Introduce Yourself May 9, 2017 20:57:47 GMT -5
Post by laura on May 9, 2017 20:57:47 GMT -5
There are no good parts that can possibly outweigh what you are describing. Maybe you could sit down with a piece of paper and write down what all those good parts are, and question them hard. And maybe also think about how much each of those good parts is dependent on you submitting your life and your soul to him.
You are most likely correct. I will write out a list of what is actually good in the relationship, but I can see already that they are mostly very basic things, and mostly replaceable. And yes, I do have to be careful not to hit the end of the leash.
The idea of him moving 1,000 mile away is about the only bright spot in your story.
That absence will provide the opportunity for you to have a really good think about what you want in your future.
Embrace that opportunity.
I do intend to use the time with him gone to sort things out/enact an exit strategy. I'm really looking forward to it! It is tough to even think beyond the next day when he is around, much less make any move to leave.
laura and although I am sorry that you find yourself here, you will absolutely find comfort, understanding and support.
Typical isn't it - when it's supposed to be about compromise, but in the end it's only one sided happiness for them when we are finally broken down and bent into their shape of how they want to live. Not surprised in the least of him being comfortable and happy.
I've read some of your other posts and I can relate to a lot of it. Thank you for the welcome.
I had not quite thought of it that way, but it is true. The only time compromises is when it is on something very small and unimportant. Now that you say it that way, I have no confidence that I could get him to consider my opinions/fellings when it really counts.
Let me just say - I could relate a lot to this part. This is how it went with my refuser, too. I would get discouraged and give up for a while; and then I guess he felt like the pressure was off, and we would get along better. And then things would have been perfect - if only I hadn't wanted to have sex about twice a week. And even though most people will tell you "sex isn't everything; sex shouldn't be that important, etc." - when you want it and you're not having it, you feel crazy because it's all you can think about.
Yes, I married him for a reason and those better qualities show up when I leave him alone.
I used to get so angry at Mr. Kat, because we were a good match and we did have a good sex life for the first 7 years we were together. I still don't understand why he didn't want to go back to what we once had.
After a while, I no longer cared why. He couldn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of sex; I couldn't understand why he wouldn't fight to keep the best relationship either of us had ever had, the way we were at our best.
It wasn't until I was tired of trying to figure out his logic that I had the freedom to move forward and try to salvage what I could of my own life.
I'm not always happy on my own. It's a really mixed bag, being single again. I love being the boss of my own home, and it would be hard to give that up and live with somebody again. I love the quiet, but then sometimes it's *too* quiet. I've had to handle some stressful life situations all by myself. But then, there were times when Mr. Kat and I were still together, and he wasn't able to help that much with a stressful situation.
And, dating again. Sometimes I want a serious relationship again, just because dating can be dreadful and I don't think I want to be on my own forever. But then last fall, one guy I dated took it a lot more seriously than I did. Since I didn't feel the same way about him, the thought of being in a serious 24/7 relationship with him was enough to make me feel crazy.
So, I came up with this way of expressing how I feel:
Good relationship > being single > bad relationship.
"As soon as we get moved, he plans to go 1,000 miles away for the summer to take some classes and to just be in a climate he likes better. I will be alone for months, going to school but otherwise free and alone."
Let me ask this: Does *he* really want to stay married?
In a normal couple relationship, being together is sort of the point. But he wants to move 1000 miles away from you. Not only does he not want sex, but it sounds like he doesn't even want to be near you.
I don't even understand why he wants to move to this new home with you, where you are getting ready to move now. If he likes the climate better and wants to go to school 1000 miles away...and he doesn't care about being close to you...why doesn't he just move (by himself) to this place he loves so much, 1000 miles away, on a permanent basis?
Thank you! Well said and thoughtful, all of it. The moving away to take classes thing sort of does make sense to me and I'm also just not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll explain more about the reasoning for the move in another thread I think.