archived introductions (July/Aug/Sept 2016) Sept 10, 2016 12:31:16 GMT -5 via mobile
Post by phinheasgage on Sept 10, 2016 12:31:16 GMT -5
Sept 10, 2016 11:17:42 GMT -5 @dannyc said:I didn't understand why smartkat, in her post above said "thank you for being brave enough to open up here" because I didn't read many posts after I joined and just wrote out my own story. However after reading quite a lot of the posts here in the last few days I think I now understand why she said it. When I joined up here I thought there would be a mix of people- those who wanted sex but were not getting it and those who, for whatever reason lacked desire or felt uncomfortable having sex with their spouse. I joined because I just wanted to talk with others about going months or years without sex and how people cope. But instead I find this site is mostly people whose spouses are not having sex with them. So I guess smartkat thought I was brave because I am the only person on here who, despite a strong sex drive, doesn't not want to have sex with my spouse (because I suffer serious sexual dysfunctions with her)
Reading the posts I saw a couple of people who didn't want sex with their partners but it was because of interpersonal reasons, they don't get along very well. I didn't see any of the type of situation I thought would be the majority here- people who were no longer sexually attracted to their spouses. No posts by people who didn't want sex because they lacked attraction, were sexually bored, and nothing about sexual dysfunctions in men which I thought very odd because it is such a huge problem in marriages. Nothing from people like me. So I guess that's why I am considered "brave"
My marriage is fine other than the lack of sex. We did the therapy route and it failed but we decided to stay together anyway for kids and financial reasons. I was hoping to be able to talk with others in similar situations especially those who have worked things out by having open marriages or other ways of seeking sexual release that doesn't involve sex with the spouse.
This site seems more like a marriage counselling place where spouses don't like each other or don't get along. Despite the name of the group sex, or lack of it, seems to be looked at as simply a symptom of a generally bad marriage. I was expecting more people here saying "I love sex just not with my spouse"
One of the biggest psychological reasons people don't want sex in close relationships can be found in their childhood. The children of alcoholics (like me) especially if they were abusive, physical or sexual abuse, parents who were mentally ill or drug addicts all cause their children to suffer from Attachment Disorders which make interpersonal and sexual functioning difficult (especially for men) later in life. And it is pretty widespread which is why enternaloptimism's comment that she had never heard of my problem before struck me as quite bizarre. I can assure you there are millions of us out there. We go by the name ACOA "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and there are all sorts of websites dedicated to this problem. Now granted not all ACOA's suffer from sexual dysfunctions when they enter into an emotionally intimate relationship but the lack of trust and the anxiety these types of relationships cause is very common. Men more than women suffer from sexual dysfunctions in close relationships but not in "arm's length" relationships, one night stands, paid sex etc. And, as my own experience with many different therapists has shown, it is almost impossible to fix these problems. Women sometimes tend to be overly clingy trying to "attach" or, like men, they love sex without having to be involved in a relationship. The porn business is full of women like this.
A lack of sex is not the major topic on Attachment Disorder or ACOA websites because people also have a hard rime being in a relationship period which is not a problem I have. I needed to talk to people about sex which is why I came here.
This sexless marriage world is really different from what I thought it would be. I guess I thought it would be more about sex and less about interpersonal relationships but I guess that is because for me the two were always separated. Still it would be great to read more posts from people who suffer from sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunctions or those no longer sexually attracted or sexually bored rather than just the people who are married to them. I wonder why these people don't post here? Any idea?
Maybe we're reading different groups, because I get the impression that those who have lost desire for their spouse outnumber those who still crave a root. I did a poll on just that topic and the overwhelming majority had no desire for their spouse anymore. It's usually because the years of rejection have shut them down. So yes, a different reason, but those here who still want their spouse sexually seem to be a minority.
It is true though that with exceptions almost everyone here, at least among those who post, is the refused spouse.
I think the reason you haven't seen much talk of open marriage as a solution is that it isn't. Yeah it works for some but not most.