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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 4, 2019 10:45:42 GMT -5
Back in the day... I would get snuggling if she initiated it. It became a bit of a Cold War game though, because if she initiated it, she'd pose parameters around it. I eventually came to see it as a passive aggressive ploy designed to pre-empt a sexual bid on my part. By verbally initiating and setting the boundary at snuggling, the result would be that I would need to overtly reject the snuggling she initiated if, in addition, I wanted more. Clever.
If I initiated the snuggling, it was often rejected. I eventually learned it was because she "didn't want to lead me on" because then I'd get upset (noting that there is no acknowledgment of the central problem between us there - the idea that maybe "being married" might lead people to reasonably think that sex is something that might normally occur. By making it so "then I'd get upset", she and I both tacitly accepted the premise that the problem was all mine due to my expectations and behavior. The problem was my "getting upset".
When I moved out of the bedroom in fits and starts, it would often end up that she'd make a trip to my spare room in the morning and try to initiate cuddling. I'm uncertain what the intention was. I thought perhaps it was out of a genuine desire to comfort me because I was obviously in distress.
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Post by iceman on Sept 4, 2019 13:21:19 GMT -5
No snuggling at all. I do miss it but I don't miss it with her. I quit initiating snuggling along with sex. Got tired of feeling like I was imposing on her when I did.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2019 11:29:00 GMT -5
Yep. That’s how it went with me too. When I was in the SM there was no snuggling. He always pulled away. He just wanted the customary hug and quick kiss before and after work which I began resenting and ended that when I realized it was just a formality. I didn’t like that he demanded that meaningless interaction when he knew I’d always wanted intimacy. It was as if he chose what level of affection he wanted. warmways "It was as if he chose what level of affection he wanted." That is 100% accurate on so many levels. I don't know what percentage of ILIASMers are accounted for by this but my W is extremely intimacy averse. She chooses what level of intimacy she wants and that level, on a scale of 0 to 100, is 1. Level 1 intimacy is: -Light, dry, closed-mouth peck on the lips as I go out the door about 3 times/week. Only out the door, never upon arrival. -A light hug on the passing of a close relative only. -Obviously no sex or if she was finally pressured into sex (back when that occurred) then it's crime-scene sex. Only in the pitch black under cover and quickly remove all evidence. -NO talking about feelings or dreams or wants. Strictly business, chores, money, logistics, kid logistics, weekend plan logistics. -Sit on separate sofas. If I touch her hand from my separate seating, allow the touch to linger for 0.75 of a second, then raise hand and pat my hand 3 times. Then get up and go to the kitchen.
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