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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 20:53:02 GMT -5
He's had his chance to engage you in meaningful conversation. The person to talk to now is a family law attorney.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 13, 2016 8:58:35 GMT -5
Just wanted to share with you 2 recent examples of control, and manipulation. 1) wife sitting at the breakfast table with daughter, asks, " what was that noise?" I being in the other room come and ask, " what did it sound like?" She says " it was a noise." I responded, " if you listen with your ears you will hear all kinds of noises in this house, what did it sound like?". Her response, "never mind, just forget it". My daughter responded with, " it sounded like a bang, or something hitting the floor". I let her know," that was your brother,closing his desk cabinets, and drawers, getting ready for school." Pretty simple, right? Yet look at my STBX's controlling response? She did not like being corrected, at all.
2) the other week my STBX had left town , my son needed a calculator for school. My STBX had once again left me with insufficient funds. When she heard that I made a decision to actually perform a simple task without her approval that involved spending over $10. She was upset. What this shows is just how demoralizing, insulting, and humiliating, her controlling attitude is. That I, an adult, can not make every day cost of living spending decision without her controlling it. ( ironically 4 mattresses arrived at our front door the other day for our boys. Spending without my knowledge. Normally I would care less. If it's within our budget, the boys needed it, I'd say," thank you for taking care of that, let me help move them", but instead it wreaks of a double standard)
I owned my own house, lived on my own for ten years before meeting her. Lived on the road, driving independent for three years, lived single for 5 years, left home at 19 and lived alone. I own and manage real estate as a landlord. Yet, yet, I will admit I do not posses strong leadership skills. I am a great team player. This goes back to communication. Communication involves respect and trust. Communication, respect, and trust, lead to intimacy. Goodbye to marriage when your spouse denies you of these things.
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 13, 2016 16:03:33 GMT -5
To put it simply, this deal could benefit from what we called "Zipcode therapy" on EP. In other words, get the hell away from this guy and you will feel infinitely better.
After "Zipcode therapy" you might consider "you've been served therapy." If you find communicating your needs a challenge, let the divorce papers do the talking. Or you can reverse the order and start with the Zipcode kind!
There is no way that I'm aware of to get through to a person such as you describe. His entire being is dedicated to evasiveness and avoidance. Even if you spent all of YOUR energy attempting to be the most pointed, assertive, articulate person in the world, you will not get through to him. The lack is not in you, so don't blame yourself. There is no magic button you could push to get him to care.
So why not dedicate your full energy to your own happiness? The transformational moment for me was when I went from asking "what's wrong with him for acting that way?" to "what's wrong with me for putting up with it?" The only person you can change is yourself. And changing your proximity to him is a good place to start!
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Post by solodriver on Sept 2, 2019 21:35:40 GMT -5
-----------------------------------------t h a n k you----------------------------- I've allowed my marriage and non communication dynamic to spiral into something barely recognizable and this really makes sense. I want to tattoo it to my arm. lIASM messes with your head. but I think see glimmers of myself finally coming back. Last night he asked for a hug and I really did have a stomach ache so declined which I do maybe one time out of ten. I figured out what to say when he asks for his hug. I'm trying to say something that is really me. Avoidant: "can I get a hug?" Me: "When I hug you I feel close which ijust reminds me how rarely we touch. It feels like a drop in the bucket or 0.01% better which is a painful reminder of what I'm always missing except for these am and pm hugs where I feel close for several seconds." My refuser rejected my last hug. Haven't ever tried again and will NEVER try again for any reason.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 2, 2019 21:40:30 GMT -5
Yes, wow. This is extremely helpful advice. Thank you so much for your support. Something happened after 16 years of being dismissed. If he were to say I'm so sorry... what can I do now to fix this it would have no impact anymore. I was hurt too much to go back and try. Part of me wishes I could still find it in me to try again if he said that but then again I know enough now about the dismissive avoidant personality and from his failed attempts that it would all be for naught and I may actually lose myself for good. warmways,
This is EXACTLY where I am now. Unfortunately it took 20 years of a SM for it to happen, but it happened. I finally cracked and am working on my exit plan, though it's a slow process because of excessive debt.
There is no going back for me whatsoever, even if she begged. She was warned of my feelings of total disconnect and when I tried to work on it, she rejected my attempts. That ship has now sailed and there is no return.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 5, 2019 9:54:15 GMT -5
My ex dealt with conflict also in a decidedly passive-aggressive manner. I learned the hard way that with a person who uses PA methods, only actions count.
There isn't much cost to a PA person, "resolving" something with dismissal, diminishment, or offering something else in lieu of the problem articulated. Of course he'd rather you focus on the positive things than on the deal breaker things. You likely agree on that with him completely on that - you'd want to focus on those things too. That doesn't change what's served in your marriage though.
What it takes to get a PA spouse to focus on the problem is not a discussion. Talking about it will yield the usual results because it attaches the same cost - none, or little. Discussion gets you to focus on what HE wants. As long as you are spinning wheels in a relationship that doesn't meet your threshold for what a marriage is, it's on your clock. He can spin it out as long as you let him - because his goal is to perpetuate and survive your present deal.
A separation, imminent - with time and a plan, will make him focus attention on what you want. An actual separation means HIS clock is running out. If he keeps doing what he's doing then, he won't get what he wants. Then you get to see what it looks like when he takes this seriously, after you separate. IF you loved your partner and didn't want to separate, but they had initiated and carried out a separation for reasons that were clear, what wouldn't you do to reconcile? I think the reason a lot of us don't (especially me, back then) is because we think if we let go the rope that our partner isn't carrying, that it will simply be an end.
But if that's the case, doesn't it mean you are the only one invested? How long can a relationship last with only one person in it?
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