Refusing spouses also don't consider that there is a "point of no return" where even recovery won't be welcome (as happens miraculously when divorce is pending).
"Wait... So, I'm supposed to just accept a sudden and radical turnaround? At best, it can't be trusted to last; more likely, it confirms that you could have willed a fix at any point in time, but you chose to let me writhe in agony for years instead!"
I have been going through this very thing in the last week....and if I am too tired or distracted...she says "if u don't want to be with me..."
Maybe I don't!!! After 6 years of u not wanting to be with me!!!...and don't give me all your excuses just like u always do!!!
Of course, I will say none of that.. just keep my mouth shut as always....
Even when she said we could do anything, guys choice, I know I am really limited...since she doesn't like most things sexually... including oral, I was probably going to get rejected with anything I brought up....
Her pussy moods and general lack of concern or consideration for me naked it hard to be attracted to her....to the point of only being able to bring Mr softee...
Mr. Softy is a natural consequence that they don't seem to appreciate.
"*You* keep rejecting me. You've trained me to not view you sexually - that it is unwanted, inappropriate, and will go unfulfilled. And yet you act surprised when I'm not aroused when you decide it's time?"
While I struggle with turning away anything, I know it's the perfect opportunity to underscore a message that "I'm not joking - shit really is so bad that I don't even want sex with you". Especially when it's clear that she's not doing it for pleasure, but only for duty (which in my case is 100% of the time).
Dicks, by and large, are pretty stupid organs. But often smart enough to know when their presence is not required or desired. Under such circumstances they stay asleep. - They don't get a vote in the 'stay or leave' debate. Maybe they should.
Thank you, DC. You just released me from self condemnation. He has been showing signs of wanting to connect with me again. He's asking if I like his hair cut or what he's wearing or if he should do more push ups. He also reaches out to touch me in the night stroking down my body or holding my hand or feet touching. I'm afraid he will want to be intimate. The thought repulses me. I know how bad it will be. I feel like a hypocrite because I was so dramatic about it for so long. Now the thought of him touching me is distasteful. A year ago I had decided that I didn't want him anymore and let it go. Close friendships on EP helped me to do this. It's so confusing.
You're not a hypocrite. He made his sexless marriage bed and now he has to lie in it.
I agree 100%. For the first few years my wife started refusing me, I would ask what can I do to change whatever it was she was refusing. Never got an answer, just "this is not a good time" or "I'm too tired" or "please some other time".
I got tired of hurting so much from the rejection, I shut down. The connection between us is now gone. She is my roommate with whom I have a legal marriage with. She is not my wife.
If (which I know will never happen so I don't have to hope or worry) she were to ever touch me or want to kiss me, I would reject it because it would feel like kissing my sister or another family member. I have lost those tender feelings I had for her. But she did this to herself. I tried to talk about it, get counseling for it and was rebuffed and rejected each time.
I think she knows something has been different because she will try to get my attention with things like "What do you think about this shirt I bought?" or "Do you like this color for my hair?" To avoid a fight I just say "Great".
solodriver, it seems like they take our desire for granted and see it as a nuisance, rather than being happy and grateful that the man who's seen them naked for decades (and knows so many of their human flaws) still sees them as exciting.
Once that desire finally dies, they notice the loss of attention. They grasp for reassurances, but real change is asking too much of them. They've gotten too used to getting something for nothing. Domestication has snuffed their survival skills.
I wasn't on this EP, but several posts in this thread imply that once trust is broken, it's gone. While that is often the case, it doesn't have to be. But losing that trust has its consequences. I'm not tooting my own horn, but as a librarian, I do link to several other resources; at the risk of appearing to be promoting my blog, I did write a post about this problem, and recovery, with links to several other sources and writers: Lost Toys, Lost Joys. (As with all my stuff, a disclaimer--I write from a Christian perspective, so if that is offensive to you, please ignore.)
csl, thanks for the link. Your article seems well thought-out.
I agree that few things are irreversible. Sadly, spouses who don't desire intimacy seem to think it can be turned on and off like a spigot. It's more like a plant that's withering from neglect; once it's dead, no amount of care and feeding will bring it back.
I think many of us (self included) get stuck in a groove chasing after our spouse. The spouse sees this chasing as meaning everything's alive and therefore no attention is required, when in reality it's gasping for air. Conversely, we diligently champion our cause without realizing the desire is long gone.
At that point, it takes far more than placating efforts from our spouse to turn things around. What would have been adequate maintenance isn't enough to resuscitate, especially when delivered begrudgingly. Progressively fewer refusing spouses are willing to a) admit there's a problem, b) acknowledge their hand in the situation, c) participate in a fix, d) actively champion a better relationship.
There really is a huge attitude component in the dynamic here. A lack of humility and gratitude toward a loving spouse, and an unjustified sense of entitlement. The result is a lack of appreciation and a resistance to contributing to the relationship. It's very rare to see a radical change in this attitude.