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Post by lessingham on Mar 21, 2019 6:09:36 GMT -5
Whoops, forgot to do this. I am a 64 year old British guy, married for 40 years. One son. I am wonderfully inventive, literate, supersmart and crippled by shyness and no self esteem. I met my wife at university and yes, she asked to wait until we married before sex. We could fool around and that was it. The only sex on the honeymoon was listening to the couple next door. Took a year to fully make love. Then years of infrequent, passive sex. Sometimes it was months. The humiliation sent me into depression and confusion. I became Cinderello, trying so hard to please her or stop her being too tired for sex. I wore myself out to no avail. The depression was fun. Ruined my career and my self esteem. But now that is years behind me and I want a real sex life. Either with my wife or with someone who can love and desire me. Oh, I fell. I went with hookers a few years ago, desperate to have any sex in my fading 50s. I gave that up years back too. Not proud of it.
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 21, 2019 10:05:15 GMT -5
lessingham, welcome to the club you never volunteered for. You might want to post your entire story on Sexless Marriage issues. You are among friends who know exactly what you are dealing with.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 21, 2019 10:16:33 GMT -5
@ lessinham 40 years that's a long time but never to late to find happiness. Wish you the best of luck
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 21, 2019 15:12:45 GMT -5
Lessingham said: “One son. I am wonderfully inventive, literate, supersmart and crippled by shyness and no self esteem.”
Have you ever gotten therapy specifically for help with your shyness? Therapists trained in providing brief social skills counseling could be of help as shyness is one of the easiest behaviors to change. I used yo be painfully shy and found self help books helpful including one called, “how to make small talk,” and the classic, “how to make friends and influence people.”
Getting into structured situations in which I had to connect with people also helped. Things like volunteering as a theater usher or volunteering registering people or handling the ticket table for a charity event also help one get more comfortable interacting with people. Plus doing such things gives one something to talk about when meeting people. You have answers that lead to conversations and connections when you are asked such questions as, “what have you been up to lately?”
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Post by saarinista on Mar 22, 2019 2:43:08 GMT -5
@ lessinham 40 years that's a long time but never to late to find happiness. Wish you the best of luck No , it's never too late unless we're dead. Until then-no excuses! ❤️
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Post by lessingham on Mar 22, 2019 3:52:41 GMT -5
I volunteer and also was an usher at a university cinema club. In some situations I can shine as bright as anyone. Others....... Yuk. I have read loads and loads of books to overcome it but it is hard. The "best" book was on how to vibrate ob the colour blue at the atomic level. That'll cure your shyness right there!
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Post by baza on Mar 22, 2019 5:22:07 GMT -5
I volunteer and also was an usher at a university cinema club. In some situations I can shine as bright as anyone. Others....... Yuk. I have read loads and loads of books to overcome it but it is hard. The "best" book was on how to vibrate ob the colour blue at the atomic level. That'll cure your shyness right there! Occurs to me now, after reading a lot of your posts, that you have a sneaky way of injecting some pretty sharp humour into your posts Brother lessingham . That, is a pretty handy attribute. Maybe you can inject a bit more of that into your IRL conversations and networking.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 22, 2019 11:16:22 GMT -5
"lessingham said: I volunteer and also was an usher at a university cinema club. In some situations I can shine as bright as anyone. Others....... Yuk. I have read loads and loads of books to overcome it but it is hard. The "best" book was on how to vibrate ob the colour blue at the atomic level. That'll cure your shyness right there!"
View those situations in which you shine brightly as being situations that allow you to be your real you. That's probably because you're in an environment that you enjoy and you are around people who appreciate you. Complete zip code therapy from your wfe would probably bring out more of the real you. When you are around her, you expend your energy bending over backwards trying to get her to care enough to fuck you. That's a waste of time. At best, she loves the comfortable life you provide her, but she is not capable of loving you the way that you want to be loved. She probably doesn't even appreciate the things you do for her. She just accepts them as her due.
I specifically suggested that you volunteer at a playhouse. That's because you've said that when you were young, you wanted to be an actor. Also, playhouse audiences and volunteers are likely to have lots in common with you. Plays attract smart, well read people and also tend to attract people who are middle aged and older. Women also tend to enjoy plays more than do men. Men who like plays tend to be guys more into reading books than watching sports and drinking heavily with guys. They are more likely to be guys you'd enjoy being with. Same goes for the women. Ushering as well as helping backstage are things that you could do. Great ways to make friends!
Consider taking an acting course. Improv classes are especially good for becoming less shy. I've taken several, and each time several people in the class said they took the classes specifically to overcome their shyness. I'd bet that there are some acting classes in your area. If you'd like more adventure (and more zip code therapy), take one of the week long improv classes Second City in Chicago offers. Those classes are great fun and reasonably priced. I took one when I was divorcing, and people had come all the way from England to participate. No prior improv experience was needed.
I bet that the more you get involved in things you enjoy outside of your home, the better you will feel about yourself because you'll no longer be pouring your energy into trying to woo an unresponsive, unappreciative wife.
Since you like to swim, is there a senior olympics that you can participate in?
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isome
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by isome on Mar 23, 2019 11:38:53 GMT -5
Hi 👋 new reader and new member. I’ve been in a SM for about 9 out of my 21 years of marriage. We have three kids together, two of them are in college and one is 11. H and I are great roommates and parent well together. I am feeling pretty lost and I’m not sure what to do, separate, divorce, extramarital associate, stay and be grateful for all I do have and if I want to do anything at all. I do know that without love and affection after all this time I feel like I’m beginning to doubt myself as a woman.....and that feels worse than his rejection. I will continue to read and learn here on this forum and appreciate that I am not alone here.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 23, 2019 12:21:05 GMT -5
isome you are definitely not alone. I will tell you it doesn't getting any easier when the kids move out. The emptiness is deafening. I don't know your age I'm 53 almost 54. While I'm happy I regret that I didn't get out when I was younger. That being said still worth it. But sorry I wasted the years before menopause and had my own knees lol. Sucks that as much as I missed night time snuggling I now have to have my house 65 and roll away after awhile . Just food for thought.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 23, 2019 16:39:06 GMT -5
angeleyes65 I guess so long as you have SOMEBODY'S knees, it's all good. isome welcome to the forum. You're not alone. I'm 58, married ~20 years, 9 of them sexless. I have to say, we don't have kids and yes, the silence is deafening. It's no fun to be in a sexless marriage. Which is another way of saying it's no fun to be in a bad marriage. That's among lots of things that are no fun, like being alone, moving, living with less money, etc. etc. But maybe there's hope for us to have better lives. Anyway, I think you'll find that you'll enjoy your misery with our company more than you have without it! LOL
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isome
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by isome on Mar 23, 2019 20:58:22 GMT -5
Thanks ladies I am 43 and know that I don’t want to spend this decade like the last. Ive started to see a counselor, but I haven’t yet opened up about my SM. I really feel I’ve passed the point of wanting sex and intimacy from H. I just know that if he came to me for sex tonight I’d not agree. After all this time he’s rejected me I can’t even think of being intimate with him anymore. Maybe I am feeling hurt or resentful....hmmm...does that make me the person withholding? I need to start some real conversations with H. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that stress yet.
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Post by h on Mar 24, 2019 5:50:04 GMT -5
Thanks ladies I am 43 and know that I don’t want to spend this decade like the last. Ive started to see a counselor, but I haven’t yet opened up about my SM. I really feel I’ve passed the point of wanting sex and intimacy from H. I just know that if he came to me for sex tonight I’d not agree. After all this time he’s rejected me I can’t even think of being intimate with him anymore. Maybe I am feeling hurt or resentful....hmmm...does that make me the person withholding? I need to start some real conversations with H. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that stress yet. We call that "counter-refusing" when the refused becomes a refuser after so long being neglected. It's common here. I wouldn't start any hard talks with your H until you have gotten more open with your counselor. If you can't talk about it with a person who is paid to listen and be confidential, you aren't ready for the hard talk with H yet.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 24, 2019 6:19:38 GMT -5
isomeWelcome to the club no one wanted to be a member of. Open up and talk to your counselor, it will help then understand what's wrong in your marriage and more importantly the missing pieces about you. Your paying them to help put yourself back together, without the important pieces it won't happen. Counter refusing is common here, when you get to the point that all thoughts of romantic love is gone and your down to roommates or sibling type love, that's what happens. It's often when you've reached the point of no going back.
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Post by alexjsell on Mar 24, 2019 6:54:41 GMT -5
G'day, my name is Alex and I'm an alcoholic...
Woops, wrong group.
My name is Alex and currently I go months at a time without anything more than a small touch here and there from my wife. We have two children, 6 & 3, and we do all love each otger very much.
I work in IT at a local office supplies retailer where I am employed as the IT Service Coordinator and Warehouse Manager, two very different roles I know but in a small business in a small town you can't be good at only one thing.
My hobbies include going to work and coming home.
I found this group through Reddit, someone has posted on a disucssion in a Sexless Marriage thread a link to this group so I thought to take a look and join up myself.
I'm hoping to make some friends and hopefully receive access to the magic 'Fix my Marriage' formula while I'm here.
Thank you all and goodnight.
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