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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 17:50:20 GMT -5
Hello, I just found this board. It seems that way, but really, this board found you.
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 19:04:37 GMT -5
Seriously, reading through the posts....I feel like I have alter egos that have been here before. Unreal! I had no idea others live this.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 23, 2016 21:03:44 GMT -5
Hello, I just found this board. Welcome this is a great group for support.
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Post by adventura on Jun 25, 2016 11:35:52 GMT -5
Just joined but have been lurking every day here for a couple of weeks, and lurked on EP for a while about 3 years ago. Been with my refuser partner 12 years, had a sort of normal sex life for first 4 months and then he shut down to maybe 2x a year. We tried relationship counseling about 6 years ago to improve our communication, had sex 1x a week for a couple of months before he abandoned the reset. Did it once on Xmas eve a few years ago, and that's it.
I'm in my late 50s and love sex. We aren't married and we don't live together, so at least there's that. I have many reasons for staying all this time, mostly revolved around trying to fix him. It didn't work.
I'm seeing a counselor through my EAP at work this Monday. I'm pretty sure I'm done but my emotions are burning my head down.
Amazing people on this forum, and some very good writers. Glad you all are here.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 25, 2016 12:02:19 GMT -5
Just joined but have been lurking every day here for a couple of weeks, and lurked on EP for a while about 3 years ago. Been with my refuser partner 12 years, had a sort of normal sex life for first 4 months and then he shut down to maybe 2x a year. We tried relationship counseling about 6 years ago to improve our communication, had sex 1x a week for a couple of months before he abandoned the reset. Did it once on Xmas eve a few years ago, and that's it. I'm in my late 50s and love sex. We aren't married and we don't live together, so at least there's that. I have many reasons for staying all this time, mostly revolved around trying to fix him. It didn't work. I'm seeing a counselor through my EAP at work this Monday. I'm pretty sure I'm done but my emotions are burning my head down. Amazing people on this forum, and some very good writers. Glad you all are here. Hi there adventura. And welcome I'm sure you'll have lots of issues we'll all and up discussing in here. Just wanted you to know I totally understand staying to try to "fix" him. The same thing has kept me here with my refuser! Your eyes are open now though ...yay! One distinct advantage you have over the vast majority of us here is you are living apart already. Would you mind me asking more about that? Hugs xxx
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Post by adventura on Jun 25, 2016 12:08:47 GMT -5
One distinct advantage you have over the vast majority of us here is you are living apart already. Would you mind me asking more about that? Hugs xxx Ask away! I've never been married though I lived with a guy for 7 years. Was always cautious about shacking up with my current partner due to his multiple issues (physical and mental health, lack of honesty, and of course sex) and since we both owned houses before we met it was a ready made excuse. I'd like to get married to the right man.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 25, 2016 12:23:42 GMT -5
One distinct advantage you have over the vast majority of us here is you are living apart already. Would you mind me asking more about that? Hugs xxx Ask away! I've never been married though I lived with a guy for 7 years. Was always cautious about shacking up with my current partner due to his multiple issues (physical and mental health, lack of honesty, and of course sex) and since we both owned houses before we met it was a ready made excuse. I'd like to get married to the right man. Bloody good on you for keeping the living arrangements separate. It's a big barrier for many. It seems it's the emotional side keeping you stuck then. I hope your therapy, and maybe someone here, can help you find your way forward xxxx
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Post by obobfla on Jun 25, 2016 12:25:42 GMT -5
Glad you are here, adventura. As we men do not come with instruction manuals and he is not responding to your most effective tools (your mind and body), why are you still trying to fix him?
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Post by adventura on Jun 25, 2016 12:28:55 GMT -5
Thanks eternaloptimism.
I told my oldest and best friend about a week ago that I was thinking of leaving him. She took a deep breath and said, "I've been waiting to hear you say that for a long time."
Yeah, support is important when you're trying to get out. It's so hard. Not sure I'd have the guts if I had legal ties, joint property, kids, etc. This is difficult enough. It's so easy to keep saying maybe it will be easier later on...
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Post by adventura on Jun 25, 2016 12:38:08 GMT -5
Glad you are here, adventura . As we men do not come with instruction manuals and he is not responding to your most effective tools (your mind and body), why are you still trying to fix him? Great question, obobfla. I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I don't fix him, or more accurately, the guilt I'll feel if I dump him and something bad happens to him. This is not a figment of my imagination as his financial history is shot through with car repos, 3 near foreclosures, and 2 utility shutoffs lasting a month each in the dead of winter. The crisis du jour is his early Alzheimer's and a dicey surgery that failed on the first try and has been set over to an unknown future date. He has no family members left. He's still an attractive guy and is quite resourceful in getting what he needs. He's always had an accomplished, smart woman around to keep him from going belly up. It might be harder for him now as he's living on disability and has no extra cash for wining and dining. I'd rather he replace me than be on his own. That says a lot right there.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 25, 2016 12:46:16 GMT -5
adventura, I can relate. My wife is mentally ill, and I worry what would happen if I left her. But I've said this many times - It's not anyone's fault if they get a cold. But it is their fault if they start sneezing and coughing on everyone. I can be a friend to my wife and help her out. But I don't have to be married to her. Right now, I cannot afford a divorce. I am trying counseling. I doubt that will resolve our marriage problems, but it can pave a way to a life apart from her.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 25, 2016 13:08:22 GMT -5
adventura at the risk of being blunt, you have maybe a 20 year window to make your life something you can look back on and feel good about. When you project forward 1,5,10,15 years, what does it look like? Does it look like the life you want to havd lived?
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Post by adventura on Jun 25, 2016 13:12:55 GMT -5
adventura at the risk of being blunt, you have maybe a 20 year window to make your life something you can look back on and feel good about. When you project forward 1,5,10,15 years, what does it look like? Does it look like the life you want to havd lived? Short answer: no, and blunt is just fine. Five days ago a message landed in my inbox that a longtime friend had died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 76, not all that old, and definitely didn't expect to die this soon. None of us knows how long we have left. Like most folks here, the hard part is actually following through.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 25, 2016 17:25:31 GMT -5
Glad you are here, adventura . As we men do not come with instruction manuals and he is not responding to your most effective tools (your mind and body), why are you still trying to fix him? Great question, obobfla. I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I don't fix him, or more accurately, the guilt I'll feel if I dump him and something bad happens to him. This is not a figment of my imagination as his financial history is shot through with car repos, 3 near foreclosures, and 2 utility shutoffs lasting a month each in the dead of winter. The crisis du jour is his early Alzheimer's and a dicey surgery that failed on the first try and has been set over to an unknown future date. He has no family members left. He's still an attractive guy and is quite resourceful in getting what he needs. He's always had an accomplished, smart woman around to keep him from going belly up. It might be harder for him now as he's living on disability and has no extra cash for wining and dining. I'd rather he replace me than be on his own. That says a lot right there. You can still be in his life as a friend because let's face it if you are not having sex then you are not boyfriend/ girlfriend. You can still help him like a friend but it might be time to have a conversation like: "I've decided that I need sex in my life so you are going to be my platonic boyfriend (eventually you can ween him off of the word boy)and I'm going to find a non platonic boyfriend and there's plenty of me to go around". If he doesn't like that maybe he'll do you a favor and dump you.
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Post by adventura on Jun 25, 2016 17:38:10 GMT -5
You can still be in his life as a friend because let's face it if you are not having sex then you are not boyfriend/ girlfriend. You can still help him like a friend but it might be time to have a conversation like: "I've decided that I need sex in my life so you are going to be my platonic boyfriend (eventually you can ween him off of the word boy)and I'm going to find a non platonic boyfriend and there's plenty of me to go around". If he doesn't like that maybe he'll do you a favor and dump you. Heh, the reason I love this forum. Not a bad idea!
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