement now. We are truly roommates now. We probably text more than we actually talk. I'm staying for the kids for now. If I moved out, they would have to as well since she can never afford the house on her own and I can't do that to the kids. Me and the wife are civil the majority of the time so its working for now. There is some power and freedom that comes in never being rejected any more. I'm planning to wait a couple more years until my youngest graduates high school before I decide to leave. So, just existing for now until that day comes enjoying the time I have with my kids and continuing to pour into their lives. I'm glad to find a forum where it seems so far I won't be attacked for making this decision to stay for the sake of the kids like I have on other sites. Good decision! I hope it's not too long before the kids are grown. And i hope that you are discreetly dating.
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Post by Handy on Oct 7, 2019 15:29:41 GMT -5
ScottDinTN, welcome to the forum. I highly doubt anyone will be critical of your current plans. This is the friendliest forum I have ever read. Many people have done something similar to what you plan to do.
One piece of advice I think you will get is consulting with a lawyer and making sure your W does not incur debts that might mess up your divorce plans. We say plan for the the unexpected and hope for the best.
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Post by isthisit on Oct 7, 2019 15:43:18 GMT -5
Hello, welcome to the group. Yup, my experience was exactly as you have described with the exception of moving out of the bedroom. H and I separated in January yet continue to stay in the house to provide much needed stability for our children now aged 17 and 15 years. In our case this is facilitated by H working away from home 5/8 days. We now have separate rooms, get along okay mostly and at times it doesn’t feel so different to what we had before but without the pretence. I am of course free to pursue other relationships and much needed sexual activity if I wish. I’ve not gone there yet.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 7, 2019 16:57:32 GMT -5
Hi, just found this site today. I've been in a low to no sex marriage for about 20 years now. I tried to change things for so long but just kept seeing the cycle of "trying harder" then things going back to sexless. A little over two years ago I finally gave up. I realized I was going insane trying to change her. I told her we will no longer have sex because I can't live with the anger I feel any longer when she rejects me. I've also told her I'm considering divorce but she has made no changes. I moved out of the bedroom for good. I live in an apartment in the basement now. We are truly roommates now. We probably text more than we actually talk. I'm staying for the kids for now. If I moved out, they would have to as well since she can never afford the house on her own and I can't do that to the kids. Me and the wife are civil the majority of the time so its working for now. There is some power and freedom that comes in never being rejected any more. I'm planning to wait a couple more years until my youngest graduates high school before I decide to leave. So, just existing for now until that day comes enjoying the time I have with my kids and continuing to pour into their lives. I'm glad to find a forum where it seems so far I won't be attacked for making this decision to stay for the sake of the kids like I have on other sites. Sorry you have found yourself here, but welcome. Fear not about being attacked in here. I have, to this point, chosen to stay in my SM, and I don't even have kids.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 7, 2019 17:34:35 GMT -5
Welcome ScottDinTN,...You are not likely to be attacked here. Mostly what you will receive is honest, sincere, contrite, and hopefully helpful responses and advice from people who have lived through your situation or are still living it. That's not to say there will never be the occasion when you might get some "tuff love" if you are perceived to be really headed off the rails. But generally it's more about empathy than anger.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 19:59:15 GMT -5
Welcome ScottDinTN,...You are not likely to be attacked here. Mostly what you will receive is honest, sincere, contrite, and hopefully helpful responses and advice from people who have lived through your situation or are still living it. That's not to say there will never be the occasion when you might get some "tuff love" if you are perceived to be really headed off the rails. But generally it's more about empathy than anger. I used to go on the DeadBedrooms section of Reddit but always found it so depressing. If I even hinted that I was staying for the sake of the kids, I was instantly pounced on and treated like I was abusing my kids for letting them see two parents not loving each other. I think there is harm that comes to the kids no matter which direction you decide to go from a sexless marriage. Hanging in there till the kids leaves shows your devotion to the family as a whole and your desire to be with the kids every day. I also understand there are times that leaving is best. Especially if there is fighting all the time between the parents. They don't need to be exposed to that. We have been civil outside the bedroom mostly and even more so since I took sex off the table. I believe that no matter what path people choose, we need to support each other.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 20:06:26 GMT -5
ScottDinTN, welcome to the forum. I highly doubt anyone will be critical of your current plans. This is the friendliest forum I have ever read. Many people have done something similar to what you plan to do. One piece of advice I think you will get is consulting with a lawyer and making sure your W does not incur debts that might mess up your divorce plans. We say plan for the the unexpected and hope for the best. We have been united on living without debt except for our home. I've about got my son thru college debt free and working to get my daughter thru the same way. So, thankfully joint debt hasn't been a problem and I will never be signing for any joint loans or credit cards with her. I've been setting $100 a paycheck away into a secret account for almost two years now. Its my escape fund for when I leave. I know I'll need some extra money around that time to get settled. One of the things I hate about all of this is having to give up some of the financial stability we have built up over the years. I know only lawyers truly win in a divorce. Another reason I'm waiting till the kids are grown (2 years at least), is so custody and child support is not an issue. The house and retirement accounts will be the only things to decide.
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Post by baza on Oct 7, 2019 21:05:31 GMT -5
Got a theoretical for you Brother ScottDinTN .... Given you have about 15 - 19 years left of working ahead of you, that is a pretty big opportunity to consolidate your finances. Thing is, are you going to be consolidating *your* financial position or the *joint* financial position ? If you get divorced in say 2 years time (2021) you'll be consolidating the *joint* financial position up to 2021, then just *your* financial position for the ensuing 13 to 17 years. That should be do-able given a sound plan and a bit of discipline. I think you'd do well to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you under a couple of different scenarios Brother. I'd suspect that your $100 per paycheck slush fund will be regarded as a divisible marital asset when push comes to shove.
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Post by Handy on Oct 7, 2019 21:28:11 GMT -5
ScottDinTN, does your W have an income now and an income in the future. Some members that lived in some not too friendly states, where the man's income was larger than the woman's income, the state granted spousal support of various amounts to the lower earner because his or her future income was lower than thehigher earner's income. My point is, the kids are older and it might be time for the W to up her education so her future earnings would be closer to yours. This is all speculation on my part because I don't know what your W's earning potential is now or in the future. In my state the lower earner can be awarded 4 years of spousal support to improve their future earnings by going to college or some other path to boost their earnings.
Your $100 a month is legally half hers in most states. Even so half the amount you save would help you and her when the time comes to separate.
Any money you or her spend on potential affair partners usually needs to be repaid to the joint marital asset funds. Not that you or her have any affair partners, ihis is just money talk so you can better plan if it happens. Unfortunately one spouse can have an expensive hobby and that is money out the window. In most states there is no such thing as your debts and her debts unless you two agree on who pays what. This is just FYI and as they say, (YMMV) your mileage may vary.
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Post by saarinista on Oct 7, 2019 23:31:36 GMT -5
Greetings ScottDinTN from another basement dweller. 🏡 I hope your cellar is better waterproofed than mine. 🙄 I think you'll find this community to be more thoughtful than than the reddit dead bedrooms site. I happened to review it yesterday and agree that it's much less supportive than iliasm of "seriously married" people, if that makes sense. Perhaps more of us over here are OCD 🙄🤔, but you won't find a flippant tone on Iliasm. We seem to appeal to those who think long and hard before leaving their sexless marriages. Fear not: your agonizing will be well tolerated here. 😉
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 23:40:37 GMT -5
Got a theoretical for you Brother ScottDinTN .... Given you have about 15 - 19 years left of working ahead of you, that is a pretty big opportunity to consolidate your finances. Thing is, are you going to be consolidating *your* financial position or the *joint* financial position ? If you get divorced in say 2 years time (2021) you'll be consolidating the *joint* financial position up to 2021, then just *your* financial position for the ensuing 13 to 17 years. That should be do-able given a sound plan and a bit of discipline. I think you'd do well to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you under a couple of different scenarios Brother. I'd suspect that your $100 per paycheck slush fund will be regarded as a divisible marital asset when push comes to shove. I know it could work out. Just hate the idea of seeing so much we have built up wasted just becuase she doesn't like orgasms. lol I'm not planning to hide the funds from a divorce, I'll spend it before that most likely. Probably when I get my own apartment or house. Will need deposits, down payments, that kinda thing.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 23:43:15 GMT -5
ScottDinTN, does your W have an income now and an income in the future. Some members that lived in some not too friendly states, where the man's income was larger than the woman's income, the state granted spousal support of various amounts to the lower earner because his or her future income was lower than thehigher earner's income. My point is, the kids are older and it might be time for the W to up her education so her future earnings would be closer to yours. This is all speculation on my part because I don't know what your W's earning potential is now or in the future. In my state the lower earner can be awarded 4 years of spousal support to improve their future earnings by going to college or some other path to boost their earnings.
Your $100 a month is legally half hers in most states. Even so half the amount you save would help you and her when the time comes to separate.
Any money you or her spend on potential affair partners usually needs to be repaid to the joint marital asset funds. Not that you or her have any affair partners, ihis is just money talk so you can better plan if it happens. Unfortunately one spouse can have an expensive hobby and that is money out the window. In most states there is no such thing as your debts and her debts unless you two agree on who pays what. This is just FYI and as they say, (YMMV) your mileage may vary.
She makes a little more than me and is up for a possible promotion. So, maybe I'll end up getting spousal support! :-)
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