Post by harveyspecter on Dec 16, 2016 15:58:01 GMT -5
I wrote this a long time ago. Just brought it along to save it. Your mileage may vary. -Harv
Dehumanization Of The Opposite Sex: The Collateral Damage Of A Sexless Marriage...
I had an epiphany a few days ago. I thought I would share it. My marriage and my appreciation for it goes in cycles. I believe this is the case for most of us. Some days are optimistic. Some are awful. Some...you just don't think about it. Sometimes those are the best days, when you don't actively think about the state of your marriage. I know for me, it can consume me, just thinking and planning my next project towards fixing things. I was going through a phase recently where my desire for physical touch was simply off of the charts. If you're reading this, you know what that's like.
I went from a rational human being (hey, it's my story, so I get to be rational, ok?) with normal to high need for intimacy, closeness and affection to a walking hormone. I realized that I was staring down 70 year old women who had great racks. "Hey there, didn't you used to teach kindergarten? Yeah...you remember me, don't you? I'll make you feel better than you have since Gerald Ford was president." Bus drivers, movie ticket takers, census bureau volunteers...all became playgrounds for my vivid imagination. I hadn't felt like that since I was in college.
And then it hit me. I'm not supposed to feel like this. I remember feeling like this. I remember it quite well from when I was a teenager when I was just learning what these feelings meant. I was overwhelmed with the sensations and physical desire without the maturity to understand where to direct those urges. High school boys are absolutely entranced by the girl with big boobs. That's a fact. Why is that? Well, maybe she's a complete hottie with a great personality. That's possible. But let’s face it, it's often because she has two massive displays of *female* that they see every time she walks by.Boys don't have breasts. We're all compelled by what we don't have. Sure, they don't have vaginas either, but those aren't available for viewing (despite their prayers to whatever god they worship).All of this is normal. Teenage boys are horny dudes. They objectify women. They don't care if someone has a great personality, they want her to have amazing girl parts and shiny hair. They are fixated on the parts of a woman. There's nothing wrong with that. They will learn. I learned. I became the kind of man my parents wanted me to be. I stopped salivating at an enormous rack. (Ok...mostly.) I gravitated to a pretty smile, soft, expressive eyes and someone who smelled good.
Eventually, I came to see women as the whole package. Yes, all of those things attract, but they don't make you a horny moron with no moral compass. At the end of the maturing process a man realizes that a woman can complete him. He starts to look for someone to match his jagged and unique piece of puzzle. It takes a while. Some men never get there. But most of us do. Marriage is the ultimate. The place where you can find someone attractive when they haven't showered in two days because your toddler has been sick. Where you still find a woman attractive after 22 years of marriage because she's your best friend and just the sight of her makes you tingle. Marriage is the place where the soul becomes the object of your desire. The sum of everything a woman is becomes the trigger for your passion. Sex fulfills this journey. Every time you make love you renew this implied promise. A woman says "Love me for who I am". Her husband's affection answers back "If you love me like this, I promise I will always love who you are. You will always be beautiful, as long as you are you.”
When the affection stops, the process breaks down. Taking away intimacy is like taking away the electrical charge of an atom. Without the attraction, the pieces of what the relationship are start spinning off on their own. This is when one spouse's idea of love becomes disjointed from the other. The lines are drawn: "If you loved me you would spend more time with me", versus "If you loved me you would fuck me.” These are both wrong. As one piece, they're fine, but separately they don't match and they stop making sense.
I realized this the other day when I was absolutely coveting the ass and boobs of this chubby little woman I know who just had her first child six months ago. She's got that baby weight on and is probably not confident, but she looks like sex incarnate to me. I shook my head in sort of the "Scooby Doo" shake and woke up.I left this behind me a long time ago. I'm better than this. At least, I used to be. I don't want to be mesmerized by tight sweater or a sliver of your panties peeking out from your jeans. Living in a sexless marriage does that to a man. Maybe to women as well. I am not one, so I couldn't say if you are becoming crotch watchers or fixated on biceps and great hair. Women may devolve in other ways. Until I can reunite love, passion and sex, I will be a charming caveman...no good for anyone.