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Post by javba on Dec 18, 2018 14:01:01 GMT -5
Hello. I am here because I have been married 30 years and have not had sex with my wife in 14 years. It has been a very aggravating and frustrating journey. I love her and will not leave her. She is a breast cancer survivor and after the mastectomy the door was closed. There is no intimacy at all. Not even cuddling, hugs or even kissing. I have resigned myself to the fact that we will never have sex again. We have two children and I will not upset the family by leaving. It is sad because I know what I am missing and feel like we could be so much happier if we were intimate. It is truly the most depressing thing in my otherwise wonderful life. I just don’t know what to do. I am not one to go out and have an affair because I just couldn’t do that. I have paid for sex but it is shallow and then I feel guilty. I am in great shape for my age and am constantly horney with a very high sex drive. I continue day by day to be frustrated and continue day by day to move forward. And yes I have discussed it with her and nothing changes. It’s just not fair. I have a few suggestions - No original material but here goes 1. She has a biological reason triggering a psychological reaction - counseling to help, specifically sex counseling. This would open door for you to understand and explain if you're able to get sex elsewhere or leave. I know you've said NO, but minds change. 2. About commercial providers' "it's shallow and you feel guilty" can be remedied, finding someone that connects with you is ESSENTIAL. Commercial providers are NOT different in "needing a working connection" - If you do connect better with someone you may feel better. Rinse, Repeat, Hold on to the one you can find that works for you. 3. I love all mbrs here and do not mean disrespect, but I truly feel we the sexless are especially fucked in "how can we ever trust anyone again" so that's a high barrier for the new relations - and an unfair barrier that comes from our life situations. So there's that. 4. Finally - age is a number - I love older women more, OTOH my best connection was about 1/2 my age, I leave her often cause I do want her to have a more meaningful existence, but that's life. 5. Like one of our mbrs here said "let your faith be stronger than your fear" 6. Finally - what are we showing our kids - this is the way to live?
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2018 19:11:30 GMT -5
You rule out leaving Brother remington . You rule out an affair too. You pretty much put a line through commercial sex as well. These are all perfectly legitimate choices you've made. Someone else in your position might choose to leave, and/or have an affair, and/or engage in transactional sex. And those choices would be equally as valid. There's no *right* (or *wrong*) choice to be had in these situations, just what's right for you. But along with choice comes consequence. The consequence of your choices here is the end of your sex life. That's what you're choosing. Baza .... I love the way you speak ... such non-judgmental truth. Thank you. You are correct. We ALL have choices and those choices come with consequences. As do the choices we do NOT make Sister @whynotm3 .
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 19:16:26 GMT -5
As do the choices we do NOT make Sister @whynotm3 . So true again. I see many who seem to be paralyzed by fear and/or indecision. Silently (or not so silently) dying a slow, miserable death. I may not be doing everything correctly, but I am doing SOMETHING and taking action. I'm beyond tired of crying myself to sleep and wondering whynotme. Yes, taking no action is also a choice we all have, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2018 19:43:05 GMT -5
As do the choices we do NOT make Sister @whynotm3 . So true again. I see many who seem to be paralyzed by fear and/or indecision. Silently (or not so silently) dying a slow, miserable death. I may not be doing everything correctly, but I am doing SOMETHING and taking action. I'm beyond tired of crying myself to sleep and wondering whynotme. Yes, taking no action is also a choice we all have, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. The most popular (or at least most common) path in this group is to do nothing, to "sit this one out", to "not choose". The problem with this strategy of inertia is, that there is no such thing as a consequence free "non-choice". If you choose to stay in your ILIASM shithole, then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue. If you choose to "sit this one out", then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen to stay. It is for that very reason I'd encourage anyone who is presently in an ILIASM shithole to own the fact that they are choosing this. The rationale is that by taking ownership of your choice to stay you become "owner" rather than "victim". And that position of owner is empowering. It is a position from which you could decide to choose differently. It doesn't mean that you "will" choose differently, nor does it mean that you "should" choose differently - but what it does do is open your mind to the fact that you "could" choose differently. And out of that realisation, big things can happen.
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Post by remington on Dec 20, 2018 21:17:17 GMT -5
So true again. I see many who seem to be paralyzed by fear and/or indecision. Silently (or not so silently) dying a slow, miserable death. I may not be doing everything correctly, but I am doing SOMETHING and taking action. I'm beyond tired of crying myself to sleep and wondering whynotme. Yes, taking no action is also a choice we all have, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. The most popular (or at least most common) path in this group is to do nothing, to "sit this one out", to "not choose". The problem with this strategy of inertia is, that there is no such thing as a consequence free "non-choice". If you choose to stay in your ILIASM shithole, then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue. If you choose to "sit this one out", then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen to stay. It is for that very reason I'd encourage anyone who is presently in an ILIASM shithole to own the fact that they are choosing this. The rationale is that by taking ownership of your choice to stay you become "owner" rather than "victim". And that position of owner is empowering. It is a position from which you could decide to choose differently. It doesn't mean that you "will" choose differently, nor does it mean that you "should" choose differently - but what it does do is open your mind to the fact that you "could" choose differently. And out of that realisation, big things can happen.
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Post by remington on Dec 20, 2018 21:19:36 GMT -5
The most popular (or at least most common) path in this group is to do nothing, to "sit this one out", to "not choose". The problem with this strategy of inertia is, that there is no such thing as a consequence free "non-choice". If you choose to stay in your ILIASM shithole, then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue. If you choose to "sit this one out", then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen to stay. It is for that very reason I'd encourage anyone who is presently in an ILIASM shithole to own the fact that they are choosing this. The rationale is that by taking ownership of your choice to stay you become "owner" rather than "victim". And that position of owner is empowering. It is a position from which you could decide to choose differently. It doesn't mean that you "will" choose differently, nor does it mean that you "should" choose differently - but what it does do is open your mind to the fact that you "could" choose differently. And out of that realisation, big things can happen.
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Post by remington on Dec 20, 2018 21:22:20 GMT -5
okay, I’m still trying to figure out how to respond and post etc. But, thank you to all who responded. I am starting to open my mind as I read your threads.
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Post by remington on Dec 20, 2018 21:26:28 GMT -5
okay, I’m still trying to figure out how to respond and post etc. But, thank you to all who responded. I am starting to open my mind as I read your threads. Thank you to all who responded. Some very good information. I appreciate the feedback
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Dec 21, 2018 7:23:21 GMT -5
Uncategorically one of the most defining posts on this forum. If you are new here, absorb these words below. Soak them in. Try to understand the implications of owning your choices, the consequences that follow, and ultimately, your destiny. Very empowering. Not just for your relationship, but an approach to life in general. Well done Baza! So true again. I see many who seem to be paralyzed by fear and/or indecision. Silently (or not so silently) dying a slow, miserable death. I may not be doing everything correctly, but I am doing SOMETHING and taking action. I'm beyond tired of crying myself to sleep and wondering whynotme. Yes, taking no action is also a choice we all have, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. The most popular (or at least most common) path in this group is to do nothing, to "sit this one out", to "not choose". The problem with this strategy of inertia is, that there is no such thing as a consequence free "non-choice". If you choose to stay in your ILIASM shithole, then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue. If you choose to "sit this one out", then consequences (most likely your continued misery) will ensue just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen to stay. It is for that very reason I'd encourage anyone who is presently in an ILIASM shithole to own the fact that they are choosing this. The rationale is that by taking ownership of your choice to stay you become "owner" rather than "victim". And that position of owner is empowering. It is a position from which you could decide to choose differently. It doesn't mean that you "will" choose differently, nor does it mean that you "should" choose differently - but what it does do is open your mind to the fact that you "could" choose differently. And out of that realisation, big things can happen.
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Post by lightningstrikesx2 on Jan 4, 2019 1:28:06 GMT -5
Hi All,
Happy new year and all that!
I've just joined this forum and had a read through of peoples stories. I dont honestly expect to fix anything anytime soon but hoping to find a bit of solace with people 'in the same boat'
I've just turned 50, wife is 6 years younger than me has has no interest in sex, other than 'reset sex' about 4 times a year, which is a pretty soulless act for both of us. My username has been created by the fact this is my second marriage and both times has ended up this way. Its hard not to blame myself in that scenario!
We have 2 kids at home and do appreciate that privacy isnt an easy commodity, but having said that we dont have to be swinging from the chandeliers to enjoy a fullfilling sex life!
Anyway, will keep it short and sweet and hopefully be a listening ear when someone needs to let off some steam.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 4, 2019 2:43:00 GMT -5
Hello lightningstrikesx2 so sorry to find you here with us in the SM boat but you are very welcome. I have been here around six months and found the forum fantastically helpful in coming to terms with my situation, I hope you gain from it too. You may find that there is a surprising amount of solace to be had just knowing that your responses and questions about your SM are typical of us all (that helped me a lot). Your vocabulary will expand to embrace ‘why chasing’, ‘scented candling’ and ‘resetting’ to name just a few phrases. When you are ready please tell us more about you and your situation. For me sharing took the sting out of it massively. And finally, the most valuable aspect of this site for you could be the realisation that yes, there are women in the boat too. Women like me that possibly have a huge amount in common with you including the bashed up self esteem and despair of endless frustration. So, the hope for third time luck?!
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Post by lightningstrikesx2 on Jan 4, 2019 11:26:05 GMT -5
Many thanks for the warm welcome isthisit. I guess being in a sexless relationship can be a bit contextual and expectations linked in with libido levels!I know there will be plenty of people on here with less activity than me. I think we had reset sex about 5 times last year and 4 the year before that. Its not like I'm counting, but when its so infrequent its difficult not to know the exact amount. In all honestly I'd sooner not have the reset sex as it doesnt last long due to being a bit out of practice and afterwards I find it more frustrating than not having sex at all. The trouble is, the mind is very good at adapting to new situations and I may get a few weeks of it really bothering me, to not caring in the 'what you dont have, you dont miss' sense. Because it has become a taboo subject I'm not helping the situation as I now am getting a bit coy about getting changed for bed in front of her - I suppose the relationship has morphed into a platonic one and naturally, I wouldnt feel comfortable naked with a person who I wasn't in a physical relationship with! Leaving seems too traumatic as people build lives together and she's not really in a financial situation to run things on her own and our teenage daughter is having a few issues with being a teenager so I do kind of feel trapped in that sense. I do want to fix this with my wife. It's never easy to broach the subject with her 'the talk' and all that! I suppose I have my answer, she's not going to want to engage in a conversation when she's already getting what she wants out of, which is no sex.
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Post by isthisit on Jan 4, 2019 11:50:57 GMT -5
Yup lightningstrikesx2 you really are one of the gang here. I (and almost everyone else) could have written your post. Having knowledge of a running tally for the year is normal in a SM, which speaks volumes about our situation in and of itself. Your lack of enthusiasm for crappy reset sex which is so, so far removed from what you really need and desire is also common place. Many of us somewhat ironically become counter refusers as there feels some dignity and little to lose in this position. Finally, you describe the evolution of your relationship with your wife from sexual partner to room mate status. Yup, here too. Personally when I first read this site and came across the term ‘Roomie’ many cogs fell into place. All powerful stuff and immensely helpful in my onward journey. I’m a little way ahead of where you are now (and may very well remain- perfectly legitimate position) and I wish you well. You will find a great deal of wisdom and compassion here to support your decision making. As you will read- simply remaining where you are IS a decision in and of itself, and one this forum will encourage you to take responsibility for.
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Post by baza on Jan 4, 2019 22:18:17 GMT -5
Many thanks for the warm welcome isthisit . I guess being in a sexless relationship can be a bit contextual and expectations linked in with libido levels!I know there will be plenty of people on here with less activity than me. I think we had reset sex about 5 times last year and 4 the year before that. Its not like I'm counting, but when its so infrequent its difficult not to know the exact amount. In all honestly I'd sooner not have the reset sex as it doesnt last long due to being a bit out of practice and afterwards I find it more frustrating than not having sex at all. The trouble is, the mind is very good at adapting to new situations and I may get a few weeks of it really bothering me, to not caring in the 'what you dont have, you dont miss' sense. Because it has become a taboo subject I'm not helping the situation as I now am getting a bit coy about getting changed for bed in front of her - I suppose the relationship has morphed into a platonic one and naturally, I wouldnt feel comfortable naked with a person who I wasn't in a physical relationship with! Leaving seems too traumatic as people build lives together and she's not really in a financial situation to run things on her own and our teenage daughter is having a few issues with being a teenager so I do kind of feel trapped in that sense. I do want to fix this with my wife. It's never easy to broach the subject with her 'the talk' and all that! I suppose I have my answer, she's not going to want to engage in a conversation when she's already getting what she wants out of, which is no sex. The call about whether your ILIASM deal is bad enough to vacate it is a very subjective question. Clearly, anyone who joins this group does NOT think their deal is bad enough to leave it. Everybody who joins is - at least initially - planning on staying. And that's a perfectly legitimate choice. And with a lot of people, that's how it remains. At the other end of the spectrum are those who come to think that their deal IS bad enough to consider leaving - and that choice is every bit as valid as staying. What you find tolerable @lighteningstrikesx2 , someone else may find intolerable. Presumably in your ILIASM #1 situation, your read of it was that it was intolerable...and you left. In version #2, it is tolerable...so you stay.
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Post by lightningstrikesx2 on Jan 5, 2019 3:42:39 GMT -5
'Presumably in your ILIASM #1 situation, your read of it was that it was intolerable...and you left.'
As this was just over 15 years, I was working at a place whereby someone showed an interest in me. Being alot younger I found it impossible not take her up on the offer. TBH the stress of having an affair is really not worth the sex, not when you get involved like that.
Even though I wasnt directly caught out, she knew. We split amicably with no kids. Ironically a few years later her new partner cheated on her due to lack of sex.
Being a few years wiser now and not totally driven by my nether regions, its not a path I would go down again.
Having said that, can you really cheat on celibacy? But thats a whole new thread.....
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