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Post by Dan on Sept 19, 2016 15:07:06 GMT -5
two years ago I got a really stiff and awkward hug. Did you tell him: I don't want a stiff hug. I want a stiff... something else!
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Post by darktippedrose on Sept 19, 2016 15:25:50 GMT -5
yes, thats why I've never asked for a hug or a kiss anymore. my kidz give me hugs and i see him and his friend hate that lol
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Post by beguiledcinderella on Sept 19, 2016 21:13:24 GMT -5
My h never withheld touch. He was more than willing to hold hands and snuggle and spoon and cuddle -- play with my hair stroke my back-- everything. As long as it was strictly platonic. Any time I'd so much as innocently let my hand fall to his thigh while cuddling he'd stiffen up and pull away or outright say "what are you doing?"
I'm the one who eventually withdrew. I am the one fully dressed in the bed now (unless he's away on business -- then I wear lingerie or sprawl out nude). I build pillow forts, i have my own family room "chair".
I'm done with the petting and the snuggling. Done. It's frustrating. It feels like I'm torturing myself for no reason.
In the beginning of our relationship I associated everything about him with pleasure and security. I often got aroused just watching his lips and tongue move while he was speaking. Watching his hands was a turn on. And his scent. OMG a good sniff of his neck had me kicking off my panties.
Now I associate ALL of those things with pain, rejection, and upset. I remember sleeping with his shirt when he was away, burying my face in his scent. Now I hold my breath when I wash his clothes, and I wash the sheets the moment he's out of the house on business.
No snuggling. But he'd happily snuggle for hours. It's me. I'm the one who is done with the snuggling.
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Post by beguiledcinderella on Sept 19, 2016 21:16:58 GMT -5
I am thinking a lot of men would brave the electric fence but that bear trap...a definite deal breaker! I'm telling you: I miss pleasuring a woman orally SO badly, if I knew there was a willing p*ssy on the other side of that trap, I just might risk it. I'll come up with some excuse about the puncture marks on my forehead and chin by the time I get to work on Monday... I miss oral sex so much thinking of it makes me breathless. I love pleasuring a man that way SO much. *growl*
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 20, 2016 1:16:04 GMT -5
In the beginning of our relationship I associated everything about him with pleasure and security. I often got aroused just watching his lips and tongue move while he was speaking. Watching his hands was a turn on. And his scent. OMG a good sniff of his neck had me kicking off my panties. It's criminal that this kind of arousal has gone to waste.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 20, 2016 11:56:20 GMT -5
The snuggling, the cuddling, the little touches, the lingering kisses, all that good stuff has nearly disappeared from my marriage. I have pretty much given up providing it (them) because I refuse to sit around with a hard-on while the W gets her feet rubbed. So now I am a refuser of sorts. However, I do get snuggling and cuddling, the benefit of having 4 grandkids.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 20, 2016 13:13:10 GMT -5
I was the primary giver all 16 years and gradually my energy to give to a taker is dissipating to zero. I no long want to hug and now he just wants a morning and evening hug which j give him but I hope to eventually stop as its beginning to feel disingenuous. I went through the same thing. That's where couples therapy helped. There are certain statements and answers to questions, that can be forgiven, but not forgotten. After hearing things like, sex, it's not important to me, I don't see the need for it, it really doesn't matter, and I de-tached myself from you over two years ago, that's just a few, I decided to end any physical contact. The ceremonial peck was quickly exposed for what it truly was. All it took was two mornings in a row, ( in front of the family) to turn my lips away and receive a peck on the cheek ,for her to stop the whole thing. No words were ever spoken.
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Post by skguy on Sept 21, 2016 10:29:08 GMT -5
My wife sort of scratches my head. I guess you'd call it a 'scritch' Like scritching a dogs head.
So it's nice to have contact. It's nice to have some touch. But then she gets carried away and can almost hurt me.
Besides that negative, I'm quite often asleep or almost asleep, and it ends up waking me up. Then I can't sleep. So that sort of defeats any of the nice part.
So that's is not snuggling. It's the closest I get. I do hold her and spoon her when she needs comfort. I don't even get aroused from that anymore. Just go through the motions.
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Post by litnerd on Sept 21, 2016 19:33:09 GMT -5
We used to cuddle together all the time. I worked a flex schedule when we were dating/engaged that gave me every other Friday off work. As long as I didn't have appointments, he always asked me to come over and cuddle with him while he slept (since he worked nights). I'd watch movies and just cuddle with him all morning/afternoon...and it would almost always lead to sex. Even when we stopped having frequent sex, he would still hold me whenever we slept together. Now, it happens infrequently unless I push the issue (or it's been several months and he's decided he actually wants to have sex). He does sometimes reach for my hand or pet my hair. I noticed a small increase in him touching me when I told him a few months ago that I needed more physical affection, but he usually just makes an excuse about not being able to lie on his left side and rolls over so his back is to me. Lately, his biggest excuse is the pillow I keep in the middle of the bed because our mattress sags and I need the support for my belly if I turn to my right side. I told my therapist that I miss the small touches and physical affection more than the sex most of the time. I am pretty great at getting myself off, but what I wouldn't give to have someone who actually wanted to touch me.
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Post by brian on Sept 21, 2016 21:21:44 GMT -5
Snuggling? Not so much. Touching? Only what SHE wants, when she wants it. I think she uses some touch (I massage her back, holding hands, etc.) as a way of validating that I am still around and at least somewhat in control. I think she is starting to realize that I no longer view her as a sexual being, and as such, my desire to give her what she wants is near zero. Especially after our anniversary "attempt".
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Post by solodriver on Sept 2, 2019 21:48:10 GMT -5
I was the primary giver all 16 years and gradually my energy to give to a taker is dissipating to zero. I no long want to hug and now he just wants a morning and evening hug which j give him but I hope to eventually stop as its beginning to feel disingenuous. My refuser won't hug, kiss goodnight or goodbye or hello when I come home from work. Hasn't in 4 years.
Another confirmation that working on my exit plan is the right way to go.
I hate being with someone who doesn't want me. And that hate has completely changed the way I see her and interact with her.
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Post by warmways on Sept 2, 2019 22:01:51 GMT -5
Yep. That’s how it went with me too. When I was in the SM there was no snuggling. He always pulled away.
He just wanted the customary hug and quick kiss before and after work which I began resenting and ended that when I realized it was just a formality. I didn’t like that he demanded that meaningless interaction when he knew I’d always wanted intimacy. It was as if he chose what level of affection he wanted.
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Post by warmways on Sept 3, 2019 15:42:13 GMT -5
I was the primary giver all 16 years and gradually my energy to give to a taker is dissipating to zero. I no long want to hug and now he just wants a morning and evening hug which j give him but I hope to eventually stop as its beginning to feel disingenuous. My refuser won't hug, kiss goodnight or goodbye or hello when I come home from work. Hasn't in 4 years.
Another confirmation that working on my exit plan is the right way to go.
I hate being with someone who doesn't want me. And that hate has completely changed the way I see her and interact with her.
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Post by warmways on Sept 3, 2019 15:43:30 GMT -5
I know, but here’s a question: would you even want a hug and kiss from her now? : /. I’d say it’s too late.
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Post by nyctos on Sept 3, 2019 18:21:55 GMT -5
The only physical affection between us I'd when I massage her feet every night, or when she pats my stomach to tell me I need to diet. Or occasionally when she pokes me somewhere with some implement because she enjoys inflicting mild physical pain. Or slaps me for the same reason -- no I'm not kidding, she sometimes does this with the kids too.
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